hated

so what happens if you become fully conscious that those you are working with hates you.
to the extend that they voice out as a request not to have you train them?
what do you do with such feelings?
what happens?
what are you supposed to do next?
and when it's the love of your life that you are serving?
i wondered if everything was a mistake.
i wondered if i made a big big mistake.
i wondered if i was actually a mistake.
to begin with, my existence was a mistake.
and then i wondered if being a 17/09 only brough harm to the corps?
rather than hurt, upset, sad or angry, i am feeling lost.
lost because i dunno how to handle all these thoughts and feelings.
not thinking about them wun make the problems go away.
pretending it's alright wun make things better either.
bringing it up as a problem is too awkward, because this is my own problem.
telling someone seems to be too much of a burden.
so my only solution was typing here.
but this doesn't solve the problems either.
i dunno how things are going to turn out to be but i can only see how things goes.
i will try to stop myself from thinking too much.
because if i do, then i would be inefficient and create even more problems.

long time no see

it's be decades since i last posted.
LOL. cox i kinda just can't be bothered ba i guess?
in the end, my intention to do 2010 reflection failed again.
well wells,
i just can't be bothered to do it now,
or maybe i didn't want to reflect on certain things also.
but anyway, i gave up intention on that alr.

life has been, well, boring i guess?
but life is less tedious in this year.
perhaps cox i am more and more into the mood to do homework and stuff
and perhaps cox i am more and more into sleeping early and taking naps.
LOL.
i touch my lappie less than last time.
alot less.
that is a good sign.
i shall be a lappie camper come holidays.
the whole period of time from my december break till now has been,
let me see,
i did go out a few times, to have outing with cousins and stuff,
other than that, nothing much i guess?
christmas and new year has been spent at home,
mummy decided to throw parties and stuff.
haha. mummy has become more into cooking, making things, baking things.
her newest hobby is nails.
LOL~
school has been a little tedious,
because i wasn't a good girl and didn't do my homework.
but this year on, i changed bit by bit already i guess?
i have been submitting homework on time and stuff.
that is a fantastic change for me,
i am now in the mood to do work
hehe~
this should and needs to continue on~
gogogo~

i realise that i am a very non-people person.
haix, sorry to everyone, i am just so cui~
i will change and i will improve.
i promise.
SJ side we have a structure.
things are getting easier to settle and worked out.
this is a good sign.
let's get better and better and better. =)
and OTC is well, still haven't really get into the momentum yet ba
but then, hopefully it won't turn out to be problematic ba, i hope.
i think it should be alright.
let's jiayou yo~

i want to get back my comic reading habit.
i used to read loads of comics.
haha~
it's nice to be able to read comics while on the move
or when lecturers decide to slack also.
comic reading is a nice thing to do.
how i wish i have money and i have no school.
then i can go buy or rent tons of comics to read.
library's collection is just too little~

i forgot what else i wanted to update about.
haha~ absent-minded me.
nvm~ shall update again when i have the time.
or when i feel like it.
JA~

wtf

i seriously dun understand you, jie.
why the hell you would think of moving out.
have you thought about the complications?
how would daddy and mummy feel about it all?
can you like fucking use your brain?
yes i know you are tired, you are drained,
are you the only one?
every single day daddy and mummy has to think of livelihood, the family etc,
and right here you are like saying that nobody understands you,
nobody cares, everyone is blaming you?
who told me about self-pitying?
why are you pitying yourself? you're seriously unreasonable,
fucking unreasonable.
just cox of scoldings, just cox of how stressed you are, just cox of this moment right now,
you are thinking about getting out of this house.
you seriously are not using your brains.
what's gonna happen to your livelihood?
how is everyone in this family gonna feel?
you're so fucking selfish you dun even think of us,
you think it's nice to see family members move out of the house just like that?
how would mummy feel? she would be worrying the whole damn day,
she will eventually relapse one day cox of this.
then dandan leh? how would he feel?
why he sisters left the house?
daddy? he will be affected but not show, then get upset all by himself
then daddy and mummy will both be at least 50, what happens if dandan turn rebellious?
and use your fucking brain and think, how many out there wants to live with their parents but are forced apart? some by life and death some physically.
you get to live with your parents are you are thinking of moving out?
wth man, seriously wth,
it really makes me damn angry when i know you are entertaining that thought,
and to know your reason for thinking of such things makes me even more angry.
seriously, use your brains and think about this matter,
and for the matter, you have brains thanks to daddy and mummy.
i hope you would STOP entertaining such thoughts.
seriously.

