NixGinT

I Want To Be Someone Who Can Unlock The Doors

2012-02-15T02:06:00.001+08:00

Is it the atmosphere? Envy? Jealous? Or what? Idk actually.
Just hope i can be someone your doors would open up to.

Terribly Shaken

2012-02-11T00:34:00.001+08:00

Because 3ya actually replied.

明天见

2012-02-08T10:31:00.002+08:00

happen to hear this song on my itouch yesterday.
was one of my favourite songs last time.
realised that it pretty much describes a certain part of my life.

《明天见》--王心凌
作詞：陳靜楠　作曲：林俊傑　編曲：Terence Teo

雨下了又停了
泪流了又干了
你走多久多远了
我还在这
你说的你忘了
可是我还记得
手心里紧握着
已不属于我的亲热

爱怎会输给了时间
我的耳边再听不见
我以为永远不会变
最习惯的明天见

放手了该回到原点
心会受伤也能复原
我会学着自己走出从前祝福明天

雨下了又停了
泪流了又干了
你走多久多远了
我还在这
你说的你忘了
可是我还记得
手心里紧握着
已不属于我的亲热

爱怎会输给了时间
我的耳边再听不见
我以为永远不会变
最习惯的明天见
放手了该回到原点
心会受伤也能复原
我会学着自己走出从前祝福明天

爱怎会输给了时间
我的耳边再听不见
我以为永远不会变
最习惯的明天见
放手了该回到原点
心会受伤也能复原
我会学着自己走出从前祝福明天

我会学着自己走出从前祝福明天

honestly speaking. i am missing ykm a bit.
i'm not sure if i did the right thing regarding OTC. but...
all i wanted was to keep him and others outta trouble....

Someone You Really Love Is Someone Whom You'll Have The Urge To Marry.

2012-02-08T01:20:00.001+08:00

time

2012-02-07T14:46:00.002+08:00

been a while eh.
hmmms, time is slipping past at an amazing speed.
this week is my last week of internship already.
looking back, i've always been looking forward and counting down to 6pm,
as well as fridays, throughout the entire 5 months plus.
been lucky. this has been a great experience with mixed emotions all the time.
during the attachment, i've been from attached to single, from noob to manageable, from good to bad, from bad to worse, then from worse to good again.
emotions wise, i have been here there everywhere.
been days that i cried before and such. but i've really learned alot here.
i've also become more fickle-minded eh.
really still can't decide if i should do some stuff right now.
thinking of the good and bad and such.
sigh, sometimes it can get so so frustrating.

applied for NTU online, made the payment and stuff.
left with the non-academic achievements portion and the submission of results printscreens.
i really have zero confidence in getting accepted.
and i am totally unsure whether there's any contract teaching available.
i am wondering if i should just try applying for the diploma course then work my way up from there.
but then in that case, i would take a total of 6-7 years to become a teacher.
that's just plain horrible. horribly long.
by then i would be 26-27 already.
idk. but that might just be my last resort, should i really not get accepted.
sigh. this is so frustrating.
application and not knowing what to do with myself is a pain.

then for corps side, i would say that many things are in a mess now.
my messy room doesn't exactly helps with my mood.
and i am backlogging on so so so many things.
idk what to do with myself anymore, really.
i need space to settle things part by part,
but i dun have the luxury as everything needs to be done by a deadline.
and progress has to be made. seriously.
i suppose i really need to use PMS training on the kids already.
if not everything will be too late. we really really dun have the time already,
i need to be the black face.
let kalai be the white face uh. hurhur.

sometimes i do wonder, what exactly went wrong along the way.
my pace, my actions, my inability to complete things,
am i just insufficient or what?
i'm confused. highly confused about myself.
i'm in this awkward situation, as always since young, where i dunno where i stand.
let's just hope i can overcome this, really.

and idk what to do with my emotions either.
it's like how 3ya has always been there, at the corner of my eye while i harbour feelings for someone else.
in 2007, when i liked JAKH, he was there to confuse me,
in 2010, when i liked twinnie, he was there to confuse me also,
right now, when i am having this 1% of feel good feeling, he is still there to confuse me.
does this mean anything?
are all the 11s just coincidences? or is there something going on?
when i am confident that i dun feel anything towards him, not in the romatic sense,
he is back again.
it's like this never ending cycle.

JA~

就像莲藕一样，藕断丝连，剪不断理还乱。

有时候，若打个比方，你就像八爷，
我欠你的，很多。你为我的，很多。你的性格，我挺了解的。
我们之间，就算断了，依然存在着那一点点的不明。
就算铁了心，放下了，不想了，不念了，不爱了，不喜欢不眷恋了，但仍然会担心，会挂心，会关心，会把你的事当一回事，放在心上。
也不是放不下，就只是，并非恋人，但比朋友更多。

而继续用着这个比喻，我其实很期待我生命中的四爷出现。
可眼前的这个他，我不能确定。
虽然深信我一定不可能是他的若曦，他或许只是当我生命里的十三爷，
但有时后，就是有时候，就会把它看成四爷。
因为我不知道他在想什么，也没有那么多共同的话题，
他也不想嘉明或博伟那样，有办法了解他，有办法了解到可以猜出他的想法的程度。
他就是那样的一个谜，有时候我也被迷惑的晕头转向，不知所措。
我只知道，有时候情绪会小小的被他影响，会期待他的简讯，他不回复时会失望，他回复时会微笑。就像个大白痴一样。
真的不知道，这错综复杂的关系算什么。
说知心好友，我还根本不够格。说暧昧，是有那么一点点可又不是暧昧。
说只不过是以前的同学，也不仅如此而已。
若近若离，真是不明不白的。
有时候我还真想什么都不知道，或者，
希望他出现在我和嘉明开始之前。
那或许我就不会和嘉明开始了。
可是，由始至终，甚至给我多一次机会，我还是会和嘉明有这么一段初恋。
毕竟那是一段短暂却酸酸甜甜的宝贵经历兼回忆。
虽然痛，但，毕竟是我的初恋，也是嘉明的初恋。
haix. 不知道不知道不知道，我也不想知道了。
算了算了。

Time

2012-02-06T01:04:00.001+08:00

Been a while since i slept my day away after being drained of energy.
Yesterday's full of SJ. Really never been so tired in a while. Not forgetting my poor tortured feet from the heels.
Biggest problem is still my own attire. Never have i felt so horrible with my uniform. Never have i felt so not prepared, so lousy, so terrible.
Where did my tip top standard of uniform go to?
Am extremely annoyed at myself for this. Feels super inadequate and lousy.
Sigh. This is the worst standard i've ever had. It's such a disgrace to my uniform. I really need to reflect on my lack of self-discipline.
JA~

yeye

2012-02-03T14:06:00.002+08:00

yeye has been diagnosed with first stage cancer.
to be honest, i'm kinda afraid.
despite the fact that it's first stage, but given yeye's age.
add on his character of dislike for surgery/treatment, and you get the most dangerous combination of a patient.
can you imagine, when i am afraid already.
how exactly is yeye feeling?
and then mummy told me that he opted to have treatment instead of surgery.
this, kinda sucks. really.
according to Jie, it's better to have the surgery, recovery is faster and it's less tedious.
but i am not keeping my hopes up for yeye to agree to surgery.
he wouldn't. give his character. he would never.
sigh. this is a long battle against the disease.
more of a battle for yeye than for all of us.
i just really hope that we will emerge victorious.

somehow i just feel like bursting out and crying.
and i feel that i shouldn't be enjoying/being happy. not right now.
i'm confused. or rather, i successfully confused myself again.
sigh...
JA~

你好吗

2012-01-31T10:13:00.005+08:00

I have no idea what's going on actually.
But maybe because February is just around the corner.
Anyways, this song is stuck on my mind currently.

你好嗎
主唱：周杰倫
作曲：周杰倫
填詞：羅宇軒．李汪哲

牆上靜止的鐘是為誰停留
是不是和我一樣賴著不走
你說故事已經結束　很久
我忘了　向前走

我努力假裝現在過得很好
現在的你看來已不需要我
也許在不同的時空還牽著　你的手

想知道你真的過得好嗎
沒有我也許是種解脫
將思念穿梭在宇宙數千光年
悄悄到　你身邊
現在我試著習慣一個人過
也許你已經開始新的生活
陪著我的叫做寂寞
陪你的　是誰呢?

想知道你真的過得好嗎
沒有我也許是種解脫
將思念穿梭在宇宙數千光年
悄悄到　你身邊
現在我試著習慣一個人過
也許你已經開始新的生活
陪著我的叫做寂寞
陪你的　是誰呢?

也許在不同的時空
還牽著　你的手

Confused

2012-01-30T01:18:00.001+08:00

In a state of confusion over what i want. Seriously.

Do i wanna extend while i apply for nie and wait for posting? Do i wanna try something new instead? Is there any other option if i can't get into nie? Do i like what i'm doing now? What subject do.i want? Is it possible for me to take a break before applying next year? Money wise is also an issue. Should i just come out and work? What can i do? What do i want in life, really? What am i expecting? How do i apply for nie? What am i supposed to do? I have no idea at all. I'm stuck and i am confused. Somebody help me please. Please...

Haiyo

2012-01-21T03:53:00.001+08:00

Sometimes i dun even know whats going on. Anticipating smses from ffms like that. Like a Possessive friend. Sigh. I think i am too tired and that made me cranky. The tiredness also made me numb to emotions. Or rather, angsty over minor minor stuff but numb to emotions i am feeling. Now's really a weird transition phase ba. It seems like, when you've lost something, it takes some time for you to go back to being normal and stuff. Same situation here. But on and off feel good feeling. Maybe i just feel weird from being cut from 3ya's life. But oh wells. Hmmms i really needa be more normal. Sometimes i feel that i just need a shoulder to lean on and a hug from a friend. Or just a vitagen and some random tidbits or sth along the line to make me feel happier. Haha. Like some kiddo.

FFMS (:

2012-01-20T10:38:00.001+08:00

97

2012-01-19T09:48:00.001+08:00

Hahahaha finally. My stalking of the portal has ended. Can finally fang xin! With such good news to start the day. Perhaps it's a good sign that everything's turning for the better!!! Anyways feeling this huge relieve that it's all done and set in stone. Hehehe. Happy happy me!!! :D

FFMS

2012-01-18T23:08:00.001+08:00

Fin flapping meanie seal (:

evil red apple & poisinous green apple

2012-01-18T20:08:00.001+08:00

evil red apple broke into halves when my phone dropped on the carpet floor of the office.indication much? i'm not sure.though the apples weren't bought to make it a couple kinda thing, but eventually i fixed it up and gave the green one to 3ya, while i have the red one for myself.coincidentally, red is my favourite colour and greens seems to be one of his favourite colours. when i asked him what he thinks of the apples, he said green looks retarted and red looks evil. then green became poisonous green apple. seems like evil red apple is very 3ya and retarted poisonous green apple is very me. hahas. so technically holding the apple that describes each other.now back to about today.maybe it's an indication that we've both moved on with the next part of our lives. the brand pair new parallel lines. hahas.just found it interesting and funny uh. suddenly cherish the apple even more. a precious precious part of my life. i loved you, now on, i love you as just a friend. (((:

sunshine

2012-01-18T02:52:00.001+08:00

sunshine, a word i wouldn't use to describe anyone else other than 3ya. because you will always be my sunshine. dun ask me why. i've actually realised that i let go already. that i am clearly aware and know and feel that i dun have romantic feelings for 3ya anymore. maybe i'm looking forward, straight ahead. i am now just glad my bittersweet first love was 3ya. anything else doesn't matter anymore. i understood many things today. it just suddenly popped in my brain. too much to blog now. will blog during CNY. but you'll always be my great big sunshine, one and only. i feel this infinite amount of positivity and drive after understanding. and here i am, that wee bit of anticipation for meanie1%'s sms. lols. what am i doing? what am i thinking? seriously. lololol.

Meanie

2012-01-16T17:09:00.002+08:00

Still haven't brace myself to blog down about 3ya.
Probably needs more time, but i find myself becoming happier.
Probably, i let go of feelings alr.
What's left is just forever worried, concerned and such.
Not because he was my first love, but probably more of the fact that he plays more than a role in many parts of my life.
It's hard to just heck care and forget about someone like that.
Or rather, he is someone i never want to forget about.
Someone i would never forget about.
Someone who's always gonna be my friend, always a great presence in my life.
Realised there's a meanie in my life right now.
This word, used it on 3ya before.
Haha. Meanie is a word just like twinnie.
But would meanie become like my twinnie as well? Perhaps.
But i am caught between the friendship and that 1% of feel-good feeling.
But the feel-good feeling only stays at smiling at my phone.
Haha..so not so much ba. Not right now. Not meanie la.
Especially when i dun even understand meanie.
But meanie is a great friend.
Just that i keep feeling this invisible awkward vibe as friends.
Haha. It's probably not just me lo.
There's this awkward weirdness.
So weewee, dun get your hopes high. Heh! :P
Well.
That's all for now.
Back to work.
JA~

2012-01-03T00:11:00.002+08:00

Looking back on my 2011, i realised it was really an amazing year.
so much happened in the course of one year,
i forgot i am just a 19-year-old kid.
that's pretty amusing.
i'm not too sure where to start off actually.
shall do it in bits and pieces.
sorry if it's very all over the place.
that seems to be just how i am, right? hahas~

OTC
fulfilled one of those wishes i once had, to be an OTC instructor.
to be honest, i felt that i did a really terrible job there.
i wouldn't want to be an OTC instructor again until i feel i've grown and improved.
for Tango, i felt that i was never really there for them,
i didn't understand and know them as a group, much less as individuals.
compared to what i did with P4'10, i really did a lousy job for Tango.
I'm sorry.
as for the experience as a whole, it was enriching.
it showed me many flaws i have in me, how i wasn't ready to be an OTC instructor at all.
not there yet, really have to level up alot more.
on the other hand, i was really glad to get to know the group of instructors and trainees from this year's OTC.
all of them are really nice people.
from OTC itself, i also got to know the 3 siaoginnas better.
thought i knew them quite a bit, but i got to know them even more over here.
and feels really touching to see them all grown up.
the feeling i have when i saw them pass out from OTC, totally not what words can describe.
really proud. their best trainee awards were bonuses.
really felt that they made the corps' name felt in HQ level,
that they demonstrated to everyone through their actions, what is tip top quality.
they really earned what they got.
to be honest, i went to the extent of voting against them,
but eventually all instructors felt that they were good.
which makes me even prouder of them.
i will be back to serve OTC, when i improved myself, when i think i am good enough to be an OTC instructor.

ANCO
this is one of the most horrible experiences i had with ANCO.
i've never hated ANCO this much. really.
why, i supposed i don't want to elaborate. too explicit.
have told close group of fellow officers what happened before,
therefore vented out already, i supposed.
wouldn't deny that i really did a very lousy job,
but i believe i was not the only one at fault, and many things weren't even my fault to begin with, so the horrid-ness doesn't only stem from me.
the only thing i am glad about this ANCO is during campfire.
thought my brain was already not working by then,
i only remembered walking around aimlessly, as always,
and complaining about the whole ANCO to you, and you telling me why you're not in this year's ANCO, and all the politics stuff going on.
that was by far, the best part of ANCO.
and probably the lead up to our 110811 ba.

