Management of expectations

Hi, here's a 22 year old Ting Xin.
Been soooooooo long since i last blogged. Very very random.
Sometimes blogging feels like talking to the me in the future.
Think i should start doing it more often.

Well, what made me want to blog today after a very long time is well, i think i need to remind the future me to manage my expectations.

Not that i can mention anything explicit, but vaguely, i learned a lot about management of expectations today. Which inspired me in both work and personal life.

Well. It is a work issue. Incident, issue, problem. whatever. Something happened.
And well, though things happened not without a reason, the fair and square and OCD person in me just simply can't take it lying down.

I do understand that there are circumstances. There are reasons, there is logic. And a whole ton of other things. That all of it should be acceptable and that i should understand. 

But this fragment of myself just simply cannot. 

Then it dawned on me. I need to learn how to manage my expectations. 

Well, life is not fair. Actually, Ms Ng, my Primary 5 & 6 form teacher has taught me well. She has already taught the 11~12 year old me that life isn't fair. Not at all. That "Nothing is fair in this world. If you want something to be fair, first cut your fingers"
That says a lot, doesn't it?

So i guess, it is more of me being the fairest i can be and at the same time, i need to understand that unfairness simply happens. That it is a norm. That everyone's doing it even if you maintain your righteous fair square whatever self.

It is still very hard for me to take it lying down but i really really have to suck it up and live with it. Lesson learned though, will be that nobody should be trusted. No matter what. And dun have faith in anyone because everything will simply wound up as a disappointment.


In personal life as well. I really shouldn't expect that much.
Even if i am in your life for so long, even if i prioritise you, even if i always make time for you, even if i consistently regularly arrange to meet you around once per week, even if i dun hang out with other ppl but still keep hanging out with you, that doesn't mean that all of that effort is gonna get reciprocated. It just simply wouldn't. That you would go on to meet the girl of your dreams and you will end up having the ideal family you want and i will always just simply be by your side. Like a sidekick. Like this super friendzoned girl in your life who is your ohana and will simply become your family friend.

I am not angry with you. I am simply sad that we are so 有缘无份, 情深缘浅.
That probably my character doesn't matches yours all that well, that you will never be mine. That all those crazy daydreams and random thoughts i have will never ever ever come true. That this wun ever be a story with a happy ending. That we are always gonna be status quo.

But at the same time, i am truly really very grateful to have you in my life. Someone i can completely trust with all my heart. Who makes me feel that i am of some sort of importance simply because you choose to also make the time to meet me and hang out.

Well. life goes on. Both in work and personal. I only need to adjust myself and learn how to manage my expectations. Or rather, learn how to not expect at all.

JAA~~

乱

Been so long since i last posted anything.
Actually i didn't want to add anything negative to this space anymore.
Wanted to blog about 2013 at the end of the year instead.
But as expected, this remains my one last space for venting all my unhappiness and frustrations.
2013 was one heck of a year.
Well i'd go into that in another post, another time, if i manage to get down to posted that 2013 post i would wanna post at the end of this year.
This is about something else entirely.

Well, to be honest, i never liked the way you behaved. The super ah lian kind. The immaturity.
Then you became all alone because your friend left the job. You looked for me and say you feel left out of my circle of friends. For some time we were good friends and such. Then came JW and you went all twinnie with her. Well i dun mind all of that. because i havent 交心 with you or whatsoever. neither am i someone into the duo duo shit. since you just threw me away, i felt no obligation for me to stick to you like old gum. i dun see the need for myself to be treated that way. i dun need you. And knowing that you ditch JW for those Suntec Staff and later KN subsequently really made me incapable of looking at you as a friend.

Then the borrowing of money. i really really didn't like that. because i am confident i will never get the money back from you. well i was skeptical. i thot you would return. turns out you didn't. Yes call me a bitch for saying all of this, but that was when i build my guard against you. and never did talk much about anything that i cant tell someone else to you. Moreover, when you didn't return, you could jolly well dye and cut your hair, you can go on trips, celebrate people's birthdays, eat fast food everyday and all, while i was reduced to a messy heap having to loan money from my friends and family.

Then you told me about your ex records and all. that made me realise that you are really dishonest. your taking of MC so that you can meet your boyfriend or your crushes, your omission of your records from the job application. Yes i do know that you will spoil your chances if you included it inside the application but not declaring is really.... i just felt that i am not someone who can live with such a possibly-get-exposed thing.