too much

from now onwards, i won't ask anything anymore,
since the more i ask, the more irritated all of you get.
i shall now make myself not care so much anymore.
cox i'm too much, ain't i?
and because i am too much,
nobody ever wants to tell me anything anymore.
and since that is the case, fine, so be it,
i should just shut up and not ask questions.
and keep my questions to myself.
i am selfish, i am too much, i asked what people dun wanna talk about.
yeah, that is me, overbearing,
pusing beyond limits, dun even know where i stand,
ask to much till i'm not even on talking terms with my twinnie.
yeah, everything is me alright, i should shut up.
i won't ask anymore. and you wun tell me anything anymore.
and also cox i don't matter anymore.
or rather you don't care anymore.
nobody does anyway.
when i was on the edge of the cliff, none of you realised that,
none of you bothered. yeah, you're busy, that's the case.
maybe i just don't belong.
because of how overbearing and too much i am.
it's always been like that, i am always disliked.
i will still survive and live another day, just that i'm all by myself.
that's all.

thank you!

been long since i last updated.
been lazy, been letting go, been forgetting.
taught many many courses during my holidays.
school finally started. schoolwork, schoollife, going to school everyday.
life's back on a routine.
stuff started piling up,
and then bad things happened.
unhappy things, specifically speaking.
SJ side, frictions between two sides,
wonders how things will go from now on.
hopefully things can be ironed out.
and that things will be better planned and smoother for next year.
and hope to get them to attend ZPN or something like that.
afterall miss hoe is retiring and she's been with the corps for quite long.
speaking of ZPN, i'm now really thankful that i'm not in the committee,
i would definitely break if i'm in.
ZGD. i guessed i've been too slack from the beginning.
though i guess everything's easy to settle now,
as long as i churn out all the documents that were supposed to be settled by the 10 kids,
the event will go on.
but suddenly, well, i know i shouldn't been feeling this way,
but i felt abandoned,
abandoned by the committee that was initially gathered for ZGD.
not their fault though, afterall they will have exams and stuff during ZGD.
but suddenly, like everyone's gone.
and the things that the 10 kids sent me isn't helping at all.
though not to the extent of redoing everything,
i think i need to format every document they send me,
which isn't very little,
but i think i should be able to do it.
finance side,
i dun even know how or where to begin from.
it's kinda frustrating.
and then all the corps,
not everything is in yet.
how how?
think i will have to haunt the corps reps.
if i can tide through this period of time,
i think i will definitely become stronger.
but what if i couldn't?
nah, i think i can, or rather, i dun have any other choices other than to make it happen.
just carry on, push on, hang on
i can overcome it, i will overcome it.

now on to today's title.
i am thankful for many things.
thankful for family time that's rather prominent recently.
it's nice to hang out as a family more frequently.
though all that we do is have meals and stuff,
that's more than enough for me already.
i am also thankful for just a sentence from Siew Huai.
thankful to her for saying "send it to me when you're free"
she's probably the only one who said that to me,
when everyone else is probably asking when am i sending,
why am i not sending yet,
why is it not sent yet,
or even just keeping silent and getting angry on their own.
it's small things like that that makes a difference.
just one sentence makes me feel that i am understood and sayang-ed
it's as good as patting me on my head and telling me it's okay.
thank you Siew Huai! =)
i won't be lazy, i won't feel tired, i won't break under all these,
because i can do it.
that's all for now, till i update again. haha.
JA~

anyounghasaeyo~!

anyounghasaeyo!
been some time since my last update.
haha~
actually nothing much going on in my life right now,
weekdays has been used for staying at home, occasionally teaching dandan homework,
weekends are SJ filled,
with heartsaver and CPR+AED or BCLS.
earn money to save up. LOL~
andand i renewed my plan and got a new phone!
there's no lollipop, so got optimus GT540 instead.
a bit wasted, cox the red lollipop phone is really beautiful~
but my titanium silver optimus looks cool too~
so it's alright~ =D
school is reopening soon, real soon, like 5 more days.
hahaha, back to studying,
will work hard from now onwards,
because i have a GOAL!!!!!!
NIE HERE I COME!!!!!
wheeeheehee~ xD
and i love jang geun suk!!!!!!!!
i've always loved him since his hwang jin yi days.
wheeheeheeheehee~
LOLs~
he's just damn cute,
wahahahha
and jang geun suk and park shin hye belong together!!!!!!
even his mom likes her~ haha
okay i'm getting too fangirlish~
kekeke~
alright, i shall go watch WGM and whatever dramas i feel like watching right now,
before school starts and there won't be time for them~
JA~

drown

right now i'm thankful that i didn't learn how to swim,
cox that way, i can drown myself in my stupidness, my contradicting myself etc.
talking to amanda helped me see things clearly.
december, whatever etc won't ever come.
i don't even need to say, you already know.
all that's left to do is to sort out my own stupid thinking,
deal with whatever that's left in me,
and life goes on.
and to begin with,
i didn't even understand you one bit.
i just kept lying to myself that you are like this, like that, etc.
how stupid can i be.