Poly Life
many things happened in 2011.
my results went from bad to worst.
and i really have inter-personal relationship problems i guess.
because i destroyed 3 years of friendship just like that.
i dunno why either.
but i really believe this part is totally and entirely my fault.
i feel stupid, i feel horrible, i feel like banging my head against the wall so much.
but then again, what's done cannot be undone.
and i truly deserve everything.

all done with the academic semesters already,
already 70% through to attachment right now.
attachment has been a nightmare right at the start.
there wasn't a day i didn't get into trouble,
on top of being not punctual everyday,
always felt extremely guilty everyday,
then one day, manager told me i can't afford to be late,
then i adjusted my sleeping patterns,
i am now punctual most of the time.
though would still be late sometimes, but at least not so horrible,
ironically, things picked up since we had problems,
sad to say.
but things are not too bad right now, sometimes it's a breeze.
actually i did ever wonder if i should continue working there.
but no, i thing it's not my kind of a job.
i should start applying for NIE soon.
then apply for relief teaching sessions.
maybe extend like a couple of months with the company, until the relief teaching things finalise ba.
but not a long term goal.
maybe i would even work only until the next intern comes in.
who knows, see how things goes.
but i really kinda like the company culture and environment.
just that i dun like the way some people work there.
so not a long term plan to stay there for long periods.

Family
many things happened this year.
ah ma fell down earlier this year, hit her head.
scared the hell outta me, really,
then i felt first-hand, the fear, of losing ah ma.
i realised that ah ma is already old.
thankfully ah ma recovered after about a week of hospitalisation.
then went home and is happily healthy once again.
then sadly, yeye fell in the toilet in July~August.
ah ma and daddy speculated that yeye wanted to commit suicide
because he was worried about his urinary tract problem.
yeye got hospitalised as well, for a few days only.
a long enduring battle of persuading him to go for the minor surgery for his urinary tract follows his discharge.
and he eventually went for it in Sep~Oct.
now he's happy and healthy and gained back the weight from before.
then ah ma was hospitalised again in Oct due to low potassium.
another scare, somemore during worktime.
thankfully, after 3 days of IV drips, she recovered.
mummy had a breakdown a day before my exams in august.
woke up to her arguing with daddy early in the morning.
she had relapses of her depression since june,
sometimes i feel really frustrated with mummy.
sometimes i just feel angry that she succumb to her depression so easily.
but then again, perhaps she just can't help it.
it was a horrible period leading up to my exams.
she was warded by request into a specialised day care ward for depression patients.
it was a torturous day, really.
if it wasn't for you, well, i doubt i would have gotten through that day.
that day, you really showed me that i can depend on you when i cannot take it.

Corps
this year, i felt the effect of having everyone back.
totally different from 2009 and first half of 2010.
feels so great to have people around me, serving the corps together.
problems lies in the same area as before, the _ _ _s la, huh.
but this year there were many things done,
many things changed, many things improved.
overall i think the corps leaped forward, especially in terms of morale.
we now have what we ourselves call NTP.
really love NTP's working style.
scold, argue, unhappy, leave at meeting table,
during play, we are just a bunch of friends hanging out, having fun.
grudges dun stay there for long,
just like how siblings work, eh? haha~
really love the NTP relationship.
though, as always, i feel really detached, from the corps and NTP.
because of my low involvement.
sometimes it's really just because i no time, no money, lazy etc, that i dun get involved in the outside of corps stuff.
but the corps stuff, well, blame it on both no time and lazy ba.
i will work harder in the coming year!! :D

Zone
this place, i can't really say too much,
but actually, it feels different already.
much different from the place i know just 2 years ago.
is it cause the people are not there anymore?
or is it because the environment changed too rapidly?
or even just that i learned more and more about this place,
and the more i know, the more different it appears to me?
i'm not too sure either.
but i hope it doesn't continue changing.
it's becoming 面目全非 already, if this keeps up.
things i used to love, i am starting to dislike.
the only thing keeping me there is the people.
and the fact that i believe things can get better, if something is done.

ZGD
ahhh, this particular zone event,
i was the chairman for this event.
a recreational event, nothing major,
but i think, because of the people in the comm,
we managed to come up with a very non-typical ZGD.
it's a Zone Sports Day altogether!
though not the super high standards kind,
we dun even have proper courts or props or anything,
but the turnout was wayyyyyyy better than we thought.
and the participants enjoyed it alot alot alot more.
many many screw ups,
but i think this is the best non-corps SJ event that i was in.
ah, other than ZPN actually.
but generally glad that everyone enjoyed, didn't fail to a certain extent.
yeaps~

ZAP
this year's non-typical zone presentation.
was the emcee for this event.
think i actually created a lot more problems for this committee than help.
feels guilty about it.
but happy that i was part of the event.
learned many things from it as usual.
and our chairman is a great chairman! haha~
yes, had fun working together with the committee.
all great people.
and it's the first time i even bothered to dress up for anything at all.
though as usual, quite fail la huh, looks so cui.
but then lol, i will try harder next time with the help of stylist tay and stylist poh.
hahaha!
and through this i realise, many people are kinda worried and jin zhang over me and how i look.
or rather, people take interest when i try to dress up.
haha! i bet cheryl, aisuan and huiying will feel proud one day if they managed to turn me into a decent looking girl wearing a dress or sth.
hehe~ :P

FAC
this year's FAC is, frustrating. seriously.
we had the best results ever in GESS FAC history.
we won in categories with the heaviest weightage, yet we lost the overall.
not in one, but two categories.
really really frustrating.
yet at the same time, proud of the kids.
goes to show how hard they worked when we were not around,
shows how much they want to win,
they want to be the best and win,
as badly as we want to.
their hearts are really at the correct place,
with the corps.
because they know the glory does not only belong to them,
the have a greater purpose.
their professionalism and commitment is worthy of respect.
let's do better this year, we will hit jackpot.
it's our, dragon, year afterall, right? (:

that's so far for the more general parts of my 2011.
there are still important people i want to talk about, but not in this post.
hoping that 2012 will be a greater year ahead.
not another roller coaster ride.
JA~

it rained tonight.

2011-07-09T01:27:00.002+08:00

i ever promised myself never to cry for skyblue again.
but tonight, it rained.
it was just too painful.
it cut too deep into me, into my heart.
it hurts alot, it hurt my feelings.
suddenly i felt that i was being a nuisance to you.
i have been pretending to be close to you, when you dun even care about our friendship.
not at all. not even one bit.
because if you bothered, you cared,
you won't just say "just cannot talk, dunno why"
it goes to show how much you dun bother about everything huh?
i was wrong. i saw you wrongly. i thought of the situation wrongly.
it's really painful, i really can't take it.
what the hell am i to you, friend. or rather, twinnie?
so all along, my negative thoughts were right.
and because this came at such a timing, i have to face this all alone.
what a joke i am.

insomnia?

2011-07-07T01:06:00.002+08:00

i can't sleep.
right now, it's so late alr.
i dun feel like sleeping?
i'm not tired yet?
or i just can't sleep?
i dunno either.
been regretting the whole of today.
for not getting up when my alarm rang at 6.30.
if i got up, bathe, went to school, i would have enjoyed the trip to the army camp.
and i would have been home by 1+
and would have had the time to finish up all my projects and school work and minutes and whatever rubbish that i had to finish by today.
instead, i chose to sleep, then didn't wake up until 8+ when someone called me,
and then i had to tell them i am sick(honestly i was sick, but not enough for me to be absent. i suck, really i do)
and then i continued sleeping till around 1pm.
then i finally got to waking up and brushing my teeth etc,
and head out of house at 2.30pm to see a doctor at the polyclinic.
wasting money when i dun have enough to get by,
wasting time till 3+.
reaching home at around 4+
and i slacked, rested, whatever.
in the end i got nothing done.
i am wide awake now, probably also due to the fact that i slept too much in the morning.
i really got nothing done today. not one piece of homework or SJ stuff that i am supposed to do.
how lousy a person can i be? extremely.
i hope this doesn't carry on.
and i'm missing alot of things, wallowing in self-pity again.
i feel like dousing myself in ice cold water so that i will wake up my idea.
i have alot of drive, alot of potential.
yet it all stays as that, drive and potential.
it never got down to becoming completion of tasks and carrying out of actions.
never.
can i like just restart the past 3 years of my life? i can't.

and i wonder, how much can i miss you.
how much did i like you.
did i like you so much to still be missing you and thinking about you,
when we aren't even on talking terms?
sometimes i wonder, is it me not taking the initiative to talk to you,
or you just dun talk to me when you dun need anything from me?
like i dun have any 利用价值, you wun bother talking to me?
i dunno.
but i only know that even if that's the case,
it might just be extremely hard for me to bring myself to hate you.

ending off today's post in a really bad mood.
not anger. more of the “细水长流” kinda of unhappy mood.
JA~

the infinite blue sky

2011-07-05T23:59:00.002+08:00

i wonder if it's me or anything.
i always like to live in my own little imagination.
ytd was a really rare occurence.
i happened to online and 3yearsago talked to me on msn.
it's the first time i talked to him on msn i guess?
yeah i think so.
unexpectedly, the time we spent talking on msn was same as when we used to talk on the phone.
4 hours plus.
sounds weird, i know. hahas, but yeah.
it's a really nice and warm feeling. the friends kinda feeling. :)
and 3yearsago's unexpected "always nice talking to you" at the end, really surprised me.
i stunned for a moment.
cox i didn't expect that you would say sth like that.
你比以前更温柔了. was what i felt at the moment.
i became quite "high" for a moment.
because i really never expected that you actually found it nice talking to me.
i always had the impression that i am disturbing you when i talk to you.
especially since we stopped talking when you started to become busier back in 2007.

i talked to deardear about this today.
deardear told me that actually i matter more to people than i thought.
i wonder how true that is.
but i shouldn't think too much, because i might end up mattering less to people than i thought.
right deardear? :)

because of what happened last night, it made me think and wonder about some matters.
whether or not i actually do feel something for 3yearsago.
on the long bus trip home from school today,
i realised that, hey, i dun think so.
actually, to be honest, i think i am more inclined towards skyblue.
though i thought i dun have feelings for skyblue anymore,
i think, maybe because of the friendship that can never be repaired,
or maybe i still feel something towards skyblue,
everything about skyblue makes me feel affected still.
and i think i talked too much about skyblue to turtle.
somehow i feel that i am spoiling things that may happen between skyblue and turtle.
i dunno either.
it just felt painful looking at a really blue, cloudless sky,
especially when my itouch chose to play certain songs along the way.
i really need to work harder at this.
to 看开点, learn how to move out of this phase.
i should stop forming any attachment towards skyblue.
there shouldn't be any form of emotional reliance towards skyblue anymore.
i wonder when will the day come that i move out of this stage of myself.
actually, i just really want the friendship back.

well,
as for 3yearsago, i think that, he can become a really good role model for me.
someone i can learn from. and someone i can talk to. someone who will look for me to talk to when he needs to.
a HTHT friend, just like unnie, deardear, erzi they all.
it feels great to be talking to an old friend like that,
it's as though i found someone whom i've lost touch with for a very long time.
after living in parallel lines for 4 years, this is the first time we talk.
i hope we can continue talking as friends like that.
we will, will we, 英明领导者阿公？ hahas. :)

that's all for today.
i think i sound very emo.
am i?
JA~

hisashiburi

2011-07-04T02:12:00.002+08:00

hmmm, i can't believe it's been a few months since i last posted anything here.
to the extend that Sokting asked me why i didn't update my blog.
found a new ranting ground to vent all my emotions to.
maybe this link is a little more public than i thought it is?
hahas~

it has been an eventful half a year since the beginning of 2011.
participated in some stuff, met some new people, made some friends, might have lost some along the way(i do hope i didn't but i think i did? :x)
getting more and more lethargic by the day.

it's psychological, not physical, this feeling of tiredness.
i do sleep you see, actually, speaking of sleep,
i haven't been able to sleep as well as i did last time.
in fear of oversleep-ing(which is a very common occurence since the start of this year)
in deep thoughts of many things.
right now, if i were to draw a diagram of my brain, i might need an entire mahjong paper.
there are many things on my mind right now.
things like post-poly life, internship, deadlines of schoolwork to meet(and as usual, all the backlogs), tests, deadlines of SJ-stuff to meet, financial stuff(wondering where i spent my money), friendship, family, twinnie, 3yearsago, life, alot alot alot.

i've been wondering, have i lived life the way i want it to be?
well, i can say that life has been slightly more eventful than before.
participating in meetups, meals, get-togethers have made me more social than before?
and it makes me feel closer to the people around me. esp dragonsaints~ :)
i need to get to know the younger ones more though.
they barely feel comfortable talking to me, i think?
i hope things continue the way they are, in a positive manner,
i like this feeling of random meetups.
very "just because" kinda feeling.

when i do clear out all the other things in my life from my brain and do a self-reflection of myself, the way i am etc.
i realised that i am actually loner by choice.
because i dunno how to handle situations where i am alone with someone else(guy or girl, sama sama), things tend to get awkward.
i dunno how to handle and i chose not to face it.
and i chose not to try to strike conversations with people.
it's always others taking the initiative, i realised.
but i guess this has been getting better.
and i just need to be more natural and talk about more relevant stuff.
and learn how to handle ending of conversations.
that'll do, for now, i guess?
i am also a loner because i am kinda weird and abnormal ba~
i am constantly in my comfort zone of doing things alone.
like watching movies alone, going cycling alone, going random window shopping on my own, going on random urban walks on my own, always doing things alone.
i haven't been taking the initiative to meet up with anyone and everyone.
that's why i tend to be alone, because i am used to it and i sort of prefer it.
i know i dun have to change it all, but i know a little bit of change,
being slightly more sociable is the way to go.
and with the help of fantastic people like newtenpeople, kbox family, L02, i guess i can do it.
this part of me is a long term bad habit that i need to change.
i always complain that i am lonely, people dun understand me, dun include me,
but hey, that's cox i chose to do things that way.

so yeah. for now, the big change should be to be more sociable. :)

if i were to write down all my thoughts, i probably will have to forgo sleeping time to do so.
so i shall end here today, and update again, maybe by this week, when i have the time.
leaving this for later keeps my blog alive i guess? hahas~
that's all for now~
till i post again,
JA~

