sunshine

sunshine, a word i wouldn't use to describe anyone else other than 3ya. because you will always be my sunshine. dun ask me why. i've actually realised that i let go already. that i am clearly aware and know and feel that i dun have romantic feelings for 3ya anymore. maybe i'm looking forward, straight ahead. i am now just glad my bittersweet first love was 3ya. anything else doesn't matter anymore. i understood many things today. it just suddenly popped in my brain. too much to blog now. will blog during CNY. but you'll always be my great big sunshine, one and only. i feel this infinite amount of positivity and drive after understanding. and here i am, that wee bit of anticipation for meanie1%'s sms. lols. what am i doing? what am i thinking? seriously. lololol.

Meanie

Still haven't brace myself to blog down about 3ya.
Probably needs more time, but i find myself becoming happier.
Probably, i let go of feelings alr.
What's left is just forever worried, concerned and such.
Not because he was my first love, but probably more of the fact that he plays more than a role in many parts of my life.
It's hard to just heck care and forget about someone like that.
Or rather, he is someone i never want to forget about.
Someone i would never forget about.
Someone who's always gonna be my friend, always a great presence in my life.
Realised there's a meanie in my life right now.
This word, used it on 3ya before.
Haha. Meanie is a word just like twinnie.
But would meanie become like my twinnie as well? Perhaps.
But i am caught between the friendship and that 1% of feel-good feeling.
But the feel-good feeling only stays at smiling at my phone.
Haha..so not so much ba. Not right now. Not meanie la.
Especially when i dun even understand meanie.
But meanie is a great friend.
Just that i keep feeling this invisible awkward vibe as friends.
Haha. It's probably not just me lo.
There's this awkward weirdness.
So weewee, dun get your hopes high. Heh! :P
Well.
That's all for now.
Back to work.
JA~

Looking back on my 2011, i realised it was really an amazing year.
so much happened in the course of one year,
i forgot i am just a 19-year-old kid.
that's pretty amusing.
i'm not too sure where to start off actually.
shall do it in bits and pieces.
sorry if it's very all over the place.
that seems to be just how i am, right? hahas~

OTC
fulfilled one of those wishes i once had, to be an OTC instructor.
to be honest, i felt that i did a really terrible job there.
i wouldn't want to be an OTC instructor again until i feel i've grown and improved.
for Tango, i felt that i was never really there for them,
i didn't understand and know them as a group, much less as individuals.
compared to what i did with P4'10, i really did a lousy job for Tango.
I'm sorry.
as for the experience as a whole, it was enriching.
it showed me many flaws i have in me, how i wasn't ready to be an OTC instructor at all.
not there yet, really have to level up alot more.
on the other hand, i was really glad to get to know the group of instructors and trainees from this year's OTC.
all of them are really nice people.
from OTC itself, i also got to know the 3 siaoginnas better.
thought i knew them quite a bit, but i got to know them even more over here.
and feels really touching to see them all grown up.
the feeling i have when i saw them pass out from OTC, totally not what words can describe.
really proud. their best trainee awards were bonuses.
really felt that they made the corps' name felt in HQ level,
that they demonstrated to everyone through their actions, what is tip top quality.
they really earned what they got.
to be honest, i went to the extent of voting against them,
but eventually all instructors felt that they were good.
which makes me even prouder of them.
i will be back to serve OTC, when i improved myself, when i think i am good enough to be an OTC instructor.

ANCO
this is one of the most horrible experiences i had with ANCO.
i've never hated ANCO this much. really.
why, i supposed i don't want to elaborate. too explicit.
have told close group of fellow officers what happened before,
therefore vented out already, i supposed.
wouldn't deny that i really did a very lousy job,
but i believe i was not the only one at fault, and many things weren't even my fault to begin with, so the horrid-ness doesn't only stem from me.
the only thing i am glad about this ANCO is during campfire.
thought my brain was already not working by then,
i only remembered walking around aimlessly, as always,
and complaining about the whole ANCO to you, and you telling me why you're not in this year's ANCO, and all the politics stuff going on.
that was by far, the best part of ANCO.
and probably the lead up to our 110811 ba.

