wtf

i seriously dun understand you, jie.
why the hell you would think of moving out.
have you thought about the complications?
how would daddy and mummy feel about it all?
can you like fucking use your brain?
yes i know you are tired, you are drained,
are you the only one?
every single day daddy and mummy has to think of livelihood, the family etc,
and right here you are like saying that nobody understands you,
nobody cares, everyone is blaming you?
who told me about self-pitying?
why are you pitying yourself? you're seriously unreasonable,
fucking unreasonable.
just cox of scoldings, just cox of how stressed you are, just cox of this moment right now,
you are thinking about getting out of this house.
you seriously are not using your brains.
what's gonna happen to your livelihood?
how is everyone in this family gonna feel?
you're so fucking selfish you dun even think of us,
you think it's nice to see family members move out of the house just like that?
how would mummy feel? she would be worrying the whole damn day,
she will eventually relapse one day cox of this.
then dandan leh? how would he feel?
why he sisters left the house?
daddy? he will be affected but not show, then get upset all by himself
then daddy and mummy will both be at least 50, what happens if dandan turn rebellious?
and use your fucking brain and think, how many out there wants to live with their parents but are forced apart? some by life and death some physically.
you get to live with your parents are you are thinking of moving out?
wth man, seriously wth,
it really makes me damn angry when i know you are entertaining that thought,
and to know your reason for thinking of such things makes me even more angry.
seriously, use your brains and think about this matter,
and for the matter, you have brains thanks to daddy and mummy.
i hope you would STOP entertaining such thoughts.
seriously.

too much

from now onwards, i won't ask anything anymore,
since the more i ask, the more irritated all of you get.
i shall now make myself not care so much anymore.
cox i'm too much, ain't i?
and because i am too much,
nobody ever wants to tell me anything anymore.
and since that is the case, fine, so be it,
i should just shut up and not ask questions.
and keep my questions to myself.
i am selfish, i am too much, i asked what people dun wanna talk about.
yeah, that is me, overbearing,
pusing beyond limits, dun even know where i stand,
ask to much till i'm not even on talking terms with my twinnie.
yeah, everything is me alright, i should shut up.
i won't ask anymore. and you wun tell me anything anymore.
and also cox i don't matter anymore.
or rather you don't care anymore.
nobody does anyway.
when i was on the edge of the cliff, none of you realised that,
none of you bothered. yeah, you're busy, that's the case.
maybe i just don't belong.
because of how overbearing and too much i am.
it's always been like that, i am always disliked.
i will still survive and live another day, just that i'm all by myself.
that's all.

thank you!

been long since i last updated.
been lazy, been letting go, been forgetting.
taught many many courses during my holidays.
school finally started. schoolwork, schoollife, going to school everyday.
life's back on a routine.
stuff started piling up,
and then bad things happened.
unhappy things, specifically speaking.
SJ side, frictions between two sides,
wonders how things will go from now on.
hopefully things can be ironed out.
and that things will be better planned and smoother for next year.
and hope to get them to attend ZPN or something like that.
afterall miss hoe is retiring and she's been with the corps for quite long.
speaking of ZPN, i'm now really thankful that i'm not in the committee,
i would definitely break if i'm in.
ZGD. i guessed i've been too slack from the beginning.
though i guess everything's easy to settle now,
as long as i churn out all the documents that were supposed to be settled by the 10 kids,
the event will go on.
but suddenly, well, i know i shouldn't been feeling this way,
but i felt abandoned,
abandoned by the committee that was initially gathered for ZGD.
not their fault though, afterall they will have exams and stuff during ZGD.
but suddenly, like everyone's gone.
and the things that the 10 kids sent me isn't helping at all.
though not to the extent of redoing everything,
i think i need to format every document they send me,
which isn't very little,
but i think i should be able to do it.
finance side,
i dun even know how or where to begin from.
it's kinda frustrating.
and then all the corps,
not everything is in yet.
how how?
think i will have to haunt the corps reps.
if i can tide through this period of time,
i think i will definitely become stronger.
but what if i couldn't?
nah, i think i can, or rather, i dun have any other choices other than to make it happen.
just carry on, push on, hang on
i can overcome it, i will overcome it.

now on to today's title.
i am thankful for many things.
thankful for family time that's rather prominent recently.
it's nice to hang out as a family more frequently.
though all that we do is have meals and stuff,
that's more than enough for me already.
i am also thankful for just a sentence from Siew Huai.
thankful to her for saying "send it to me when you're free"
she's probably the only one who said that to me,
when everyone else is probably asking when am i sending,
why am i not sending yet,
why is it not sent yet,
or even just keeping silent and getting angry on their own.
it's small things like that that makes a difference.
just one sentence makes me feel that i am understood and sayang-ed
it's as good as patting me on my head and telling me it's okay.
thank you Siew Huai! =)
i won't be lazy, i won't feel tired, i won't break under all these,
because i can do it.
that's all for now, till i update again. haha.
JA~

anyounghasaeyo~!