3yearsago

2011-02-07T01:38:00.002+08:00

i guess it's just me being over-sensitive and overly mindful.
but it just seems damn weird.
there's nothing to begin with, and nothing left alr.
but 3yearsago seems so awkward.
well, ANCO'10 wasn't anyway better either.
but hmmm, it's just damn awkward?
3yearsago is someone i respect alot and look up to.
but heh, it's just so weird and awkward to even try to talk to 3yearsago now.
let's see if 3yearsago will be going for _ _ _
if 3yearsago went, i guess maybe somehow or rather might be able to resolve the awkwardness.
awkward max. seriously.
okay i am just blabbering away about the sense of awkwardness today.
3yearsago is just that particular biggest piece of the awkward pie.
JA~

hated

2011-01-29T00:05:00.002+08:00

so what happens if you become fully conscious that those you are working with hates you.
to the extend that they voice out as a request not to have you train them?
what do you do with such feelings?
what happens?
what are you supposed to do next?
and when it's the love of your life that you are serving?
i wondered if everything was a mistake.
i wondered if i made a big big mistake.
i wondered if i was actually a mistake.
to begin with, my existence was a mistake.
and then i wondered if being a 17/09 only brough harm to the corps?
rather than hurt, upset, sad or angry, i am feeling lost.
lost because i dunno how to handle all these thoughts and feelings.
not thinking about them wun make the problems go away.
pretending it's alright wun make things better either.
bringing it up as a problem is too awkward, because this is my own problem.
telling someone seems to be too much of a burden.
so my only solution was typing here.
but this doesn't solve the problems either.
i dunno how things are going to turn out to be but i can only see how things goes.
i will try to stop myself from thinking too much.
because if i do, then i would be inefficient and create even more problems.

long time no see

2011-01-25T21:47:00.003+08:00

it's be decades since i last posted.
LOL. cox i kinda just can't be bothered ba i guess?
in the end, my intention to do 2010 reflection failed again.
well wells,
i just can't be bothered to do it now,
or maybe i didn't want to reflect on certain things also.
but anyway, i gave up intention on that alr.

life has been, well, boring i guess?
but life is less tedious in this year.
perhaps cox i am more and more into the mood to do homework and stuff
and perhaps cox i am more and more into sleeping early and taking naps.
LOL.
i touch my lappie less than last time.
alot less.
that is a good sign.
i shall be a lappie camper come holidays.
the whole period of time from my december break till now has been,
let me see,
i did go out a few times, to have outing with cousins and stuff,
other than that, nothing much i guess?
christmas and new year has been spent at home,
mummy decided to throw parties and stuff.
haha. mummy has become more into cooking, making things, baking things.
her newest hobby is nails.
LOL~
school has been a little tedious,
because i wasn't a good girl and didn't do my homework.
but this year on, i changed bit by bit already i guess?
i have been submitting homework on time and stuff.
that is a fantastic change for me,
i am now in the mood to do work
hehe~
this should and needs to continue on~
gogogo~

i realise that i am a very non-people person.
haix, sorry to everyone, i am just so cui~
i will change and i will improve.
i promise.
SJ side we have a structure.
things are getting easier to settle and worked out.
this is a good sign.
let's get better and better and better. =)
and OTC is well, still haven't really get into the momentum yet ba
but then, hopefully it won't turn out to be problematic ba, i hope.
i think it should be alright.
let's jiayou yo~

i want to get back my comic reading habit.
i used to read loads of comics.
haha~
it's nice to be able to read comics while on the move
or when lecturers decide to slack also.
comic reading is a nice thing to do.
how i wish i have money and i have no school.
then i can go buy or rent tons of comics to read.
library's collection is just too little~

i forgot what else i wanted to update about.
haha~ absent-minded me.
nvm~ shall update again when i have the time.
or when i feel like it.
JA~

wtf

2010-11-27T00:23:00.002+08:00

i seriously dun understand you, jie.
why the hell you would think of moving out.
have you thought about the complications?
how would daddy and mummy feel about it all?
can you like fucking use your brain?
yes i know you are tired, you are drained,
are you the only one?
every single day daddy and mummy has to think of livelihood, the family etc,
and right here you are like saying that nobody understands you,
nobody cares, everyone is blaming you?
who told me about self-pitying?
why are you pitying yourself? you're seriously unreasonable,
fucking unreasonable.
just cox of scoldings, just cox of how stressed you are, just cox of this moment right now,
you are thinking about getting out of this house.
you seriously are not using your brains.
what's gonna happen to your livelihood?
how is everyone in this family gonna feel?
you're so fucking selfish you dun even think of us,
you think it's nice to see family members move out of the house just like that?
how would mummy feel? she would be worrying the whole damn day,
she will eventually relapse one day cox of this.
then dandan leh? how would he feel?
why he sisters left the house?
daddy? he will be affected but not show, then get upset all by himself
then daddy and mummy will both be at least 50, what happens if dandan turn rebellious?
and use your fucking brain and think, how many out there wants to live with their parents but are forced apart? some by life and death some physically.
you get to live with your parents are you are thinking of moving out?
wth man, seriously wth,
it really makes me damn angry when i know you are entertaining that thought,
and to know your reason for thinking of such things makes me even more angry.
seriously, use your brains and think about this matter,
and for the matter, you have brains thanks to daddy and mummy.
i hope you would STOP entertaining such thoughts.
seriously.

too much

2010-11-22T21:49:00.002+08:00

from now onwards, i won't ask anything anymore,
since the more i ask, the more irritated all of you get.
i shall now make myself not care so much anymore.
cox i'm too much, ain't i?
and because i am too much,
nobody ever wants to tell me anything anymore.
and since that is the case, fine, so be it,
i should just shut up and not ask questions.
and keep my questions to myself.
i am selfish, i am too much, i asked what people dun wanna talk about.
yeah, that is me, overbearing,
pusing beyond limits, dun even know where i stand,
ask to much till i'm not even on talking terms with my twinnie.
yeah, everything is me alright, i should shut up.
i won't ask anymore. and you wun tell me anything anymore.
and also cox i don't matter anymore.
or rather you don't care anymore.
nobody does anyway.
when i was on the edge of the cliff, none of you realised that,
none of you bothered. yeah, you're busy, that's the case.
maybe i just don't belong.
because of how overbearing and too much i am.
it's always been like that, i am always disliked.
i will still survive and live another day, just that i'm all by myself.
that's all.

thank you!

2010-11-08T14:03:00.004+08:00

been long since i last updated.
been lazy, been letting go, been forgetting.
taught many many courses during my holidays.
school finally started. schoolwork, schoollife, going to school everyday.
life's back on a routine.
stuff started piling up,
and then bad things happened.
unhappy things, specifically speaking.
SJ side, frictions between two sides,
wonders how things will go from now on.
hopefully things can be ironed out.
and that things will be better planned and smoother for next year.
and hope to get them to attend ZPN or something like that.
afterall miss hoe is retiring and she's been with the corps for quite long.
speaking of ZPN, i'm now really thankful that i'm not in the committee,
i would definitely break if i'm in.
ZGD. i guessed i've been too slack from the beginning.
though i guess everything's easy to settle now,
as long as i churn out all the documents that were supposed to be settled by the 10 kids,
the event will go on.
but suddenly, well, i know i shouldn't been feeling this way,
but i felt abandoned,
abandoned by the committee that was initially gathered for ZGD.
not their fault though, afterall they will have exams and stuff during ZGD.
but suddenly, like everyone's gone.
and the things that the 10 kids sent me isn't helping at all.
though not to the extent of redoing everything,
i think i need to format every document they send me,
which isn't very little,
but i think i should be able to do it.
finance side,
i dun even know how or where to begin from.
it's kinda frustrating.
and then all the corps,
not everything is in yet.
how how?
think i will have to haunt the corps reps.
if i can tide through this period of time,
i think i will definitely become stronger.
but what if i couldn't?
nah, i think i can, or rather, i dun have any other choices other than to make it happen.
just carry on, push on, hang on
i can overcome it, i will overcome it.

now on to today's title.
i am thankful for many things.
thankful for family time that's rather prominent recently.
it's nice to hang out as a family more frequently.
though all that we do is have meals and stuff,
that's more than enough for me already.
i am also thankful for just a sentence from Siew Huai.
thankful to her for saying "send it to me when you're free"
she's probably the only one who said that to me,
when everyone else is probably asking when am i sending,
why am i not sending yet,
why is it not sent yet,
or even just keeping silent and getting angry on their own.
it's small things like that that makes a difference.
just one sentence makes me feel that i am understood and sayang-ed
it's as good as patting me on my head and telling me it's okay.
thank you Siew Huai! =)
i won't be lazy, i won't feel tired, i won't break under all these,
because i can do it.
that's all for now, till i update again. haha.
JA~

anyounghasaeyo~!

2010-10-20T21:38:00.002+08:00

anyounghasaeyo!
been some time since my last update.
haha~
actually nothing much going on in my life right now,
weekdays has been used for staying at home, occasionally teaching dandan homework,
weekends are SJ filled,
with heartsaver and CPR+AED or BCLS.
earn money to save up. LOL~
andand i renewed my plan and got a new phone!
there's no lollipop, so got optimus GT540 instead.
a bit wasted, cox the red lollipop phone is really beautiful~
but my titanium silver optimus looks cool too~
so it's alright~ =D
school is reopening soon, real soon, like 5 more days.
hahaha, back to studying,
will work hard from now onwards,
because i have a GOAL!!!!!!
NIE HERE I COME!!!!!
wheeeheehee~ xD
and i love jang geun suk!!!!!!!!
i've always loved him since his hwang jin yi days.
wheeheeheeheehee~
LOLs~
he's just damn cute,
wahahahha
and jang geun suk and park shin hye belong together!!!!!!
even his mom likes her~ haha
okay i'm getting too fangirlish~
kekeke~
alright, i shall go watch WGM and whatever dramas i feel like watching right now,
before school starts and there won't be time for them~
JA~

drown

2010-10-09T22:17:00.002+08:00

right now i'm thankful that i didn't learn how to swim,
cox that way, i can drown myself in my stupidness, my contradicting myself etc.
talking to amanda helped me see things clearly.
december, whatever etc won't ever come.
i don't even need to say, you already know.
all that's left to do is to sort out my own stupid thinking,
deal with whatever that's left in me,
and life goes on.
and to begin with,
i didn't even understand you one bit.
i just kept lying to myself that you are like this, like that, etc.
how stupid can i be.

mission D : failed.

2010-10-09T01:22:00.003+08:00

i failed my mission D.
yes, D for disappearing.
me and my excuses,
thought that if you outrightly post that you're sick,
as a friend at least, i should nag or send sth to you.
sometimes i wonder if disappearing is good also.
it works for deardear,
probably because that person feels the same.
you don't even feel the same.
maybe to you, you even thought that finally i'm not disturbing you.
i dunno.
call it emoing, whatever,
i'm not gonna deny,
but what if our friendship just ends here at 2010?
i don't want that.
i think i'm really a fool, an idiot.
to the extend that i actually posted my blog link on my facebook info.
but i guessed you'll never be interested enough to actually see the link.
you don't even see the door that's already opened up.
end of the day, i suck,
even as a friend.
much less as a twinnie, or even someone who likes you.
2010 is a roller coaster ride, seriously.

anyoung

2010-10-04T22:42:00.011+08:00

right, i'm kinda emoing? i dunno.
rather than emoing, i think it's another type of unknown feeling.
i can't pinpoint, describe or explain how it feels.

been thinking about random thoughts when i couldn't sleep.
thus i'm here to talk about random stories that would only be precious to me.
i suddenly realised, everytime i have a one-sided feeling kinda thing,
i would go through it and come out with something.
memories aside,
the two threeyearsagos left me with something.

what J left me with was what a gentleman he was.
of course, shameless me told him about my crush on him,
and he responded in an adult and gentle manner,
he brought me back down on earth like a hot air balloon,
slowly, softly, gently.
i cried back then, probably one part of me knew my friendship with him was destroyed by me.
but he let me learned something important,
which is not to tell such things that easily again.
because of the price i have to pay for confessing.

K was a different story altogether,
it took me a long time to figure out that i probably have a crush on him back then,
actually it took me 3 years to realise that fully.
looking back, he was a really really nice senior.
somehow was close to him because i was secretary?
he's weird in a way, but yet at the same time can tell that he really doted on us juniors.
and he's really random in a way, because he randomly intro me to places to eat etc.
and random things we did back then was walking around aimlessly,
my knowledge of places probably widen because of him.
he brought me to places i've never gone to before,
despite those places being so nearby me.
we used to sms randomly everyday,
sometimes we call and talk for a few hours? talk about rubbish.
and i found myself agreeing to every single thing he says.
super random.
then somehow we stopped talking altogether,
then became two parallel lines since 2007.
up until this year.
the kinda feeling i got when i saw him again this year was a big big shock.
the moment i opened the door,
*bam* was the kinda feeling i had.
it was super super awkward.
and he's changed to be another person already,
that's on the outside though. but some part of him remained the same,
he's still the same nice senior as last time.
at least that small part of him i guess?
but somehow his exterior hardened.
and he's become a little scary?
but from him i learned a few stuff.
and he was the one who made me my signature.
haha.

and now to you.
i guessed i realised my feelings too early on.
if i didn't realise my feelings so early,
maybe i won't be here thinking about so many things.
maybe i won't behave in such a weird weird manner either.
but someow you made me think that this time round,
it's different from J and K.
it's entirely different.
you made me feel that no matter how you treat me,
no matter how parallel we are,
the moment we meet again, i would still be like your personal assistant
or like some dog, paying attention to all your needs.
i was thinking, maybe the way you were brought up,
you are nice to everyone.
but because you were nice, because you listened to all my rubbish,
because you always let me bully you and because of alot alot of random things,
it's more than a crush to me.
it's not love yet, of course, but it's like.
it's the first time i liked someone enough to actually be there no matter what happened before.
just like now, even though we don't talk anymore,
if there were to be a kbox family outing after your As,
i would pretend as though nothing happened,
pretend that everthing was how it used to be.
i wonder if that would even happen.
i don't emo or cry over you anymore,
at least right now when we are parallel.
but i still look at your profile, i still look at your msn nick update.
i wonder what is going through your mind right now.
i know nothing would come out of this if i confessed.
but i wonder if you knew. and i wonder if i should let you know.
and how you would react upon that.
i know i can be very cool about it, at least in front of you.
but i dunno how you'll feel, whether you'll be burdened by that.
there's alot of thoughts going through me.
but one thing i do hope,
is that i won't end up hating, disliking or avoiding you in the end.
i guess i won't, but i dunno,
maybe it's the parts that i dunno that makes me scared things will end up that way.
i just hope it won't.
if you look carefully around you,
i never left. i may not talk to you,
but when you need to talk you know how you can reach me.
that's the reason why i online every single day for the whole day.
LOL. pathetic, ain't it?
i wonder what's gonna happen the moment i see you again in december.
in detective conan, there was this sentence that says,
if it's someone you really like or love, after not seeing him for a long time
or not contacting him for a long time,
the very moment you see him, your tears will flow uncontrollably.

random update!!!