And how you are forever so fucking annoying with the way you talk about your crushes and boyfriend. What's up with"i am very afraid to lose someone once they say they like me". What kinda rubbish is that? you dun like that person back, it's simply it. just cox ppl say they like you means you are in love and all heads over heels with them? utter nonsense. Then also, if he is your fucking boyfriend, shouldnt you know something about him and have some idea about what you can get for him for you whatever monthsary etc. what's up with you constantly asking me for ideas? goes to show how much you "LOVE" him.

then your annoying requests. i haven't had an off day on weekends or saturdays for so freaking long. and you just have to "can you please change with me, HMMMMS" and your annoying "HMMMMS, when is your off day?" "can change shift with me or not" etc etc. SINCE WHEN DID YOU HELP ME WHEN I NEED OFF DAYS? NEVER. GO COUNT HOW MANY TIMES YOU MADE ME CHANGE SHIFTS WITH YOU. so fucking selfish. request everyday morning for half a month. if i can i would also wanna work morning shift everyday too. then i have some kinda life. who wouldnt want that.

And thats not all, what i really hate about you is how you are so fucking annoying. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO WHINE AND COMPLAIN ABOUT EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING? can't you just speak normally? yes i complain myself too. but can you dun do it ever so often, and in such a fucking annoying tone? i can't take that. and i also hate your dragging of feet, you drifting around so slackingly. i hate it that i am working myself, so much so that i sweat and all that shit, and you go around getting all the credit. i am competitive bitch. i work my hardest and i hate to see it become second fiddle to slack shit like you.

speaking of tone, what a best CS staff you are. the greetings and all that shit, it originated from JW. i started greeting and all because of JW. and there you go and take all that credit. i dun see how your greetings is like what SSK say, what best in the whole store. maybe i am not better than you, but you are definitely not the best. 1000% NOT/

and i dare you to say you never bootlick. so freaking obvious still denying huh. your bootlicking is only second to the ex suntec asm. attracting butterflies of all the managers, arent you? fluttering around them like some bee around a flower. and this time round you are so damn lucky that i said something wrong to the wrong person, that you got to know and 大做文章 on facebook. posting so much so much. so people talking behind your back will cause you to have decayed brain or something? you have post it AT EVERY FUCKING OUTLET. 

i know what you are doing, you 先声夺人，恶人先告状，because you know how to divert attention. once you post something so big on such a public place, you will get yourself victimised, and then when anything goes on, people look more on WHO DID THAT  rather than WHAT HAPPENED. so smart of you, come i clap for you.

well i am not gonna fall for your despicable shit. i will endure all this shit. or maybe i dun even need to endure at all, all i have to do is silently accept whatever that comes, then 问心无愧，百词莫辨。 i will not explain anything. yes i am at the losing end this time round. i may well get my career in this place destroyed for all i know, but i shall keep you from the knowledge of who did this. i am not the only one. i talked about it with people. i will NEVER EVER EVER tell you who. i want you to suffer without knowing who these people are. you will never know who dislike your behaviour, who talked about you. you wun ever know who dislike you on your own. even if i am made to resign i will never let you know. this is my silent revenge on you. i am horrible like that. because i hate you. i hate you for blowing up such a small matter, INTENTIONALLY. and what you do will come back to you, worry not. because things you did elsewhere to someone else is already known to some. 

and well, as much as i have so much info of you that i can spare, i shall not use it against you. because i am not despicable low-life like you. i dun need to stoop down to your level to do such despicable things. 

actually i maintain my silence and took all the blame mainly because there are people i wanna keep outta trouble of. i can foresee and expect many of them taking me for granted or even turning against me and bullying me. if they do karma will come to them, like it will also do to you. if i were to suffer all these, i will do it. because karma will always repay those who did badly to them. i dunno about good but bad ones always do come back.

and to be honest, i actually hate myself for being so disgusting and negative and bitchy and horrible, i always believed in treating others good. or at least try to, but i just have this disgusting explosion of my negativity that i cannot contain. because i hate. i really really hate you. so so so so so much now. i will get my karma one day for all that i am feeling now. for all the hate, for all the horrible things and all that i did or will do etc. and i totally deserve this. but i just hope karma will be fair, unlike many higher-ups that may not be.

maybe just maybe, i would have been better off gone from this place when my anchors were all gone. but it's okay. i will stay here at least till bonus, and perhaps if ever things can even get better or something.

and for now, i can only tell myself to keep in mind the 签 that i got when i asked about my career the other time.