anyounghasaeyo!
been some time since my last update.
haha~
actually nothing much going on in my life right now,
weekdays has been used for staying at home, occasionally teaching dandan homework,
weekends are SJ filled,
with heartsaver and CPR+AED or BCLS.
earn money to save up. LOL~
andand i renewed my plan and got a new phone!
there's no lollipop, so got optimus GT540 instead.
a bit wasted, cox the red lollipop phone is really beautiful~
but my titanium silver optimus looks cool too~
so it's alright~ =D
school is reopening soon, real soon, like 5 more days.
hahaha, back to studying,
will work hard from now onwards,
because i have a GOAL!!!!!!
NIE HERE I COME!!!!!
wheeeheehee~ xD
and i love jang geun suk!!!!!!!!
i've always loved him since his hwang jin yi days.
wheeheeheeheehee~
LOLs~
he's just damn cute,
wahahahha
and jang geun suk and park shin hye belong together!!!!!!
even his mom likes her~ haha
okay i'm getting too fangirlish~
kekeke~
alright, i shall go watch WGM and whatever dramas i feel like watching right now,
before school starts and there won't be time for them~
JA~

drown

right now i'm thankful that i didn't learn how to swim,
cox that way, i can drown myself in my stupidness, my contradicting myself etc.
talking to amanda helped me see things clearly.
december, whatever etc won't ever come.
i don't even need to say, you already know.
all that's left to do is to sort out my own stupid thinking,
deal with whatever that's left in me,
and life goes on.
and to begin with,
i didn't even understand you one bit.
i just kept lying to myself that you are like this, like that, etc.
how stupid can i be.

mission D : failed.

i failed my mission D.
yes, D for disappearing.
me and my excuses,
thought that if you outrightly post that you're sick,
as a friend at least, i should nag or send sth to you.
sometimes i wonder if disappearing is good also.
it works for deardear,
probably because that person feels the same.
you don't even feel the same.
maybe to you, you even thought that finally i'm not disturbing you.
i dunno.
call it emoing, whatever,
i'm not gonna deny,
but what if our friendship just ends here at 2010?
i don't want that.
i think i'm really a fool, an idiot.
to the extend that i actually posted my blog link on my facebook info.
but i guessed you'll never be interested enough to actually see the link.
you don't even see the door that's already opened up.
end of the day, i suck,
even as a friend.
much less as a twinnie, or even someone who likes you.
2010 is a roller coaster ride, seriously.

anyoung

right, i'm kinda emoing? i dunno.
rather than emoing, i think it's another type of unknown feeling.
i can't pinpoint, describe or explain how it feels.

been thinking about random thoughts when i couldn't sleep.
thus i'm here to talk about random stories that would only be precious to me.
i suddenly realised, everytime i have a one-sided feeling kinda thing,
i would go through it and come out with something.
memories aside,
the two threeyearsagos left me with something.

what J left me with was what a gentleman he was.
of course, shameless me told him about my crush on him,
and he responded in an adult and gentle manner,
he brought me back down on earth like a hot air balloon,
slowly, softly, gently.
i cried back then, probably one part of me knew my friendship with him was destroyed by me.
but he let me learned something important,
which is not to tell such things that easily again.
because of the price i have to pay for confessing.

K was a different story altogether,
it took me a long time to figure out that i probably have a crush on him back then,
actually it took me 3 years to realise that fully.
looking back, he was a really really nice senior.
somehow was close to him because i was secretary?
he's weird in a way, but yet at the same time can tell that he really doted on us juniors.
and he's really random in a way, because he randomly intro me to places to eat etc.
and random things we did back then was walking around aimlessly,
my knowledge of places probably widen because of him.
he brought me to places i've never gone to before,
despite those places being so nearby me.
we used to sms randomly everyday,
sometimes we call and talk for a few hours? talk about rubbish.
and i found myself agreeing to every single thing he says.
super random.
then somehow we stopped talking altogether,
then became two parallel lines since 2007.
up until this year.
the kinda feeling i got when i saw him again this year was a big big shock.
the moment i opened the door,
*bam* was the kinda feeling i had.
it was super super awkward.
and he's changed to be another person already,
that's on the outside though. but some part of him remained the same,
he's still the same nice senior as last time.
at least that small part of him i guess?
but somehow his exterior hardened.
and he's become a little scary?
but from him i learned a few stuff.
and he was the one who made me my signature.
haha.

and now to you.
i guessed i realised my feelings too early on.
if i didn't realise my feelings so early,
maybe i won't be here thinking about so many things.
maybe i won't behave in such a weird weird manner either.
but someow you made me think that this time round,
it's different from J and K.
it's entirely different.
you made me feel that no matter how you treat me,
no matter how parallel we are,
the moment we meet again, i would still be like your personal assistant
or like some dog, paying attention to all your needs.
i was thinking, maybe the way you were brought up,
you are nice to everyone.
but because you were nice, because you listened to all my rubbish,
because you always let me bully you and because of alot alot of random things,
it's more than a crush to me.
it's not love yet, of course, but it's like.
it's the first time i liked someone enough to actually be there no matter what happened before.
just like now, even though we don't talk anymore,
if there were to be a kbox family outing after your As,
i would pretend as though nothing happened,
pretend that everthing was how it used to be.
i wonder if that would even happen.
i don't emo or cry over you anymore,
at least right now when we are parallel.
but i still look at your profile, i still look at your msn nick update.
i wonder what is going through your mind right now.
i know nothing would come out of this if i confessed.
but i wonder if you knew. and i wonder if i should let you know.
and how you would react upon that.
i know i can be very cool about it, at least in front of you.
but i dunno how you'll feel, whether you'll be burdened by that.
there's alot of thoughts going through me.
but one thing i do hope,
is that i won't end up hating, disliking or avoiding you in the end.
i guess i won't, but i dunno,
maybe it's the parts that i dunno that makes me scared things will end up that way.
i just hope it won't.
if you look carefully around you,
i never left. i may not talk to you,
but when you need to talk you know how you can reach me.
that's the reason why i online every single day for the whole day.
LOL. pathetic, ain't it?
i wonder what's gonna happen the moment i see you again in december.
in detective conan, there was this sentence that says,
if it's someone you really like or love, after not seeing him for a long time
or not contacting him for a long time,
the very moment you see him, your tears will flow uncontrollably.