2010-10-04T22:42:00.007+08:00

been a while since i last blogged.
let's see, the past week has been filled with settling walkathon and going back to GESS.
finally settled walkathon on zone meeting.
zone meeting was kinda disastrous.
think i talk too much and said stuff that probably offended people.
or maybe sabo-ed people.
i should take note not to talk so much anymore. =/
saturday went over to amanda's house to try to help her with studies,
was more harm than help, and everything is damn screwed.
sorry amanda, wasted your time.
haix.
then as usual, been watching dramas all day long,
i need to start doing something to zone notice board already.
ZC asked me about it on zone meeting, omg. =/

finished watching personal taste.
it's a nice drama~ though the kinda situation,
hmmm, can't really happen in real life? haha,
but watching it helped me get one thing clear,
i shouldn't be imaging you for who i want you to be,
or who i think you are.
i should try to understand you for who you are,
i've been too engrossed in my feelings towards you,
i probably spoiled everything with my own hands.
probably can say that i deserved it all?
since i was the one behaving so weirdly and all.

started watching you're beautiful.
it's a really nice drama with many funny, awww, cute moments.
many heart-warming moments, heart-wrenching moments as well.
haha~
and this drama has loads of nice songs~~~
wheeeeeeeee
i love OSTs!!!!!
halfway through the drama~ continue to cheong cheong from tomorrow onwards!!! =D

oh and recently down with rather bad sore throat.
but i didn't lose my voice completely~~
yay to that!!!!
spam honey lemon and water for quite a few days,
before i was caught by daddy to go see doctor on the day i got my results.
medicine~~ boooo
but i finally finished all the medicine today!! yay!!! hahaha~
hahaha~
i dun want medicine anymore~
and and, recetly, i think my bio clock is screwed.
cox i couldn't sleep till 4plus? almost everyday.
and i can't wake up at 9plus in the morning.
even if i set alarm, i couldn't hear my alarm ring.
=(
i need to adjust it back before the school semester starts~
speaking of the new semester,
i got back my results the other day.
got a shock, i thought i would fail or borderline pass my OPC.
in the end i got a C. not really fantastic, but still better than what i thought i would've gotten.
and overall my results improved a little.
but still long way to go before i can get into NIE.
jiayou jiayou!!!!
and i got my next sem timetable,
wwh sia~ die only. LOL.
but nvm, that shall not deter me from working hard.
gogogo~~~!!!!!

and end of year, there might not be kbox family chalet anymore.
must see how things goes from now. LOL.
nvm, maybe we can have outings or sth?
like a whole day kbox thingy? LOLOL~
let's see about it further down the road?

okay end of my super super random update.
i don't really know what i'm talking about anymore.
LOL~

JA~

future

2010-09-26T22:32:00.002+08:00

been thinking about my future,
am i gonna go uni, or go NIE, or go out to work in logistics field?
actually i am rather tempted to pursue my childhood dream,
which is to be a teacher,
to be able to do that, i would need to work really really really hard for my GPA.
to get at least 3.0, so that i can apply for NIE admission.
to be a chinese teacher, to teach people the chinese language,
like how i learned my chinese myself.
i think that would be great.
so with that, my thoughts came to a conclusion,
i want to be a teacher,
and thus the coming semesters, i will work really hard,
so that i can live that dream.
jiayoujiayou~!!!! =)

update

2010-09-24T22:47:00.002+08:00

hahaha, random update~
recently. nothing much,
went to one heart,
went to YOG universal studios thingy,
gonna go teach heartsaver in HQ tmr morning,
hopefully can get the money from the other time, hehe~
then october is coming,
this is so fast, the kids are gonna have their N levels, O levels soon,
all the best kiddos~
then A levels comes, all the best people~
especially AAB. hahaha, but AAB, you won't even see this,
october i'm gonna go do up the zone notice board,
go universal studios with YOG people again, haha~
then gonna teach alot alot alot of courses on weekends,
and continue watching more dramas~!
hahaha
speaking of dramas, so far, i've completed
liar game both seasons, itazura na kiss anime, playful kiss till ep 8 which is the latest.
in the progress for sunao ni narenakute, joker, personal taste.
gonna start watching more and more, hahas
and i wanna watch movies also!
darling is a foreigner! villion's wife!
both japanese film~
and i want to exercise~~~~
oh and something i bet everyone can't believe,
just by staying at home all day for the past few days
i think i'm falling sick.
like i start getting sore throat already,
and it feels like the lose voice totally kind,
i've already had that twice, please spare me a third time. =/

and this week, haha, something feels strange,
i begin seeing that things are becoming more and more impossible,
i've come to terms with things so much so that i've stopped crying already.
but sometimes after climbing to bed at 2plus am,
i won't fall asleep till maybe 4plus 5?
i wun know when i sleep. cox i think i drift to sleep.
but the last time i check my phone for timing, it'll be about 4plus, close to 5.
i wonder if that's what people say, missing?
am i missing? i dunno.
i'm like waiting for a train that probably wun ever arrive.
you know and i know, i won't go around
"omg i can't forget, i can't let go"
i will probably cry after letting you know,
i will probably be upset, i will probably whine alot,
but it'll be a burden off me, i guess?
cox at least i get to say by then,
and you know i'll be a strong girl and tell you "see you in the next zone event" kinda thing.
i'm just hoping we'll remain friends after i tell you,
and i can still bully you.
cox in the end, it's kinda obvious there wasn't anything between us,
it's just simply one-sided, from the start to the end,
my one-sided feelings.
study hard alright?
live your dreams, carry out the plans you have for your life.
you can do it, cox you are you. =)

well,

2010-09-22T18:47:00.002+08:00

i think i'm being too wilful,
being too much to everyone.
when i wanted to be there for everyone,
instead it's the other way around, everyone being there for me.
i get the idea,
i wun whine anymore,
i wun be so selfish anymore.
you'll only ever see me smile,
so that nobody has to worry anymore,
nobody has to listen to my rubbish anymore,
that's gonna be what will happen.
i'm sorry for all that has happened.

i just wanna tell you,
さようなら、また会おう、ごめんね、好きだよ

kbox family

2010-09-22T00:31:00.002+08:00

we're falling apart, aren't we?
what's happening?
we've all started hiding things from one another,
how do i know that?
i guess it's gut feeling, but i just have this feeling that we're doing so.
we stopped sharing problems with one another,
we stopped alot alot of things.
it's not about talking to one another every single day,
i get your worries as well,
i understand that you are doing so to stop everyone else in the family to be upset or affected or worried,
but why is every single one of us doing so?
well, except yours truly who's the sole whiner
we seem to be falling apart,
getting further and further away from being the kbox family we were.
i wonder what's next, like seriously.

2010-09-19T19:34:00.002+08:00

the only reason i'm pissed is because, this isn't the first time such a thing happened.
and on top of that, think about it,
how many days has it been since we last talked to each other?
how many days has it been since we last saw each other?
i was really looking forward to tomorrow.
but then this had to happen and i suddenly don't have to mood anymore.
i know where i stand, but why must it be the case that,
everytime you talk to me you sound like you're reprimanding me.
i told you to forget it, cox it doesn't matter,
cox it doesn't matter to you, does it?
i don't expect anything beyond normal friendship,
but as a friend, can you not treat me like that?
i suddenly find that you don't even treat me as a friend at all,
much less twinnie or whatever there is on my part.
i'm not pissed, i'm just affected, upset? i dunno.
you know you simply always have what it takes to defeat me like that,
you always you know.

wallowing in self pity. HAH.

2010-09-18T22:47:00.003+08:00

as the title states,
that's what i'm doing right now,
pretending that everything's a big big deal,
making a big fuss about trival matters.
guess this disappearance,
shall be one for me to tear myself away from those stupid feelings,
so that when we have KBOX family chalet at the end of the year
i can actually joke about my feelings,
i can use it as a weapon to poke fun at you.
everything seems to be USED TO,
everything is turning into past tense,
everything is just gone, like that.
i should've been more self conscious,
tingxin ar tingxin, wake up your bloody idea,
who are you to think that there's gonna be a possibility?
there's never gonna be a chance between us right, sky blue?
it's just gonna be like that, forever,
it's just one-sided shamelessness on my part.
it'd be over, or maybe it's already over.
past tense is what we are now.
what's left for me to do is to rid myself of these feelings.
if only it's that easy.
but i think i should try.

2010-09-17T22:27:00.002+08:00

is there a need to do this?
is there a need to drive her up the wall?
what's wrong with what she did?
she was just trying to avoid any unhappiness on the happy occasion.
why is there a need to force her?
to say those stuff?
to the extend of making her cry.
seeing her upset, unhappy, does that make all of you happy?
happy already?
it was only yesterday that i felt the simple everyday happiness in my home.
my HOME, not house.
yet today, mummy had to undergo all of these shit
she had to get so upset she's breaking down.
why? why the hell is there a need to insist?
i dun understand,
i seriously dun understand,
all i know is mummy is suffering, she's upset,
yet there's nothing i can do.
this sucks, really sucks.

shiro

2010-09-17T02:38:00.001+08:00

i feel really bad now.
because those people who knew,
they're kinda starting to view you in a negative light.
this is so not fair to you.
it's not like you knew,
it's not as if you are aware,
but somehow they're viewing things in a such a way that you're the one at fault.
right now the only thing i can do for you,
the only way i can protect you,
is to pretend that i'm disappearing,
to pretend that i'm getting over,
to pretend that i'm letting go
to pretend that i don't care anymore.
because if i show that i care alot,
if i continue being emo upset etc,
they'll continue thinking that you're a bad person,
when you're actually not.
you're just ignorant and ignorant people would behave in this manner,
because you don't know.
sky blue i hope you're well.
i hope that you won't be misunderstood anymore,
i hope that nothing unfair or unjust would happen to you.
the only thing i can do now is to maybe,
try to move on from this futile feelings that i have.
even though i know it's not gonna be easy,
cox 18 years in my life, this is the first time i feel this way,
haha, it's not a crush mr dear sky blue.
if it is a crush, it would've been way easier to get over,
if it's a crush i wouldn't be knitting for my bear in white wool now.
though that's entirely coincidental.

jie, if you read this, stop thinking that sky blue is bad alright?
cox sky blue is just ignorant, sky blue doesn't know,
that's why sky blue behaves that way,
that's all. =)

OT5

2010-09-15T02:28:00.002+08:00

i wonder how things went,
i understand how hurt you will be feeling after that day.
i seriously don't get it why there's a need to compare.
i would tell you all, just not during exams, right?
hopefully hime managed to talk to you about it
reading back my own blog posts got me missing my secondary school days.
maybe as what you said,
you and i always don't click,
we are always quarreling,
we are always having differing opinions.
maybe it's in my character,
maybe it's something else,
but trust me, i've never treated you all as less than anyone else.
i've said it before and i'll say it again,
OT5 is my 大切な友達
特別の存在です
therefore, i hope you won't compare you all with others.
to me, friends are people, people i treasure,
friends are not things,
there's no need to compare,
cox friends are unique individuals,
you are all you, specially you on this world.
there's no one out there who's exactly like you,
thus, don't compare.
that's all i've got to say,
i just hope you're not too upset or affected by this matter.
do take care of yourself alright, Ojou.

changed blog skin!

2010-09-14T23:54:00.002+08:00

hahaha,
the noob noob me finally changed my blogskin.
it's now a simple combination of colours~
this blogskin can last forever~
hahaha~
i didn't know changing blogskin was just so simple~
to think i thought i'd lose my stuff and has never dared to change blog skin.
hahaha~

i'm gonna accompany laosan to kkh tomorrow~
she loves me because of that~
awww~ laosan guai~ =D

haven't started on personal taste yet~
gonna start soon~
today was kinda okay,
went to HQ to get cumble bands from derrick sir,
then used the shoewhite to whiten the sash/holder whatever you call it
the thing that ensigns use.
the shoewhite went all over the place
on my shorts too D:
but it was fun washing the floor with the high pressure water~
hehehe~
went over to corps training(the last 1 hour only)
thankfully sir lee was there~
i see hope! wheee~ LOL.
sorry to mei that i didn't wait with you today =X
and tada here i am back home messing with my comp and facebooking
msning and playing games all at the same time.
LOL.

though his her is not the her that i thought,
i know it's another her,
someone i never was, never is and never will be.
let's just wait and see how things goes~
nothing i can do anyways.

2010-09-13T22:43:00.002+08:00

updates!

yayyyyyyyyyyy holidays are here~~
whoohoo~
been drama-ing non-stop~
finished the 2 series of liar game,
liar game is a must watch,
interesting, learn how to manipulate human's mindset.
hahaha~ kidding la~
watched playful kiss~ only 4 episodes up. D:
but it's really funny~ hahaha~ look forward to the next episode! xD
starting on personal taste soon~
personal taste seems interesting!
everyone's like watching it! haha~
and then jie watch till she keep laughing and laughing and laughing
hehe, look forward to watching it.
and recently what have i done....
i met up with lester sokting and amanda,
they study i watch videos! wheeeeeeee
hahaha,
yeahyeah amanda is becoming a studious bookworm~
she's starting to mug like jacelyn~
that's good, really good.
buck up alright, amanda?
you should aim higher, aim for better results!
you can do it laosan! jiayou jiayou! =D
and hmmm, orh!
on the last paper day, we had MDES' mid-autumn event!
was supposed to be medic, in the end become cook and drink maker also!
hahaha~ damn tiring~~~
but then it was really fun, really really fun~
microwave+toast hotdogs anyone? =D
but we wasted alotalot of food
saddded =(

and seemingly, sky blue's gonna wait for her, till army somemore.
haha, somehow i sound sad eh?
i'm sad, not over this fact,
i'm sad because sky blue chose to ignore me.
well, what do i expect,
i already told myself, maybe sky blue even disliked/hated me,
just that to maintain civil or sth, sky blue didn't say.
it's alright, i understand,
i get the idea, it's alright.
maybe mouse saw this coming, that's why she wanted me to disappear,
so that i wouldn't see this so prominently
so that i would think it's me who's ignoring sky blue,
instead of the truth which is the other way round.
maybe you just couldn't be bothered anymore,
maybe you dun care anymore.
maybe i should just stop trying, i should just disappear
stop trying to talk to you, stop everything.

2010-09-10T22:43:00.002+08:00

hmmm, some days have past and i have been trying to disappear.
i wonder if i ever cross your mind, sky blue.
or maybe you're just too busy with studying and dramaing and FBing and everything else.
there's much things happening to people around me, people i know.
my exams are over and i'm on holidays.
things are just gonna get busier and busier for you.
wonder how's it going for you.
not talking to you, not liking facebook status of yours etc,
it's kinda difficult.
maybe because it all used to be very natural, like reflex.
haha, i seriously wonder how much you would remember,
how much of me crossed your mind, as your friend
sky blue i'm tired and i dun feel like disappearing from you anymore,
because i know what mouse said won't really work on you.
me disappearing from your life won't make you take the initiative to contact me right?
you won't contact me,
you won't think of me,
you won't miss the randoms we did as twinnies,
you won't even remember how you use to text and msn me everyday.
cox it doesn't mean all that much to you.
i dun feel like it but i think i'll still carry on,
because you don't have time for me anyways.
i just hope i can say something, sky blue.
but can i? am i allowed to? i don't think so.