Poly Life
many things happened in 2011.
my results went from bad to worst.
and i really have inter-personal relationship problems i guess.
because i destroyed 3 years of friendship just like that.
i dunno why either.
but i really believe this part is totally and entirely my fault.
i feel stupid, i feel horrible, i feel like banging my head against the wall so much.
but then again, what's done cannot be undone.
and i truly deserve everything.

all done with the academic semesters already,
already 70% through to attachment right now.
attachment has been a nightmare right at the start.
there wasn't a day i didn't get into trouble,
on top of being not punctual everyday,
always felt extremely guilty everyday,
then one day, manager told me i can't afford to be late,
then i adjusted my sleeping patterns,
i am now punctual most of the time.
though would still be late sometimes, but at least not so horrible,
ironically, things picked up since we had problems,
sad to say.
but things are not too bad right now, sometimes it's a breeze.
actually i did ever wonder if i should continue working there.
but no, i thing it's not my kind of a job.
i should start applying for NIE soon.
then apply for relief teaching sessions.
maybe extend like a couple of months with the company, until the relief teaching things finalise ba.
but not a long term goal.
maybe i would even work only until the next intern comes in.
who knows, see how things goes.
but i really kinda like the company culture and environment.
just that i dun like the way some people work there.
so not a long term plan to stay there for long periods.

Family
many things happened this year.
ah ma fell down earlier this year, hit her head.
scared the hell outta me, really,
then i felt first-hand, the fear, of losing ah ma.
i realised that ah ma is already old.
thankfully ah ma recovered after about a week of hospitalisation.
then went home and is happily healthy once again.
then sadly, yeye fell in the toilet in July~August.
ah ma and daddy speculated that yeye wanted to commit suicide
because he was worried about his urinary tract problem.
yeye got hospitalised as well, for a few days only.
a long enduring battle of persuading him to go for the minor surgery for his urinary tract follows his discharge.
and he eventually went for it in Sep~Oct.
now he's happy and healthy and gained back the weight from before.
then ah ma was hospitalised again in Oct due to low potassium.
another scare, somemore during worktime.
thankfully, after 3 days of IV drips, she recovered.
mummy had a breakdown a day before my exams in august.
woke up to her arguing with daddy early in the morning.
she had relapses of her depression since june,
sometimes i feel really frustrated with mummy.
sometimes i just feel angry that she succumb to her depression so easily.
but then again, perhaps she just can't help it.
it was a horrible period leading up to my exams.
she was warded by request into a specialised day care ward for depression patients.
it was a torturous day, really.
if it wasn't for you, well, i doubt i would have gotten through that day.
that day, you really showed me that i can depend on you when i cannot take it.

Corps
this year, i felt the effect of having everyone back.
totally different from 2009 and first half of 2010.
feels so great to have people around me, serving the corps together.
problems lies in the same area as before, the _ _ _s la, huh.
but this year there were many things done,
many things changed, many things improved.
overall i think the corps leaped forward, especially in terms of morale.
we now have what we ourselves call NTP.
really love NTP's working style.
scold, argue, unhappy, leave at meeting table,
during play, we are just a bunch of friends hanging out, having fun.
grudges dun stay there for long,
just like how siblings work, eh? haha~
really love the NTP relationship.
though, as always, i feel really detached, from the corps and NTP.
because of my low involvement.
sometimes it's really just because i no time, no money, lazy etc, that i dun get involved in the outside of corps stuff.
but the corps stuff, well, blame it on both no time and lazy ba.
i will work harder in the coming year!! :D

Zone
this place, i can't really say too much,
but actually, it feels different already.
much different from the place i know just 2 years ago.
is it cause the people are not there anymore?
or is it because the environment changed too rapidly?
or even just that i learned more and more about this place,
and the more i know, the more different it appears to me?
i'm not too sure either.
but i hope it doesn't continue changing.
it's becoming 面目全非 already, if this keeps up.
things i used to love, i am starting to dislike.
the only thing keeping me there is the people.
and the fact that i believe things can get better, if something is done.

ZGD
ahhh, this particular zone event,
i was the chairman for this event.
a recreational event, nothing major,
but i think, because of the people in the comm,
we managed to come up with a very non-typical ZGD.
it's a Zone Sports Day altogether!
though not the super high standards kind,
we dun even have proper courts or props or anything,
but the turnout was wayyyyyyy better than we thought.
and the participants enjoyed it alot alot alot more.
many many screw ups,
but i think this is the best non-corps SJ event that i was in.
ah, other than ZPN actually.
but generally glad that everyone enjoyed, didn't fail to a certain extent.
yeaps~

ZAP
this year's non-typical zone presentation.
was the emcee for this event.
think i actually created a lot more problems for this committee than help.
feels guilty about it.
but happy that i was part of the event.
learned many things from it as usual.
and our chairman is a great chairman! haha~
yes, had fun working together with the committee.
all great people.
and it's the first time i even bothered to dress up for anything at all.
though as usual, quite fail la huh, looks so cui.
but then lol, i will try harder next time with the help of stylist tay and stylist poh.
hahaha!
and through this i realise, many people are kinda worried and jin zhang over me and how i look.
or rather, people take interest when i try to dress up.
haha! i bet cheryl, aisuan and huiying will feel proud one day if they managed to turn me into a decent looking girl wearing a dress or sth.
hehe~ :P