鸞鳳翔毛雨淋漓
當時卻被雀兒欺
驚教一日雲開遠
依舊還君整羽衣


i will get my just 报应, but maybe you will also. 

remembering unpleasant thoughts

Feeling totally 心痛 right now for jie.
The only positive thing is that for them it was more of a right person at the wrong time thing.
Then again this may also be a double edged sword that cause them more pain.
Feel really wasted for them.
But i guess in a way, this will make them become stronger and grow further from there.
I really do hope that, if they were meant to be, let them grow and learn and mature, and let them come together again in the future.
Somehow i just felt like for them, it's like an author's unfinished book.
An uncompleted story.
But at the very least, they will still stay close friends just like before.
I just really hope they opened up their hearts to each other and know full well how the other felt and thought.
If they didn't, it would be too similar.


Then again, they brought me back to thinking about what happened.
While i know myself enough now to understand that what happened was merely something like a mirage and that i didn't even feel as much "like" for 3ya as i thought i did, i somehow do doubt myself.
Maybe it's because i feel like a child who was given up on without knowing what mistake i made.
It felt like 3ya was a teacher who was exasperated enough to give up and didn't even bother enlightening me what went wrong.
And leehom's 你不知道的事 ever got me thinking whether 3ya did it all for a reason.
Or i made too many assumptions about too many things that things turned out this way.
But after so much all these months, coming to terms with it and stop thinking is the best way out.
It is pretty much very obvious that it was all not meant to be.
And it wasn't like it was love. Maybe it didn't even felt like like. HAHA.
Overcoming things really makes ppl stronger, inside out.


Fell in love with this particular song by Kelly Clarkson.
Very motivational and all.
The dance is kinda silly though. But nice and simple song.



"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, Stand a little taller"

and i am left thinking.

Am a little tired from all the translating for the fan community.
So here i am, trying to blog several days' worth of fatigue away.
Yes, several days' worth of fatigue.
A day in my life doesn't consist of much things, but i have no idea whey i feel tired.
Must be the optimism slipping away from me.

Had fun playing tennis today with OT5.
Kinda wasted that Esther's not there.
During the tennis, notifications came on my phone.
And a particular fb msg totally left me "zzzzzz"

As usual, ask before doing anything.
Asked. what i received were pretty 置身事外 answers.
Didn't feel too good about it.
Yes, small matter but i'm pretty sure it will affect certain operations and the way things are done.
And yet while i know those response were pretty much harmless humour or something along that line, it made me feel a little upset.
Not frustrated-angry-explosive kinda upset.
Just ebbing pain and feeling abandoned.
And i wonder why is it that such things always happen to me.
Why am i always contact point for such shit.
Why did that fb msg have to come to me.
Really feel like running away there and then.
All these isn't a show of "we are capable and we don't need you"
It's just more of, hey, we take ownership over here and we can't have 2 or 3 systems of teaching going on at the same time.
Everyone will get confused if that happens.
Well, maybe it will benefit us to have people like that come over and teach.
But i rather we try and we fall and we learn all as one. Together.
2012 didn't go well with much interference from a certain concerned trainer.
I honestly don't want 2013 to be a repeat.
To go through sticky situation once is bad enough.
To let that happen with us again once more is a failure.
Failure on my part as an Officer, as a senior and as a trainer.
But the response i receive just now seems to make me feel that i am alone on that.
Let's just see how it goes.

And while on that topic, 
It just frustrates me that so much emphasis is placed on the competition.
2012 is not a good year for us.
Competitions Competitions Competitions.
We compete but none of them juniors are competent.
And their failure reflects our failure.
Yes we cannot afford to lose time.
But what we are losing is far greater than time.
And then we get frustrated over why them juniors are like that.
Why during the camp in June we can't even name 1 person from us to be commended.
Exactly because we no longer have any development.
The juniors don't grow, don't learn.
They don't get attached to SJ on a corps spirit level anymore.
And not to mention how ridiculous it was that a contingent's worth of boots had to be polished by people who come back.
Honestly, never before in History.
Do we have to go that direction in making history in this place of ours?
I really think it's time to stop and look at what is important.
We're losing too much in comparison to what we think we are gaining.
The mindset is wrong in a top-down manner.
If mindset was wrong in a bottom-up manner there's still a chance we can change.
If it's top-down, well, it's not gonna be that easy, isn't it?
Really. I find that it's time to sit down and talk about it.
We want to achieve a breakthrough, but that should not be at the expense of losing what is uniquely this corps.
If we lose that and eventually lose future generations of leaders, 
Please, stop calling ourselves dragon saints.
Because we already lost ourselves and the corps spirit in an attempt to achieve some worthless metal in the form of trophies.
Glory vs Corps Spirit.
I may be wrong. But to me, that Spirit itself matters so much more than empty glory and achievement.
That corps spirit was imbedded in so many batches of juniors, 
That corps spirit brought about extraordinary people who were unanimously recognised by officers from other zones in their OTC as exemplary and outstanding.
Those people i am extremely proud of. That proved how great they are. 
When I left myself out of voting. When i argued against them instead of for them because of the smallest mistake, they received support from outsiders on how good they are.
No more of such juniors if things go on the way they are now.
No more of such juniors that can make anyone and everyone proud of them.