2010-09-06T22:06:00.002+08:00

some accumulation of matters,
makes me wonder what does SJ mean to everyone.
to kbox family, what does SJ mean to you?
to 17/09, what does SJ mean to you?
to GESS SJAB, what does SJ mean to you?
to everyone who's in SJ right now, what does SJ mean to you?
what is SJ to all of you?
is it something worthless?
is it of no importance at all?
is it a burden?
is it something irritating?
is it just a CCA?
i wonder, i really wonder.
it makes me so sad when everyone talks about leaving SJ.
it just means so little to you all?
it's really really sad.
because to me, SJ is not just a CCA,
SJ is the love of my life,
SJ is as good as my home,
SJ is somewhere, something that gave me alot of things,
SJ taught me alot of things,
SJ let me meet people i cherish,
SJ made me a matured and changed person,
SJ is where i want to commit for life,
SJ is something i will never let go of,
SJ is something i will protect, forever.
SJ means alot, so much,
it's part of my life already.
remove SJ from my life and you wun see much.
that's how much SJ is in my life.
i'm sad, by the fact that people who matter,
people whom i met and cherish, SJ people,
they are toying with the idea of leaving SJ,
they say they will leave SJ if something that's gotta do with some other parts of their lives happens,
they look back and think that it wasn't worth it to be in SJ.
they think that they've wasted their lives in SJ.
why, why is that so?
just what is SJ to you? all of you?

2010-09-01T21:14:00.002+08:00

back on track.

update of my life,
studying studying, SJ stuff, studying.
that's all for these 2 weeks.
until 10th sep.
once 10th sep comes, i'm free!
whoohoo~ holidays are here,
time to manage the corps and gain more white hair.
i want this corps not only to thrive, we have to flourish,
gain back the dominance in school, the aura that we had,
most importantly, the morale towards the corps.
i believe i can do it.
it's time to bring the corps up, no more staying stagnant.

for studies wise,
let's jiayou.
i need more than just a pass.
i need to pull back my GPA.
3.0 is supposed to be the minimum.
let's do it.

and i'm damn broke.
september will be a stay home month,
watch dramas, hang out with my mum, fold stars.
fold stars for what? to fill up the bigbigbigbig jar.
hahaha~
there's suddenly so many drama series that i wanna watch,
oh man!
endure endure~ 10th sep. hehe~

i've been feeling less emo recently,
not because i stopped feeling a certain way,
but because somehow or rather,
i think you care, at least as my twinnie.
you haven't been onlining,
it's a good sign i guess? you're studying.
the only channel of knowing what's happening to you,
is via facebook.
which doesnt have a lot of updates on your life to begin with.
but i know you're fine, or at least i hope so.
but i'm at peace.
of course i do think so much once in a while,
but i won't get sad over it.
let decemeber come.
let's see, ZPN will prolly be the first time i see you after your As.
somehow that makes me look forward to that.
dear twinnie,
before that happens,
be well, stay fine, dun fall sick, dun get upset, dun stress out.
always there bear. =)

that's all.
JA~

2010-08-31T00:39:00.003+08:00

maybe i'm just too much of a nuisance for anyone to bother.

2010-08-29T23:00:00.002+08:00

updates!!!!

okay i was trying to update yesterday but somehow i was too lazy to even watch liar game,
so ya, i'm back here today~
erm, my life has been, well, like that lor.
feels damn zai that we had YOG training everyday since last sunday.
went to YCK stadium to watch AGI rehearsals last sunday
bought tonns of sweets and chocs and biscuits and rubbish for the kids
and also for meimei lester and deardear~
hope you all liked all the stuff!!! =D
went to YOG training afterwards,
then the following days were all sleeping till rather late timing followed by YOG training.
i'm starting to really miss those training days,
when we would whine and complain and talk alot of rubbish
yet still attend every single training.
hehe~
and oh did i mention, china decided to change the anthem to the 40+ seconds one,
one day before the closing,
so we trained on the night before closing,
when warrant sanep actually didn't want us to.
in the end,
admist all the changes and everyone getting stressed and stuff,
we managed to do a perfect job only on the actual one!!!!!
phew~~~ damn cool~
kudos to flag raisers benedict and twinnie!
had random fun after the end of closing ceremony~
then cabbed home on my own,
tired to the point that i bathed and slept immediately..
hope the end of YOG isn't the end of the YOG flag party~~~
let's still meetup kay?
meanwhile jiayous to the poly kids who're having exams,
and all the best to JC kids for promos and A levels! =)
after YOG it really seems like there's too much time.
friday was spent meeting with lester and deardear at HQ~
then went home
saturday was spent teaching heartsaver for one whole day,
then had dinner with double As, laosan, huiying deardear and lester~
tiong bahru market, somewhere i haven't been to for a long while.
i ate too much i think, wayyyyyyy too much~~~
time to exercise, after my exams though~ haha~
oh and!!!! amelia's sister is an officer.
and it took me half a day to realise. how stupid can i be.
she's damn nice~ and we are rather much tuned to a similar frequency~~
hehe~
had fun teaching heartsaver with her~~ =D
more of such life support courses to come, i believe?
hmmm, today was spent sleeping till afternoon,
and staying at home slacking facebooking watching dramas and attempting to study.
this sucks.
i need to buck up so that i can score well.
cox i promised deardear and i want to reach that level as well,
and also cox twinnie says "3.0 is too low already"
wahhhhhhhhh
feels damn challenged. LOL~
but i shall do it! i will do it!!! =D

suddenly i feel like telling you everything,
just simply everything,
i dunno why i feel like we're like heading towards being strangers.
i know i shouldn't and i know i dun have the guts to tell you before your A levels are over.
i'm just contradicting myself and wallowing in self-pity,
thinking that oh, i'm very emo cox we're not talking etc.
i care too much for myself,
i feel disgusted with myself about it.
that's why i am trying my best to stop myself from talking to them about you.
cox there's no point. in the end the conclusion i get is still the same.
but i'm being so paranoid and irritating
i'm flinching at the very small slightest things.
things like us not talking
things like there's no more oyasuminasai, it's always a goodnight now,
things like you changing your facebook profile pic
things like i dun even know what's going on in your life now,
things like how i can guess that you are still talking on msn with other people, just not me,
things like how i think that end of YOG makes you happy cox you'll be rid of me
things like how i think i'm really irritating,
things like how if yingying didn't like that wall post you wun even bother.
i'm just the one making myself feel horrible
it's got nothing to do with others, nothing to do with you either,
it's just me, i'm so irritating and disgusting.
maybe deep inside one corner of my heart,
i hope that i can tell you. tell you asap,
but then that's really not possible right now,
so ya, end of the day, i just ran one round again,
one full circle and arrive at the same old conclusion,
i should shut my trap and continue like that.
simple as that.

2010-08-29T00:51:00.002+08:00

29.

it's 29. haha, a not very important date.
silly of me to think this way but i think that date is important.
it's not about counting months or what,
it's just about randomness i guess?
hahaha~
there's so much i wanna update about.
shall do it in the morning.
i'm tired right now and i screwed things up.

2010-08-23T03:04:00.002+08:00

wordpress. hmmmmmm

reason for the title? well, i was considering having a blog at wordpress.
i would then be able to set passwords for blog posts.
but then again, if i set passwords, why did i write that blog post?
cox if i didn't want ppl to see, i have the diary. that diary to be specific.
so well, not wordpressing anytime soon. hahaha~

maybe that few days of not talking etc,
made things better?
or maybe your problems are slowly being solved?
i dunno.
but today morning, i thought i was still sleeping,
when i saw your msg asking me whether i'm gonna go watch the kids at AGI.
i know you're interested in watching their progress,
but it still made me happy, that you asked whether i was going as well.
well, there was awkward silence here and there.
or rather, strange silence when we dun talk but doesn't feel suffocating.
it feels strange how we used to have many topics to talk about,
every single day, even if we went on outing, or we meet up,
we will end up talking on msn.
and there was this period of time when we keep sms-ing each other.
i wondered where all those topics went to.
haha~
i wonder how long can all these last.
maybe you're just putting up a strong front, till YOG's over?
i really wonder.
folding stars is a bittersweet activity.
the product i get is a nice little star,
but the process is one where my fingertips will feel painful.
it's as bittersweet as my feelings for you.
i really just dun want you to face your problems on your own.
or rather, maybe i'm more selfish, i dun want to not know what's wrong,
i dun want to not know why you're upset.
i want to hear you whine and talk and complain
i want to hear you talk about anything, anyone,
be it random or otherwise,
i just wanna know.
but it's too suffocating that way, isn't it?
well, ultimately, i just wanna let you know,
you may not choose to tell me about alot of things,
but i'll always be there.
even if you treat me as just a backup
it's alright.
at least being a backup means that you will look for me when you have no one to turn to.
that's enough.
i'll always be there, twinnie.
i may not be able to catch you when you fall,
but i'll definitely help you get back up on your feet again after your fall.
26th august 2010.
what's gonna happen after that, who knows.
but every 29th, i'd free myself up and spend some time going to some places that means alot.
like that ice cream shop near the flyer.
why every 29th?
cox i happened to randomly check back on facebook the other day,
and realised that we became twinnies on 29th june.
hahaha.
random right?

alright.
it's 3.17am. my eyes hurts, i need to sleep. haha~

2010-08-19T12:39:00.002+08:00

and life goes on.

after torturing myself with my think too much,
and a hisashiburi crying so much,
i am kinda sure what i'm gonna do,
i'll still just maintain things the way they are.
now's not the time, he's not ready,
seeing all the posts on facebook, he's really not ready.
so dun worry, you won't see my blog posts or the diary yet.
and i didn't know that jie actually posted something on my facebook wall.
thanks jie~ =)
yes i think i need an answer, just not now, when you're unsure about yourself,
and when you have A levels to handle.
i will stop being weird, i wun be emo anymore.
no more grey posts on nixgint160592 =)
i'm not acting strong, i have to be strong,
and right now, i remembered what jacelyn once told me,
if you really like him, fight for what you want,
even if it means falling down and getting hurt,
wounds all over the place, i will still fight,
just not now.
because i don't want to hurt you.
and all of these is just me and myself thinking wayyyyyy too much.
i just hope i can still bug you.
should i start bugging you? till you can't take it any longer?
i want to hear you tell me random stuff,
i want to hear you whine to me,
i want to know which part of your game you progressed to.
or even when you reached the high score chart of your game.
i want to hear you saying random stuff about yourself,
then complain and say that you should be studying.
i want to hear you saying that you talk just about anything under the sun,
i want to hear all that, as your friend, as your twinnie,
i'm not thinking so much now.
just as your twinnie will do.
instead of you being bottled up.

2010-08-18T23:46:00.001+08:00

crying is tiring

2010-08-17T23:48:00.002+08:00

dear twinnie,
i'm so sorry about today.
i should've placed more faith in you.
when you made that remark, i didn't know why i reacted that way.
maybe as you said, i was too shallow.
but i didn't think of it as you deceiving me.
but then again, why i would think so,
probably because, to guys i dunno what you all think,
all these while, i've seen ppl. after NS, totally left SJ.
it's not impossible.
but i was really sad when you said SJ is a waste of your time.
i am disgusted at myself, at the same time, rather disappointed in you,
was shocked that you actually said that of SJ.
but well, maybe i think too much,
maybe it just never crossed my mind that you'd ever say that.
but still, i'm sorry i had such little faith in you,
that i am so shallow.
i need to do some soul searching.

2010-08-17T02:18:00.002+08:00

YOG trainings will now be on 17 18 19 20,
from 8pm to 1030pm at NCC HQ.
how the hell are you gonna cope with all that?
you have school from morning to afternoon,
then you have your tuitions,
then you have your homeworks
and the revisions you would probably do.
i can't even bear to start thinking about how tired you're gonna be from all these.
and yet there's nothing i can do to help.
='(

2010-08-15T14:21:00.002+08:00

i'm sorry.
i am being the stupid and annoying me as usual.
it's lucky that you didn't know anything.
before i slept yesterday, had alot of time to think things through.
and i was being too much.
what the hell am i doing.
imagine if you knew everything, things would've been worse off.
right now you're just in the state of what i always nagged at you to be.
to study, concentrate on what you should, not to stray too much,
not to tire yourself out, find time for your family and friends.
like what luating said, maybe you really listen to me.
and you're really doing what i said before.
so why am i complaining?
thus i'm sorry that i was too much.
i think too much, only care about myself. then in the end, end up complaining.
but i mean what i said.
i'll stop whining about you to them.
cox somehow, after thinking yesterday, i realised that,
it's as good as talking behind your back.
and why would i want to do that?
i'm sorry, really sorry. about everything.

2010-08-15T01:13:00.002+08:00

in the end, who cares?
i am thinking too much right now,
i am expecting too much right now,
i am such an idiot,
i dunno what to do right now,
everytime i'm upset or sad or emo, it's all cox of me and my own doings.
haha.
do i care? do you care? does everyone care?
i dunno.
end of the day, conclusion being, maybe i just don't deserve those around me.
simple as that.

i dunno what's bothering you and what's wrong,
and i dun think i should ask as well.
we're not talking, i'm not taking the initiative cox everything's too tiring for you.
we will grow distant, as expected.
unexpectedly, we are growing distant even when YOG's not over yet.
great.
sometimes i really wonder how much do you care.
you didn't even see me walk right past you,
我们擦肩而过，你都没有发现.
that's how much you dun care? LOL.
why am i blaming you? i've been the one thinking too much what.
right, i am PMS-ing, emo-ing, whatever shit you call it,
i should just emo myself away and cry it out.
then tomorrow will be a brand new day once again.
i shan't talk about you to them anymore.
neither am i gonna think so much anymore.
i'm not gonna whine anymore.
it's really gonna be the case. i bet everyone's sick and tired of my doings.
i'm sorry about everything.
i won't talk so much anymore. it's just rubbish.
my rubbish. i was too self-centred.
right. that's about it.

2010-08-13T01:40:00.002+08:00

thinking too much.

this is one thing i tend to do.
haha.
the one thing that makes me such an irritating person,
i'm not emoing,
i chose not to think too much.
there's no point in it cox you'll never know.
but sometimes i do wonder,
maybe it's cox it's you thus i think so much.
thinking so much, is not good,
what lauting and lester said is true.
shouldn't think too much.
=)

one thought just suddenly crossed my mind.
the end of the story seems quite obvious.
maybe my very very initial decision to do things the same way as 3 years ago was correct.
just that i inflict all these pain on myself by allowing all these feelings to continue.
maybe that's the reason why i think we're very weird right now.
maybe if i didn't harbour such feelings,
we wouldn't be so weird.
i wouldn't feel so weird.
i wouldn't be thinking about end of YOG and the uncertainty that follows,
i wouldn't be feeling like crying while making some stuff for you.
i wouldn't be fearing losing you even as a friend, as a twinnie.
it's all self-inflicted.
and then again it's me and my stupid think too much once again.
and that is self-inflicted pain for nothing.
haha~
this is how stupid and troublesome i am.