FAC
this year's FAC is, frustrating. seriously.
we had the best results ever in GESS FAC history.
we won in categories with the heaviest weightage, yet we lost the overall.
not in one, but two categories.
really really frustrating.
yet at the same time, proud of the kids.
goes to show how hard they worked when we were not around,
shows how much they want to win,
they want to be the best and win,
as badly as we want to.
their hearts are really at the correct place,
with the corps.
because they know the glory does not only belong to them,
the have a greater purpose.
their professionalism and commitment is worthy of respect.
let's do better this year, we will hit jackpot.
it's our, dragon, year afterall, right? (:

that's so far for the more general parts of my 2011.
there are still important people i want to talk about, but not in this post.
hoping that 2012 will be a greater year ahead.
not another roller coaster ride.
JA~

it rained tonight.

i ever promised myself never to cry for skyblue again.
but tonight, it rained.
it was just too painful.
it cut too deep into me, into my heart.
it hurts alot, it hurt my feelings.
suddenly i felt that i was being a nuisance to you.
i have been pretending to be close to you, when you dun even care about our friendship.
not at all. not even one bit.
because if you bothered, you cared,
you won't just say "just cannot talk, dunno why"
it goes to show how much you dun bother about everything huh?
i was wrong. i saw you wrongly. i thought of the situation wrongly.
it's really painful, i really can't take it.
what the hell am i to you, friend. or rather, twinnie?
so all along, my negative thoughts were right.
and because this came at such a timing, i have to face this all alone.
what a joke i am.

insomnia?

i can't sleep.
right now, it's so late alr.
i dun feel like sleeping?
i'm not tired yet?
or i just can't sleep?
i dunno either.
been regretting the whole of today.
for not getting up when my alarm rang at 6.30.
if i got up, bathe, went to school, i would have enjoyed the trip to the army camp.
and i would have been home by 1+
and would have had the time to finish up all my projects and school work and minutes and whatever rubbish that i had to finish by today.
instead, i chose to sleep, then didn't wake up until 8+ when someone called me,
and then i had to tell them i am sick(honestly i was sick, but not enough for me to be absent. i suck, really i do)
and then i continued sleeping till around 1pm.
then i finally got to waking up and brushing my teeth etc,
and head out of house at 2.30pm to see a doctor at the polyclinic.
wasting money when i dun have enough to get by,
wasting time till 3+.
reaching home at around 4+
and i slacked, rested, whatever.
in the end i got nothing done.
i am wide awake now, probably also due to the fact that i slept too much in the morning.
i really got nothing done today. not one piece of homework or SJ stuff that i am supposed to do.
how lousy a person can i be? extremely.
i hope this doesn't carry on.
and i'm missing alot of things, wallowing in self-pity again.
i feel like dousing myself in ice cold water so that i will wake up my idea.
i have alot of drive, alot of potential.
yet it all stays as that, drive and potential.
it never got down to becoming completion of tasks and carrying out of actions.
never.
can i like just restart the past 3 years of my life? i can't.

and i wonder, how much can i miss you.
how much did i like you.
did i like you so much to still be missing you and thinking about you,
when we aren't even on talking terms?
sometimes i wonder, is it me not taking the initiative to talk to you,
or you just dun talk to me when you dun need anything from me?
like i dun have any 利用价值, you wun bother talking to me?
i dunno.
but i only know that even if that's the case,
it might just be extremely hard for me to bring myself to hate you.

ending off today's post in a really bad mood.
not anger. more of the “细水长流” kinda of unhappy mood.
JA~

the infinite blue sky

i wonder if it's me or anything.
i always like to live in my own little imagination.
ytd was a really rare occurence.
i happened to online and 3yearsago talked to me on msn.
it's the first time i talked to him on msn i guess?
yeah i think so.
unexpectedly, the time we spent talking on msn was same as when we used to talk on the phone.
4 hours plus.
sounds weird, i know. hahas, but yeah.
it's a really nice and warm feeling. the friends kinda feeling. :)
and 3yearsago's unexpected "always nice talking to you" at the end, really surprised me.
i stunned for a moment.
cox i didn't expect that you would say sth like that.
你比以前更温柔了. was what i felt at the moment.
i became quite "high" for a moment.
because i really never expected that you actually found it nice talking to me.
i always had the impression that i am disturbing you when i talk to you.
especially since we stopped talking when you started to become busier back in 2007.