It's disheartening to feel the way i am feeling now.
barely 3 years ago, i told myself and everyone, until i no longer have time for it, i will be in SJ.
Looking at 3 years later from now, i'm not too sure i want to stay in a corps that is just like any corps.
With people who treat it JUST AS A CCA.
It wouldn't be worth it to stay anymore.
The pain wouldn't be worth it anymore.
Because that spirit is gone. That culture is gone. The very essence of what made it endearing and worth doing anything for is gone.

We've become stronger, better, more glorious, at the same time, we've become disunited, weaker, more undignified and worthless.
We've even lost ourselves along the way.
How pathetic.

Frustrated

Honestly speaking, wouldn't be here to add another unhappy post to my blog if i could help it.
Anywhere else is all too open and annoying.
Really, someone out there is out to drive me crazy.
I hate how in the end an extra pair of hands, instead of helping out, ends up creating more jobs for everyone.
How the heck am i supposed to place trust like that?
And not only that, the fluctuations of that person's mood and behaviour really gets on my nerves.
Then again as a human being, i cannot bring myself to cut everything once and for all.
I wonder if there will come a day when i just snap and hurt that person all the same.
This is driving me crazy... like seriously.
I just hope the snapping day comes after the ATC this year.
Sigh~~

Family

Sigh, why does it always seem like i post unhappy stuff?
Oh wells. Ah ma is hospitalised again. Since 25th july.
She's been a little confused and stuff due to alot of complications.
Today's the 3rd consecutive night i am spending with her at TTSH.
I miss my bed. Am really tired. It feels like some kinda SJ camp. My eyeballs are threatening to burst alr. LOLs.
But here i am, blogging cox i wanna keep this moment.

Ah ma's finally sleeping well tonight, snoring peacefully next to me.
Since ytd, i've been feeling this pettiness.
Been PMSing that nobody thinks for me,whether i am fine etc.
Maybe that's the effect from sleeping only about 30 mins proper for the past 2 nights.
With my back aching and all, the devil in me kept whining.
"jie only cares about herself", "nobody bothers about my well-being" etc etc
All those kinda bullshit stuff.
But i suddenly *click* and sorta have some kinda positive thinking just now.
Okay erm, jie came with me today but left not too long ago. Was feeling the pettiness but the positive thinking kicked in and i am glad it did.
I'm thinkingPerhaps it was triggered by the small gentle gestures daddy made today. He was being extra nice to me cox he knows i'm pretty much worn.

Anyways about the positive thinking part, i was telling jie that yes i am pissed that she kinda chickened out. And that i was thinking that both mummy and her are being assholes who cares only about themselves and left me here being worned out by no sleep for 3 nights.
Then i decided to finally reply jie and then i realised, and also told her, that yes i am pissed, i tweeted cox i wanna relief that negative feelings but i dun want to tell you cox it made sense for things to happen this way.
In this situation now, well, i was telling jie that all these overnights is gonna be between her and me. Cox only female caregiver allowed to stay, plus cant expect mummy or all our aunts to stay over. They themselves are old alr.
So like in this situation, there's no choice other than to keep tapping on me.
Cox jie's a nurse. She cannot afford to be unfocused at work.
Whereas me, on the other hand, just ended my work stint and is waiting for another job.
So i was the only and best choice left.
And i didnt want to create unhappiness that's why i didnt say out all my petty unhappiness.
That made me think that perhaps i have matured and really have my positive thinking set into place alr.
To think that the night before, i was about to pick a fight over the same matter.

Anyways i do know that i sound damn random, but i want this positive thinking to be recorded down. So that i will let it become a part of my character next time.
Then i wun pick stupid petty fights with jie again.

Kay sudden end. Haha.
JA~

School Creed

This is our school
Let peace dwell here
Let there be contentment
Let love abide here
Love of one another
Love of mankind
Love of life itself
And love of god
Let us remember
That as many hands build a house
So many hearts make a school


somehow i really miss being a student.
uniform, homework, CCA, eating in class, recess and all that shit.
Damn i'm old already. :/