2010-08-12T01:52:00.003+08:00

Update!!!

right, update about my life.
random ttm. hahaha, but i realised that my blog is so much about one topic,
too much, in fact. haha~

holidays, or should i say, 3 weeks break started last weekend.
it's a break, but, hmmmm, got alot of things going on.
i need to wake up my idea and study for that 3 impt papers.
to get the 3.0 GPA that i promised LauTing. =)
so, after this week i think i would rather much find more time to study.
would prevent myself from going out too much altogether.
save moneh also!! hahaha~

this whole week, has been eventful. and i'm not complaining.
let's start from last saturday then.

saturday was YOG training,
it's so cool that they had fireworks for the rehearsal!
hehe. and staff maaaaaaa(haha) said that what we saw was only 10% of the actual day's fireworks. i can't wait for actual day nowwwww xD
some very nice person who's my only twinnie in this world was very nice,
as usual. thank you~ =)
i said it once before, and i'll say it again,
you would always manage to put a smile on my face.
and it was the first time you straightaway "my parents will send you home"
hahaha~ feels paiseh and kinda guilty. but really thankful for that. =)

sunday was cousins' outing. had kbox, movie, dinner, haagen daz~
hehehehehehehehehe~
kbox was kinda fun, though seem kinda short, and we were all singing emo songs,
dunno why. it's fun, but diff from kbox family. haha~
maybe cox kbox family, we have all the weird things we do in kbox! =P
the movie, erm, made no sense to me, so like, ya, liddat lor =X
then had dinner at NYNY~ ate soooo much
but still had space for haagen daz~
ate sth called paradise. haha! love the raspberry and mango sorbet! xD
okay i prefer sorbet to creamy icecream, that's why. LOL.
in conclusion, i love haagen daz!!
oh, and i found out that kelvin kor knew pohwei's brother(or rather staff teo)
haha~ the world is damn small. or maybe singapore is. =X

monday was kbox family outing.
had dinner at justacia at marina square,
then watched fireworks from a different viewpoint.
hahaha~
and twinnie got the chance to watch NDP live!!!!!
i want also. sian~
to think that 18 years of my life, i have never watched NDP live.
hahaha~
nvm, i shall try getting tickets next year!
new item on my wishlist: to watch NDP live before i turn 21.
haha~ =P
and erm, my attitude was bad towards lao san,
but not cox of him, cox i think in a way you behaving weirdly,
like not yourself. like you were making yourself seem stupid,
but you're not a stupid girl you know.
but in any case, i apologise for all the GL-ness and the unhappiness.
maybe i should've told you instead of GL you. sorry.
hmmm, in the end,
lester, lauting and i randomly went to suntec to walk walk,
then meet twinnie after his NDP and dinner.
LOL~ alot of random things happen.
such random things are precious cox it's with kbox family~
i love all of you ppl~ =)

tuesday was outing with OT5 to celebrate hime's birthday!
it has been 3 long months since we meet up.
had fun wearing the hats in fish and co!
and hope hime likes the present i gave! xD
though it's like nothing much =X
sadly, because i wasn't hardworking enough,
i had to go back to school to submit tutorials,
and thus i left after having lunch with OT5.
i'm sorry, really sorry.
i promise this wun happen the next time we meet up.
and my laptop has gone bonkers,
i can't play sound without using earpiece.
need to send for servicing=inconvenience! =(
but i think i'll send for servicing anyway~
i dun want a problematic yousuke.
yousuke~ please get well.

today was YOG again!!
haha, today i was late for training.
would've overslept if twinnie didn't wake me up.
thanks twinnie~ =)
it rained heavily today,
and i got wet from head to toe.
eventually the rain stopped and twinnie and i was able to look for lester and lauting at marina square. hehe.
had fun roaming around,
and we got one part of twinnie's present! a vest!
he said he like it on the spot. but was super reluctant to let us buy.
giving all sorts of excuses. LOL.
but too bad. we did it anyway! hehe~ =D
then had dinner together before twinnie and i head back to f1 pit.
hmmm, realised that unexpectedly, someone opened up about himself to me,
abit? maybe cox i myself am the think too much kind or sth,
so can sense that person's "pattern" or rather,
the way he thinks.
but i feel like i'm damn weird. maybe cox, this friend is the americanised kind.
haha~ grabbing me by the neck and shoulder etc.
i'm not exactly used to it.
maybe cox i didn't exactly do that alot with friends.
or rather, i do that only with girls before, i think? =X
sorry if i was weird. really didn't mean it.
hmmm, anyways,
i realised that i am tired from YOG simply cox of the fact that we walk alot.
hahaha~
keep walking and walking and walking.
that's the only tiring part.
other than that, YOG is simply enjoyable ttm! =D
it's an experience that only we will share, once in a lifetime ppl!

okay, and then,
as all those who read my blog should know,
i'm gonna talk about that one topic.
LOL. expectedly.
okay. today i made a really, weird and, i would say, need me to go beyond my comfort zone choice.
i passed lauting that diary to read.
i wondered whether i should've let her read it.
cox it was stuff meant for your eyes,
or rather, it was all about you.
it felt weird to let her read.
but one thing is, lauting is someone i can really trust.
someone i can tell everything to.
so in the end i decided to let her read it.
which i found weird, i didn't had reasons to. but ya.
i wonder if end of the day, i'm not exactly sure whether you will get to read it or not.
and i wonder if letting you read it would hurt you in any way,
so lauting as someone i can really trust,
maybe she could've scanned through the diary. =X
hmmm and recently,
though we didn't talk much,
i'm not that upset.
rather than that,
i would be more upset when you are upset.
thing about not talking much is that,
i can't be there for you when you need someone, cox i wun be able to know.
but i really really dun dare to talk to you.
because i dun want to waste any of your time,
but when we do talk,
sometimes it's just so nice.
like how you actually acted cute on msn.
haha~ =)
we seem to be running outta topics?
i'm not sure, maybe there are alot of differences between us.
i wonder.
i will tell myself to stop being so whiny and reliant and dependent on you,
and stop bullying you, because everything is already taking a toll on you.
i'm really scared you're too stress to a point where you can't handle it anymore.
i dun want that to happen to you, ever.
and random thing,
i realised we've been calling each other by name recently, instead of twinnies.
is that a good sign or bad sign?
i'm just afraid of growing distant. that's all.
after YOG, what exactly would happen?
i'm just so used to the fact that i will always see you soon.
so much so that, i think once YOG ends,
there'd be times i will miss you. really miss you.
but once YOG ends, you have to really sprint for your dreams.
you've been lagging, i realised.
that's not good. you want to go far, and you should sprint.
like how you motivated me to study hard, i hope to do the same for you.
i shall think about it and find a way to do that.
with minimal disturbance for you, of course.
and on a sidenote, your birthday,
haha, wonder if you will like what we're gonna do to you.
and that box of randomness, i haven't even started yet.
i've got a problem thinking about what i should write. =X
alright, one thing i'm sorry about is that, when you care and try to make me sleep earlier,
i've never once heed your advice.
it's so late right now, close to 3, and i'm still awake.
this is how bad i am. =X
but but, i promise you i will listen to you and sleep earlier. =)
thank you for always being so nice,
and for bearing with a siaoginna twinnie like me.
sometimes i wonder what exactly will happen.
and then thinking about you going to NS and signing on,
wonders if you're gonna come back to SJ.
what does SJ mean to you?
i'm sure right now it means alot. but after NS?
SJ means alot to me you know.
i really hope to see you back in SJ.
cox SJ is where i got to know you, got to understand more about you, and got to like you.
it's all cox of SJ.
and more than anything, SJ is the love of my life.
random random me with random random thoughts. =X

haha~
i'm turning so so so random here.
i just realised i've written alot in the past 1 hour.
LOL~ that was how long it took for me to type this post.
right, i shall now go to sleep.
JA~

2010-08-10T02:24:00.001+08:00

you're just so nice. =)

2010-08-05T23:38:00.003+08:00

Implicit Meaning

you asked me whether i heard this song before.
when i read the lyrics, haha, immediately i wonder if there's a hidden meaning.
cox this song seems rather 99% about us, in a way?
i really wonder.
listening to this song, suddenly i felt like crying.
hahas. but i will make sure that you will always see me smile.
i will never cry in front of you. at least not now. =)

《明天以后》---林峰泳儿

泳:在你的记忆里面有一个我
在你最痛苦的时候陪你度过
难过过了天晴朗了我就走

林:你拯救我的寂寞我的痛我的梦
在你的面前我不必保留
还来不及对你说
迟到的我的心动

泳:你的好你的坏
林:我的脾气你最懂
泳:我不要你心疼我(林:我不要你离开我)
合:明天的以后我们会懂
失恋的挫折让人变更成熟

泳:我对你感觉胜过爱情
林:因为有你给我勇气给我用不完的运气
林:其实也想好好爱你
泳:只怕到最后不小心让你伤心(林:我不怕会伤心)
合:对不起我对你再好再亲密都不能在一起
林:最后看你在别人怀里
泳:有天我会找到我的唯一(林:我并不是你的唯一)
合:还微笑祝福你

林:你拯救我的寂寞我的痛我的梦
在你的面前我不必保留
泳:我从来没对你说
压抑的我的心动

林:我的好我的坏我的脾气你最懂
泳:我不要你来心疼我
合:明天的以后我们会懂
失恋的挫折让人变更成熟

泳:我对你感觉胜过爱情
林:因为有你给我勇气给我用不完的运气
林:其实也想好好爱你
泳:只怕到最后不小心让你伤心(林:我不怕会伤心)
合:对不起我对你再好再亲密都不能在一起
林:最后看你在别人怀里
泳:有天我会找到我的唯一(林:我并不是你的唯一)
合:还微笑祝福你

泳:爱情总让人折磨
林:所以我们才选择
合:做比情人更好的朋友

泳:我对你感觉胜过爱情
林:因为有你给我勇气给我用不完的运气
林:其实也想好好爱你
泳:只怕到最后不小心让你伤心(林:我不怕会伤心)
合:对不起我对你再好再亲密都不能在一起
林:最后看你在别人怀里
泳:有天我会找到我的唯一(林:我并不是你的唯一)
合:还微笑祝福你

2010-08-02T02:18:00.002+08:00

#500

surprisingly, my blog has hit blog post number 500.
haha~
it's been so dead. this blog.
okay actually not really.
after privating and opening up this blog a few times,
in the end i still end up opening up.
even though i know a certain sectionmate (hi Joson!) of mine is reading,
and the fact that he's squadmates with twinnie.
but Joson wun tell twinnie about my blog, he said so, and he's a sectionmate i can trust! =)
thanks Joson! hehe~

life has been, well, kinda school and YOG based.
realised that i missed out on alot of SJ stuff.
been a long while since i went back to corps.
and it's so sad! i'm not involved in AGI.
=(
i dislike being so uninvolved in SJ~
it feels so sad.
i'm not barred but why do i feel like i am barred?
haha~

hmmm, i guess maybe, deep down inside
just this one part of me, might've wanted you, twinnie, to chance upon this stupid blog.
and read all those peach font coloured posts.
that might've been the reason why i still opened up this blog for anyone to read,
it's damn easy to find my blog you know,
just google my full name.
hahaha~
suddenly i feel so disgusted with myself.
why would i want you to know?
actually it's nothing shameful, the main reason why i didn't tell you is cox i dun wanna damage our friendship,
and also i'm not sure whether you can take it.
i'm perfectly fine with you not feeling the same and we continue being friends you know.
okay, of course i do hope we can be together.
but sometimes i just feel that 我配不上你。
ya. so if you dun feel the same, i'm fine, but are you?
i dun want you to carry a burden of guilt knowing that i like you.
i dun want you to suffer like how 她 suffered because of the 木头。
that's all i'm concerned with.

and and, sorry if i think too much,
but recently. i'm not sure anymore.
previously, i was rather certain you dun feel the same way.
but recently some parts of you are really weird you know.
misleading idiot. haha =P
but then again, today when i was being a whiner and saying i want a giant carebear
you said "ask your future BF to buy for you"
zzzzzzzz.
totally. what if i said "you"
LOL. i bet you're just gonna offline immediately and run away
so stop misleading me =X
hahaha, joking la.

i just realised how much i dun understand you.
i didn't want to talk so much, cox i'm not supposed to be disturbing you,
yet we talked a fair bit.
i wanted to whine, but i know i shouldn't thus i didn't
but in the end you still listened to me talk about a certain topic.
and by the time i realised that i talked too much,
i already talked too much,
and yet again, you, as nice as usual, just told me "it's okay"
idiot =)

你说：“向左向右向前看爱要拐几个弯才来我遇见谁会有怎样的对白我等的人她在多远的未来”

我想告诉你：“阴天傍晚车窗外未来有一个人在等待”，我希望等你的那个人，可以是我。

哈哈，我还蛮不要脸的。=X
但说真的，我希望可以等你，而且，就在不久的将来。

2010-07-29T02:00:00.002+08:00

realised that we've been talking less and less everyday.
it's not that we are distancing, it's just really time for you to study already.
as what everyone is saying, there's the bell curve,
to get to the top, you've gotta do more than just homework.
i believe you are more aware of that than i am.
it's good to see you busy over studying,
though your replies became short one word replies,
at least i know you are busy, and that i am not disturbing you. =)

right now, i think instead of talking to you every single day,
i should just write you a letter every week,
and pass it to you when i see you.
it would be a letter telling you about what happened,
and also one that i hope can motivate you,
encourage you to work harder.
i really hope, that you can work hard towards your goal,
and achieve your dreams.
because i know, that will be when you are really happy.
=)

2010-07-27T22:17:00.002+08:00

你知不知道薰衣草的花语是什么？

薰衣草的花语是等待爱情。
还小的时候看过一部偶像剧，叫做《薰衣草》
偶像剧的主题曲，叫《花香》

花香

风没有方向的吹来
雨也跟着悲伤起来
没有人能告诉我
爱是在什么时候悄悄走开

风伴着花谢了又开
雨把眼泪落向大海
现在的我才明白
你抱着紫色的梦选择等待

记忆是阵阵花香
我们说好谁都不能忘
守着黑夜的阳光
难过却假装坚强
等待的日子里你比我勇敢

记忆是阵阵花香
一起走过永远不能忘
你的温柔是阳光
把我的未来填满
提醒我花香常在就像我的爱

风伴着花谢了又开
雨把眼泪落向大海
现在的我才明白
你抱着紫色的梦选择等待

记忆是阵阵花香
我们说好谁都不能忘
守着黑夜的阳光
难过却假装坚强
等待的日子里你比我勇敢

记忆是阵阵花香
一起走过永远不能忘
你的温柔是阳光
把我的未来填满
提醒我花香常在就像我的爱

记忆是阵阵花香
我们说好谁都不能忘
守着黑夜的阳光
难过却假装坚强
等待的日子里你比我勇敢

记忆是阵阵花香
一起走过永远不能忘
你的温柔是阳光
把我的未来填满
风吹起花的香味就像你的爱

许绍洋唱的。他唱得很不完美，但就是这种不完美，让人喜欢。
偶像剧里的故事，结果是个悲欢交错的。

今天的我，在思考着，如果等了很久，
你仍然只把我当朋友，也许我应该满足，
就当你的好朋友，放弃对你的喜欢。
我知道，也明白，如果我真的那么做，我会很后悔。
而对你的这份喜欢也将成为我毕生的遗憾，
因为我知道我一定不忍心告诉你。
告诉你会让你内疚，我不要，因为我不要你难过，或愧疚。
我想，放弃你的这个情景，比起你也会喜欢我的情景，
放弃的那个比较真实，仿佛就在不久的将来就会发生。
不完美的结局，也许也是我的结局。

2010-07-22T23:59:00.006+08:00

你的肩膀是我豁达的天堂

我说过我不会把对你的心情写在这里，
但我食言了。
也许因为，今天到你家去，了解你更多
把你的对我的好，看得很清楚。
你那么疼我，是因为你把我当成很好很好的朋友。
对我比较细心是因为你的很好很好的朋友，通常都是男生。
对我好是因为我是女生，对吗？
今天我看得很清楚，清楚地让我有点不想承认。
而且我知道，你还忘不了她。
所以今天我会把心情写在这里，是因为我已有了打算。
对你的感觉，不，对你的喜欢，慢慢得越陷越深，
所以我不会放弃。
但是，我会等，等到年底，十二月的时候，
如果十二月我们一起看到日出，
我就会把我每天写的日记送给你，
再写一封信，告诉你我心里的感受，对你的喜欢。
虽然，九月到年底的这段时间，我也许会有点辛苦，
也许会胡思乱想一大堆有的没的，
可是我会等，到年底。
如果我们真的有缘分，当我告诉你的时候，你对我也会是同样的感觉。
如果你对我没有那种感觉，我希望我们还能依旧当好朋友，
当彼此的双胞胎姐弟。
因为我真的很珍惜很珍惜我们之间的友情。
因为你能对我敞开胸怀，告诉我很多很多关于你的事。
而我也一样能信任你，告诉你我的心事。
你的肩膀是我豁达的天堂，
我值得信任且信任我的双胞胎弟弟！

twinnie, this is how much i cherish our friendshup,
and all these, is how i feel towards you.
of course it's more than what you see here,
but the gist of it is here.
till december, you shall not know.
it's simply cox you wun read, thus i wrote it here.
because i came to my decision, a firm decision. =)

2010-07-22T18:54:00.001+08:00

rather confirmed that it's not mutual. but i still feel the same.