i talked to deardear about this today.
deardear told me that actually i matter more to people than i thought.
i wonder how true that is.
but i shouldn't think too much, because i might end up mattering less to people than i thought.
right deardear? :)

because of what happened last night, it made me think and wonder about some matters.
whether or not i actually do feel something for 3yearsago.
on the long bus trip home from school today,
i realised that, hey, i dun think so.
actually, to be honest, i think i am more inclined towards skyblue.
though i thought i dun have feelings for skyblue anymore,
i think, maybe because of the friendship that can never be repaired,
or maybe i still feel something towards skyblue,
everything about skyblue makes me feel affected still.
and i think i talked too much about skyblue to turtle.
somehow i feel that i am spoiling things that may happen between skyblue and turtle.
i dunno either.
it just felt painful looking at a really blue, cloudless sky,
especially when my itouch chose to play certain songs along the way.
i really need to work harder at this.
to 看开点, learn how to move out of this phase.
i should stop forming any attachment towards skyblue.
there shouldn't be any form of emotional reliance towards skyblue anymore.
i wonder when will the day come that i move out of this stage of myself.
actually, i just really want the friendship back.

well,
as for 3yearsago, i think that, he can become a really good role model for me.
someone i can learn from. and someone i can talk to. someone who will look for me to talk to when he needs to.
a HTHT friend, just like unnie, deardear, erzi they all.
it feels great to be talking to an old friend like that,
it's as though i found someone whom i've lost touch with for a very long time.
after living in parallel lines for 4 years, this is the first time we talk.
i hope we can continue talking as friends like that.
we will, will we, 英明领导者阿公？ hahas. :)

that's all for today.
i think i sound very emo.
am i?
JA~

hisashiburi

hmmm, i can't believe it's been a few months since i last posted anything here.
to the extend that Sokting asked me why i didn't update my blog.
found a new ranting ground to vent all my emotions to.
maybe this link is a little more public than i thought it is?
hahas~

it has been an eventful half a year since the beginning of 2011.
participated in some stuff, met some new people, made some friends, might have lost some along the way(i do hope i didn't but i think i did? :x)
getting more and more lethargic by the day.

it's psychological, not physical, this feeling of tiredness.
i do sleep you see, actually, speaking of sleep,
i haven't been able to sleep as well as i did last time.
in fear of oversleep-ing(which is a very common occurence since the start of this year)
in deep thoughts of many things.
right now, if i were to draw a diagram of my brain, i might need an entire mahjong paper.
there are many things on my mind right now.
things like post-poly life, internship, deadlines of schoolwork to meet(and as usual, all the backlogs), tests, deadlines of SJ-stuff to meet, financial stuff(wondering where i spent my money), friendship, family, twinnie, 3yearsago, life, alot alot alot.

i've been wondering, have i lived life the way i want it to be?
well, i can say that life has been slightly more eventful than before.
participating in meetups, meals, get-togethers have made me more social than before?
and it makes me feel closer to the people around me. esp dragonsaints~ :)
i need to get to know the younger ones more though.
they barely feel comfortable talking to me, i think?
i hope things continue the way they are, in a positive manner,
i like this feeling of random meetups.
very "just because" kinda feeling.

when i do clear out all the other things in my life from my brain and do a self-reflection of myself, the way i am etc.
i realised that i am actually loner by choice.
because i dunno how to handle situations where i am alone with someone else(guy or girl, sama sama), things tend to get awkward.
i dunno how to handle and i chose not to face it.
and i chose not to try to strike conversations with people.
it's always others taking the initiative, i realised.
but i guess this has been getting better.
and i just need to be more natural and talk about more relevant stuff.
and learn how to handle ending of conversations.
that'll do, for now, i guess?
i am also a loner because i am kinda weird and abnormal ba~
i am constantly in my comfort zone of doing things alone.
like watching movies alone, going cycling alone, going random window shopping on my own, going on random urban walks on my own, always doing things alone.
i haven't been taking the initiative to meet up with anyone and everyone.
that's why i tend to be alone, because i am used to it and i sort of prefer it.
i know i dun have to change it all, but i know a little bit of change,
being slightly more sociable is the way to go.
and with the help of fantastic people like newtenpeople, kbox family, L02, i guess i can do it.
this part of me is a long term bad habit that i need to change.
i always complain that i am lonely, people dun understand me, dun include me,
but hey, that's cox i chose to do things that way.

so yeah. for now, the big change should be to be more sociable. :)

if i were to write down all my thoughts, i probably will have to forgo sleeping time to do so.
so i shall end here today, and update again, maybe by this week, when i have the time.
leaving this for later keeps my blog alive i guess? hahas~
that's all for now~
till i post again,
JA~