2010-07-19T01:44:00.002+08:00

hisashiburi~

it's been quite a while since i last posted a blog post.
my blog is becoming dead. haha~
been too engrossed in THE book. LOL!
i write that, every single day,
it's not no time to blog, that's not an excuse.
but then again, it's time i focus on more important matters.
once again i found my efficiency dropping.

i hope to watch sunrise with kbox family in dec! ;D
implicit meaning, as what twinnie always says.
haha~

well, there's alot to type,
but i am just being my lazy self once again.
shall update properly again.

HY songs are ♥~

JA~

2010-07-08T10:45:00.002+08:00

7th July 2010

met twinnie to buy drill cane.
was damn late, made twinnie wait for at least 30 mins.
sorry. =X
in the end haha, had a convo with the auntie,
think next time can go there to buy stuff instead of going HQ's store. haha =)
then went to meet dear dear and ai ku gui~
had dinner and talk talk. and we laughed at the photos we developed.
then dear dear had to go home so ai ku gui went with me to mdm teng teng's house.
talked about quite a bit of stuff. haha.
and dear dear and i decided, we gotta change topic for kbox family.
cox kbox family is getting gloomy. haha~
and then i sorta decided,
never to type in peach colour font anymore.
all that goes on paper.
cox ai ku gui told me several sec 4s know who peach colour font is.
zzz. stalkersssss. hahaha~
that's about it.
and i am sleep deprieved. i have a craving for sleep right now.
hahaha~
JA~

2010-07-06T00:37:00.002+08:00

5th july 2010.

today, OPC was cancelled.
didn't finish SMKT assignment,
in the end, alot of ppl didn't finish. LOL.
but will settle it by tonight and send it out.
went to sch, almost had to present WSS.
scare the hell outta me.
eventually just slacked.
i msned dear and twinnie in class.
both WSS and SMKT.
haha~ damn interesting, i had to practice silent laughter in class. =X

then after lessons, went to have my retest,
i think i'm gonna fail my retest as well. LOL~
anyways,
after retest, went to look for meimei they all in SP.
had dinner with them,
followed by all the wrong wrong talk.
LOL!
of cows and ice-creams~~~
KNS~~~
HAHHAHA

then came home,
faced with bad news,
it's been a long time since i've been so mad,
that i became too calm for my own liking,
and then tried damage control.
i promise i will protect both of them,
actually anyone who's in my corps.
enough is enough, history shall not repeat itself.
initially i thot you were okay as a SNCO etc.
but too bad, so sad, i was goddamn wrong.
i wouldn't hesitate to do anything extreme.
give me a reason and i would do it.

and twinnie is seriously twinnie.
we're really twins,
i didn't realise that we were so alike.
haha~
esp when both of us can't play patapon.
LOL~~~
i wanna learn how to play patapon!!!!
=/

and then, today i felt happy that i am able to maintain things like that,
it's not difficult afterall.
haha,
you have my support, no matter what happens.
just that i do hope that when you fall, let me know,
i might not be able to catch you, but i will be there to pick you up,
and hopefully, help you get over the pain from the wounds.
but obviously, i do hope that you wun ever fall.
cox seeing you fall will be too painful.
many people has been telling me that i am very stupid,
to think this way, and to do such things,
i wonder if i am.
but if i really like you, i dun mind being stupid.
and maybe, by doing this, i might be able to let you go just like how i let go of 3 years ago.
although it took time to realise i liked 3 years ago,
but i was able to let those feelings go.
but of course, to 3 years ago, it was a crush,
to you i'm not so sure,
i think it's more than a crush,
i'm not sure yet,
like i said, let now till end of 2010 be my test,
at the end of everything i'd know my results,
whether or not i passed.
people tell me there's hope,
but i wonder if there is,
maybe cox i understood you too well.
haha~
we shall see then,
what life wants to do with us.
meanwhile you have my support with what you are attempting. =)

2010-07-04T23:26:00.002+08:00

dinner with kbox family! 4th July 2010

had dinner at pepper lunch with kbox family today!
too bad ruiting wasn't here. study hard girl girl! then we can have fun! =D

we ate at pepper lunch, find the food quite nice.. shall go there next time again~~ haha.
then meimei and rii has alot of PDA going on..
dinner was like damn high cox of rii and meimei,
HAHA!
photos and videos works better in describing what happened!
after dinner we went to play arcade for a bit..
hilarious.
especially at the dance machine..
HAHAHAH
meimei!!! cool only...
and 5 ppl playing on the dance machine was kinda epic
xD
then we went to some fitness area at the balcony of the shopping mall..
damnnnnnnn funnehhhh
all the wrong looking photos came from there..
OMG~~~
hhahahahahaha~
then we spent loads of time trying to balance everyone on some, triangle thingy?
LOL~ can't really describe that thing
but then it's seriously damn funny.
and nickky loves to spin and spin and spin and spin and spin!
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
hmmmm,
in the end, played till like, 9plus?
then we went to mac to sit,
and talk about love stories.
twinnie shared with us his...
and we shall thus aid him in his quest! xD
then went round the table talking about love stories..
it's nice to talk to one another about all these~~~
kbox family is <3~~>
then cabbed home with amanda,
and here i am...

i haven't finished SMKT assignment.
it's 20%, i'm like so dead.

hopefully i still can hand in..
=X

decemeber suddenly seems too far away,
and hearing about alot of things,
i feel confused.
and i feel like i'm doing nothing.
but then again,
as what dear dear said,
now's not the time,
i should just take tonight,
to wallow in self pity for tonight only,
then face you once again,
pretending nothing happened.
or at least let everything stay undetectable,
and i shall help you get what you want.
the saddest thing is, i find that we are getting more and more topicless..
i do hope we can talk more,
i think i need to understand you more.
and i feel that there are alot of things i dun know about.
really, i'm in a knot of wires right now,
i dunno which to cut to untie things.
i need to sort things out..

on top of that,
i haven't been disciplined enough to keep up with things,
in the end everything's a big fat mess and i haven't been doing things that i need to do.
it's time to wake up my bloody idea.

2010-07-04T13:14:00.003+08:00

2nd July 2010
at least we feel that we've ever been there.

LCSMSS.
went to AGM today. was really surprised that they mentioned about LSCMSS.
and was touched that we actually get a video montage for the past academic year.
and was really thankful towards Sihao, Andrew, Joanne and Joanna for the gift.
everything just makes me feel like at least we've ever been there.
and it made me remember, out of a sudden,
of the post log camp period,
when we started to meet up, and plan,
plan about all the events and activities we wanted to hold for the school,
the sports league,
the pool competition,
the prawning,
the log camp,
the workshop,
the industrial visit...
all of it, that we were starting to organise,
then it came to a screeching halt, because of the possibility of merger..
then came everything piling on top of one another.
and suddenly, we just ended, just like that.
when i thought that we became more bonded,
when i thought that we could become more involved with the society,
and make it a better one.
it ended at our batch. it feels kinda sad.
but understanding alot of things after talking to sihao and andrew,
i know that we couldn't help it. because of all the reasons behind.
those reasons, made good sense of the situation.
i am not resentful, neither am i angry, or blaming,
but i find it's such a shame that everything just ended like that.
if we didn't end, there could've been more.
i would've been more tired,
with more things to do,
but then i guess i would have been more than happy to undergo all that.
but nevertheless, maybe this is fate.
but let's not end here, the bond from the log camp.
it won't be camp over bond over.
and i would like to say i'm sorry, for i have been someone useless in this society.
cox i didn't treat it as seriously as what i could've treated it.
i'm really sorry. there could've been more that i could do,
but i didn't.
and thank you for everything you've taught me.
it will be an experience, that i would never forget,
and you ppl will be the ppl i would never forget.
Jacintha, Andy, Aik Hao, Hou Jun, Eshlyn, Ferly, Si Hao, Yu Sheng, Derek, Joanna, Joanne, Andrew, Wei Jie, Yu Chuan, Jeremy.
LSCMSS.
as what sihao said,
LSCMSS will now serve it's due purpose,
the purpose that it originally begin with.
=)

3rd July 2010
was supposed to be at HQ by 7plus,
so that i can see dear dear before her FDI.
but i overslept. =X
sorry dear dear...
went down at noontime instead.
had PDA with dear dear,
holding hands, hugging etc.
everyone was so jealous.
hahaha~
frankly speaking, i haven't held someone's hands in a long time,
so dear dear, i am not hua xin de!! =D
hehe
then went to tiong,
bought some materials.
hehehehehehehe.
all shall be reveal when the time is right!
then met twinnie at tiong,
and went to the army museum~~~
twinnie can consider being a tour guide for the army museum!
haha~
he shocked some uncle when he demo how to do the sedia of the M16 (i think?)
the uncle's expression was HAHA~ =X
then went around, i think we spent about 2 to 3 hours in the museum?
or maybe longer...
it's really interesting, and i think i might be tempted to join army.
LOL~ i'm kiddddddddinnngggggggg
army's too tough, i'm not fit enough =X
and then, twinnie's photo-taking skills is cui cui~~~ HAHAHAHAHAHA
=P
then we headed back to HQ to look for everyone.
sorry twinnie, didn'd find out the shop that sells drill cane properly,
in the end didn't get drill cane
will find out and let you know asap~~~
then we went to marina for dinner~~
Shifu, First Lady, Mei Mei, Rii, Dear Dear, Twinnie and myself!
haha~
it was goddamn funny.
and i think after looking through mei mei's photos, i kinda expected his craziness.
but everyone else was shocked. damn shocked. hahaha!
and all the butt drying drama~~~
like OMG~~~~
LOL~
seriously, going out with them is fun, always fun! =P
let's have more of such outings.
and hopefully twinnie gets to go for closing meeting.
sian, why ZC ban him for the last meeting for ANCO,
D:

and conclusion of the day,
softtoy is SOOOOO LOVED! xD

and suddenly i felt like telling you before everything is too late.
but i've already came to a conclusion,
you wun feel the same way, but sometime down the road, i'd let you know.
by then, i wonder if i feel the same way,
i guess i probably would, because this time, it's not a crush,
it's not a feeling of nervousness etc,
it feels like a day to day thingy.
haha, sounds complicated,
oh well, anyway, i will tell you when you least expect me to.
no, more like when you least expect somebody to tell you such a thing.
haha~

2010-07-02T01:39:00.002+08:00

1st july 2010

twinnie, dear dear and rii came over to ngee ann today!
had dinner together. did stuff with dear dear in the afternoon.
hehe. had fun today!!!!!
and twinnie is gonna tell dear dear and i loads of things.
his long long long long long story.
dun break your promise alright? =D

had a rather long talk with twinnie over the phone,
talking about random stuff..
told him stuff from 3 years ago.
his reaction was just like everyone else's.
HAHAHA
but then, 3yearsago is a nice person alright! =)

today i got to know that my assumptions were rather off...
when dear dear and i talked about this matter,
i realised our assumptions are wrong...
or rather, it may be wrong..
but then again,
you are just so cute as someone who's liking someone.
the way you behave made me realised that in terms of r/s,
you haven't grown up...
living in the fairytale concept.
haha~
but that's the part of you that i like as well.
to like someone, i think you might just have to embrace their flaws,
their imperfections.
cox that's who they really are.
trying to change them is not liking them for who they are.
it's okay.
there's a test coming right up.
i have already convinced myself,
if i pass this test that i set for myself.
i will let you know, be it immediately after the test,
or sometime later.
i will let you know with the mindset that i expect you not to feel the same way.
cox i know you wun feel the same way,
no matter how dear dear convinced me that you might or would.
haha, call it low self-esteem or no confidence,
i just feel that you wun.

2010-06-30T22:39:00.002+08:00

museums

i am starting to love museums!!!
or maybe acually i've been loving them since young.
i love school trips to museums,
but there's always so little time to explore the museum when on school trips.
am excited about going to army museum with twinnie this saturday..
and i wanna visit the peranakan museum!!!!
it seems so interesting, peranakan culture...
hahaha~

and today, realised that the panda w-labbit stalks blog...
and he/she just refuses to tag....
booooooooo
riii is bad~~
dun tag on tagboard one...
=/
*throws lettuce*
hahaha~

and suddenly alot alot of things to do sia...
but then,
doing everything now,
will ease the load at a later date.
jiayou ting xin!
=D

and suddenly i couldn't remember what i wanted to blog about..
0_0
nvm, let's stop here..
blog tmr if i rmb..
eh, wait,
tmr's an exciting eventful day,
so blog again when i feel like it.
wahahah~
JA~

2010-06-29T22:21:00.002+08:00

twinnie

i found someone i can call twinnie.
are we very close? to me i think we're close.
but there's still things he'd hide.
no, there's still loads of things that he'd hide.
but just wanna say,
twinnie, dun act strong in front of me,
cox you really suck at doing that.
really.
it's okay to face your weakness,
it's okay to cry,
it's okay not to be strong.
it's a strength to be able to face your weakness as well.
though you'd never get to see this,
but still,
twinnie, let those feelings out.
you needa pour out your heart
so that you can contain feelings for your next one.
jia you twinnie.
and i'm not making sense.
LOL~

2010-06-28T20:01:00.003+08:00

I feel kinda bad that i haven't finished with blogging about ANCO. =X
but i just wanna come here and write something...
i dunno what happened, i feel like knowing,
but if you dun feel like saying, i hope you wun force yourself...
and knowing that you're upset makes me worry...
i just wanna tell you that,
although you're upset that she doesn't seem to care,
but i care...
and then even if she doesn't bother, i do,
many others do as well...
it's okay to be weak and cry and break down,
cox that's how you feel and that's the real you..

2010-06-20T19:46:00.002+08:00

the same decision as 2007

back in 2007, towards someone,
maybe i didn't realise back then,
but i had the same kinda feelings for that someone as what i have to you now.
maybe cox i have a change in mindset,
and maybe cox of your character,
the feeling this time was different.
nevertheless,
i thought through and came to a conclusion,
this time round, my decision will be the same as the one 3 years ago,
i will never let you know about these feelings,
because we can't be friends if i told you,
just like with JAKH, the only person i ever confessed to.
i'd rather keep the friendship because i know that you will simply NEVER like me,
given your character and what i know about you.
this is the best way out, let things rest,
let myself stop before i like you more.
you're a person i hold dear to because you're a really good friend,
and thus you shall never know about this.
and then when i see you around,
or when i work together with you again,
i can face you and play, joke etc with you,
like how i can face another person i once liked 3 years ago.
so end of story, you will stay ignorant,
and we will continue being friends,
i will continue bullying you.
and listen to your attempts at wooing girls, how you cried over them,
and all the stuff that you always say that i sometimes dun understand.
hahas~
it feels like i dropped a stone on the floor.
and dun worry it hasn't escalate to the point that it will start hurting yet.
but you'll never see this, will you?
hehe, even if you see, i will deny that it's you!
friendship banzai~~ =D
-the end-

2010-06-07T00:03:00.002+08:00

CHAMPIONS

today was FAC. we didn't win, rather expectedly.
there were loads of tears after the comp.
not only from GESS, from other corps as well.
and this is the very first time i cried after a FAC.

the past few months of training hasn't been smooth at all,
with them having to train on their own,
our delay in starting off trainings,
the thing about choosing teams,
the thing about which categories which team should go to,
having sec 4s to be trainers for sec 3s,
along the way, many many things happen
hospitalisation for amanda,
the kids falling sick here and there,
eugene having his back and spine problem,
jacelyn having some personal problems,
everyone having some problem or another,
it's tough. and it's no mean feat that everyone stick through the end.
it wasn't tough on you all,
especially when i was down there scolding and expecting alot alot from you all..
i'm really proud of you people. really.
there's alot i wanna say.
there's alot of emotions within me right now,
but i think that the most dominant emotion is the surge of pride i have in you.
no matter the result, that trophy that you bring home,
they are the testimony of your blood, sweat, tears and every single thing you've given just for this single day, 06/06/2010.
this day will remain in my heart forever,
as the day when, after so many obstacles that are much more difficult to overcome compared to other years,
you all achieved something, something that reduced yourselves and me to tears.
dun blame yourself for anything.
cry it all out, and let it go..
just cause there was a mistake by you, doesn't mean you are unforgivable,
if you really wanna make up for your mistake,
then come back to GESS SJAB family.
contribute to the corps, and also train the upcoming competitors for FAC.
bring the corps to an even higher level that it is at right now.
you know how difficult it has been to be without trianers,
so come back and make things easier.
and sec 3s, do better for next year.
let the spirit of the dragon of fire burn on.

to the other corps,
well done too,
though i see no point in rubbing salt on other people's wound,
which some people apparently did.
it's not us having no sportsmanship.
it's just that some people are simply so show-off.
big deal if you win, when you dun even have character.

to xiaohaizi,
not only your corps is proud of you,
i believe all the other corps, especially the AC competitors,
everyone is proud of you,
simply because, you gave them a run for their money.
you really put up a good fight.
it's really heart-wrenching to see you and BengKuan crying...
it's like, seriously scary in a way..
maybe because your corps have a very strong image of being impartial and serious and cool and, yeah, i guess you probably know what's the norm,
and to see you all cry, it's like seeing a kid who endured alot alot alot of things,
and at the end of the enduring, crying out loud..
do take some time for yourselves.
but really, you did your best, and i believe the tears that rolled down your cheeks are not those of regret.
cheer up!!!
and congrats on getting BEST LEADER!
ANCO kao ni le! haha~ =P

and to mother hen RT~
your team is great man!
winning the overall champs in Homenursing.
there's hope for everyone out there!
hehe.
rest well and dun overwork yourself with schoolwork.
seems like you will stress about your homework..

you two mother hens are simply too cute!!!!!!!! hehehehhe xD

days left to ANCO. it's time to cheong. but i think i ran outta fuel.
damn it.
it's okay, maybe i can burn the car body itself. LOL
okay.
that's all for today.
my legs are aching.
i hate heels.
i REALLY hate heels.
LOL~

JA~

2010-06-04T13:02:00.004+08:00

Bring It On!

Sunday is the day man.
right, that's 2 days away,
meaning we've only got today and tmr to train,
then it'd be the decisive day.
i'm gonna go for training later,
then go to waterloo street to pray.
then go home also pray.
pray, not for the mistakes of others, not for the downfall of others, and not for the incompetence of others.
i will be praying for the excellence of ours, the professionalism of ours, the rising to the top of ours.
yes i cal tell you that i have a strong desire for us to beat them, to win champion.
all of us have that desire.
but instead of beating them when they are low, beating them when they are lousy,
i'd rather beat them when they are at the top of their game, when they are at their very best.
because in that way, that's the time when we've truly beaten them.
i believe that this isn't impossible.
Singapore won China in the world table tennis championships.
they didn't win because China made mistakes.
they won because of their high morale.
and because of FAITH.
have FAITH in yourselves. because i have that in you all. every single one of you.

and to xiaohaizi,
i hope you all can win.
you all take champ we take 2nd okay? haha, jkjk. but do your best and beat you know who. =P
this is the year where new blood rise to the top of the game.
it's the time of CHANGE.
cheer up and get your morale boosted.
for your corps, for SinMa pride, for 2010!
set the trend in the change! FAITH is the key.=)

and amanda,
sayang sayang,
cheer up alright?
it's hard but try to.
rmb what i told you ytd.
you are more impt than anyone else.
anything happen to you, alot of people will xin tong de...
so dun let anything happen to you alright? =)

alright.
i am now waiting for a one hour lesson that's supposed to start at 2pm.
how stupid can things get? zzz
rights,
enough said.
JA~

2010-06-01T14:56:00.002+08:00

爱莫能助的感觉？

recently, alot of things cropped up all of a sudden..
alot of my mistakes made,
alot of unfulfilled responsibilities...
i dun wanna do things like what jacelyn said,
"clearing events only"
and other than that,
there are alot of things that are happening that are outta my control..
alot of things that, i can't do anything to help those i wanna help,
i can't even make them feel better...
there are alot of things,
occuring suddenly,
when i thot things would run smoothly..
suddenly i felt that my shoulders doesn't seem broad enough to carry them all..
suddenly i felt that, maybe i was selfish, thus now, i'm standing all alone...
suddenly, things are getting more and more outta hand..
i can't run away because, once i do that, everything will screw.
i am not indispensible. but i cannot just leave or run away like that right now..
it's time to wise up, time to work harder.
let there be no mistakes made anymore.
there is no room for mistakes, no room to carelessnes..
that's how things should be.

2010-05-31T22:06:00.003+08:00

Middle Child Syndrome?

Middle Child Syndrome
Dr Kevin Lehman, a psychologist in the
United States, has conducted extensive
research on birth order in a family and
has some interesting findings.
He has, for example, found that
middle children, that is not the eldest or
the youngest, usually grow up to be welladjusted
and easy-going adults.
These children are often the diplomats
of the family and learn early how
to get along with different personality
types.
However, middle children also tend to
keep their thoughts and feelings inside
and will often avoid conflict at all cost.
These characteristics can cause
problems later in life, especially when
they get married.
When raising a middle child, teach
him or her to open up and talk about
what is going on in his or her life.
Parents are urged to spend a lot of
one-on-one time with them, just to make
them feel special. Most important of all,
they must never compare them with their
other siblings.

something i read from newspaper.. interesting. LOL

2010-05-30T15:51:00.002+08:00

i am an unreliable and useless bitch...
i'm late for public duty when my cadets are there early.
i didn't do what i promised to do for ai suan.
in the end i created so much unnecessary problems for everyone..
and not only that, i can't even try to make things better...
in the end they had to solve the problems that i created,
problems that shouldn't have existed in the first place.
i hope you all could blame me or scold me or not forgive me.
rather than be so forgiving to someone who is so useless
who created so much so much problems.
i know it doesn't even bloody help,
but i'm really really very sorry...

2010-05-29T00:25:00.002+08:00

哪个比较痛？

a random thought just suddenly struck me.
is it more painful to know then to not contact, or to never have contacted before?
one example is ANCO.
meeting and knowing many people. especially the younger ones and my two cute mother hens.
hahas.
at the end of ANCO camp on 13th June 2010, would it be really painful?
i think, there might be a chance that yours truly might just cry.
partially cox my first born platoon passed ANCO and become leaders who will take over the reins.
but i think one small part of me would be crying because ANCO came to an end.
this year, there seems to be not much time.
i think that the possibility of everyone having an outing together is rather low,
especially with the sec 4s busy with their O levels,
committee wise, the working ones will probably be busy. then Poh Wei will have A levels, Ai Suan Sok Ting will start school and have exams. i myself will have exams too. Jia Hong Kah Meng will be in NS.
somehow, come to think of it, ANCO might just end there and then on 13th June.
or just maybe one last meeting.
thinking of it like that, i feel like crying right now.
it's just, kinda really sad.
though some of us may not be very close,
we may not have a lot to talk about,
but the first time as a committee member, going through the process from start to end,
it's an experience.
really hope that the bond will continue,
we can be friends, not just acquaintances.
i hope that we will see one another more during zone stuff.
i hope that we can take photos together during ZPN and other zone activities.
i hope that we would randomly ask one another out for dinner or outings.
i hope that we can bond and go for outings often, similar to what last year's committee had.
i hope to see this year Sec 4s become Officers or adult members who'd come back after they graduated.
but, sad to say, this is only what i hope for,
it's the ideal.
real life doesn't work that way.
天下无不散之筵席.
but there's just one thing i really hope for,
that when we see each other on the street,
we would go "eh hi"
and maybe have quite alot of things to talk about.

actually, i wondered why i suddenly thought of all these.
this doesn't only apply to ANCO 2010 though.
hahas,
maybe it's my PMS~
or maybe the song that i keep repeating right now.
Sunao ni Narenakute by Sayuri Sugawara.
rough translation means "it's hard to say i love you"
but my idea of this phrase is more like "it's hard to be honest about how you feel"
it's just like everyone of us here.
it's hard to be honest.
we hide our feelings with smiles, laughter, jokes, etc.
but one weird thing is,
all these things used to mask our real feelings,
seemingly would make everyone feel better,
feel less sad about sth when sth sad occurs.
that kinda thing.
haha.
maybe, afterall, i won't cry.
actually no use saying so much now.
will i cry or not, depends on that day itself.
but hopefully, i can leave something for my first born platoon to remember.
both physcially and in the form of something they learned.
i really want to do that for them.
because they are my first born.
just like how intake 07 is my first born batch of NCOs whom i worked with as an officer.
the kinda feeling to leave something for them is that great.
haha.

okay, nuff said.
good thing that nobody visits my blog.
thus i can freely and safely write down all these feelings,
yet continue smiling on.
=)

JA~

2010-05-28T20:53:00.002+08:00

Cute lil kids!

Platoon 4 Section 7's cute little kid!
she looks like a baby and she's damn cute~~~
she's cuter when she speaks chinese. haha~ she's gonna kill me for saying that~
but she's really cute i think i would pinch her cheeks one day~~
kekeke. she's just super cute like a lil baby! xD

Mu tou~~~ LOL
he damn cute also~~~
like gin na~~
those who will grab tomato sauce and squeeze on table de cheeky gin na~
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

hmmm, hopefully this year's ANCO will be a relatively smooth and okay one.
worried for the mini lil kids.
they really very dead dead one.
haix...
just hope things will work,
and i can see my first born platoon pass out as capable NCOs,
who can become pillars to their corps.
i think in the coming 2 weeks i wun get to see them,
unless their meeting is held in the evening.
during this 2 weeks i need to kick out my friendly behaviour.
no more smile when unnecessary.
just like in ATC this year.
then at the end of it all,
through all the experiences they will have as a platoon,
they will pass out as friends who will work together,
for the future of Zone 10.
i hope that this year's ANCO will be a memorable and irreplacable experience for them,
like how OTC was one hell of an experience for me.
this is my one aim for ANCO.
=)

2010-05-27T20:46:00.002+08:00

what do you fucking want?

are we just simply not allowed to have any entertainment or any friends or do something that we want to do?
i give you a comp, teach you all the stupid things, you CONFIRM will do the same as what we are doing now, so you shut up.
just cox you're my dad, i respect you,
alot of things i wanted to say in your fucking face i swallowed it down.
you always want things your way,
you spare a thot for us, yes,
but you got think from our point of view not?
SJ is not a burden or a CCA.
yes you will think that's stupid.
but trust me, without SJ, your daughters would've become bitches and idiots who dun know how to care for other people.
why are you so fucking selfish?
and you're not working now,
why are you bloody stressing youself?
you're my mum, yes, i should help you,
but why is it that doing housework will make you think we're treating you as maid or sth?
yes we are wrong for not helping,
but can you like stop complaining?
i dunno.
maybe if this continues,
i dunno what i'll do.
this is the fucking family i love, the one that i thot was my pillar.
apparently not.
why am i always in the wrong. just freaking why?
maybe my time in this world is up, i should just go and die.
at least at that point of time, you will be sad,
at that point of time, you cry for a few days,
you will get over it and move on,
then maybe this family will seem happier.

2010-05-26T22:33:00.003+08:00

human character is where i place my faith in.

after thinking through,
i came to the conclusion that we can only look forward.
if anyone wants to pinpoint things and state who's responsibility it is,
let's do that after the comp.
i can sit down and listen to your piece on that subject after the comp.
right now, i am looking forward.
we are constantly walking and, no, there's no way you can turn around and run back to where time was.
so for now, i can and will only do what i can do.
i won't skip lessons or do anything stupid just so i can go down to training.
i will simply find every single ounce of my free time to go to your trainings,
train with you all as much as i can,
help you all as much as i can,
then see what will happen on 6th June.
and those who's been missing training,
or prefer to do something else other than training,
i've already done the necessary talk to people i should talk to,
i believe and have faith in your charcter,
in you as a person,
in you all as people,
as a human being whom i've seen, worked with for the past 4 years,
that problems will be resolved,
things can get done.
it is in your nature and character that i place my trust in.
because other than that, there's nothing else stronger that i can find,
to place my trust in, and for you to gain strength from the faith and trust.
the safest place i can place this strength, which is the only thing we have left,
is in your character, and in mine.
i believe in you, and actions speaks louder than words.
all of us, let's do something.
whatever the results may be, that will only be known when the time comes.
what matters most is what we're gonna do now.
and we shall do it. and talk no more.
cox actions speaks louder than words.
in all of your characters, i found strength.
=)