Avery Lynn Canahuati

http://averycan.blogspot.com/

I think it's an inspiring good read.
Somehow it makes me feel sad, because if i were her parents, all i would ever want is for her to experience real normal things, like wetting her bed accidentally, or attempting to walk and falling down.
Though she's gone to heaven, but i think it's really interesting and a good read.

Twinnie

Enjoys talking to twinnie.
He's like a childish yet mature younger brother to me. Hahas!
I am assured and know that i can be completely honest and random with him.
I guess my character helped, cox i am one who takes very long to get close to, very long to let go but i will let everything go everytime i do so.
I think twinnie and i have more things to talk about simply because of common interests plus the fact that we are assured of not ever having any one-sided liking etc anymore. Hahas.
Blessing in disguise, if you ask me.
More talks from now onwards twinnie! We need more time to talk also. Haha!

And i am sure i'm not expecting anything now. Just enjoying the every few days and sometimes daily conversation.

Never-ending convo. Heeez. (:

Decisions

I keep going back and forth between my decisions on things.

I can't believe that i am actually thinking this way.

But recently many many many things had me thinking if it's really time's up for me already.

I am struggling with coming to a decision on whether i should be leaving.

Maybe i am affected by what Jie said,

that going back should be something happy.

That it's not the first time that i am feeling such negative feelings and not the first time i've cried over all this shit.

But is it really time i leave already?

I wonder if i should speak to the people involved.

It'll be super duper selfish of me.

But then again, idk.

I know that if i dun address this problem now, it will grow and eventually result in a fall-out.

But if i do actually talk about it, it's too self-centred of me.

And it may be because i am freaking sensitive.

But really, if i were to repeatedly feel sensitive about things and never seem to get over it,

I really think that there's something i should do about it.

Whether it is something wrong with the system or is it something wrong with the way anybody is doing things, or is it my sensitivity or anybody's approach and opinion of things.

The thing is i no need anyone to do things my way.

But i think that maybe, somehow or another, i really have issues with how things are going, how things are being done.

I think there's too much rubbish going through my mind now.

And too much rubbish going on already.

It's all so rubbish that i really cannot stand it anymore.

But one thing i really don't want is that people misunderstand where i am coming from with all these.

I'm not after recognition or credit. 

I don't need any of it.

I just want this place that i am in, to be a happy place, at least like it was before.

I am very open to discussion.

But whether or not other people are as open is another thing altogether.

Well, it can be just me being a lousy and sucky person who is not up to the job.

And maybe this whole talk things out thingy wun ever happen.

And maybe instead of leaving, i would be chased out.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I suppose i am seriously narrow-minded or something.
If not for the fact that you are someone of some stature,
Or that you've been there serving the corps in many areas,
I would've been utterly disgusted by all that has been happening.
Maybe it's just conflict of mindset or something.
But i don't see how it is necessary to consistently remind us juniors that RESPECT is to be given to the seniors.
Yes, i acknowledge that you are my senior and that we need to behave appropriately at times.
Maybe i have been disrespectful or something like that. I dunno.
But why keep harping on the respect la, salutations la etc etc?
Is it even necessary?
To me it isn't.
To me, my juniors, once they become officers, or once they graduate and are fellow officers/committee members serving the corps, there isn't a difference in me and them.
Yes, i am more senior and stuff, and i am older, and more experienced.
But to me we are all colleagues. There are times when i have to learn from them also.
So to me there isn't a necessity in emphasising the respect and seniority.
Because when we work together, it is a form of mutual respect.
Mutual respect means that, even if we don't use salutations with one another,
even if we talk like we are fellows, we respect one another.
And we value each others' opinions and contribution and such.
With what is happening, it reminded me of how HQ and Zone people are behaving.
Though they pull rank, in this case, to put it crudely, it's like you're pulling seniority.
That doesn't seem like something you would do.
Or at least the you that i know.
Where did the harmony in the committee go to?
I guess perhaps we are overboard, else you wouldn't do so.
I think this way because i have faith in your character as my senior.
I believe there must be a reason for you to emphasise on this point.
And since it is what you want, i shall adhere to it and be formal with you.


I know i shouldn't be talking about these things on my blog.
But i also know that if i don't rant all these irritation i am feeling out, 
I may end up developing what people say as 心病.
I don't know why but somehow i suddenly feel that one day i might just eat my own words and leave.
It's cowardice, i understand, but sometimes i just feel like, 
It's not a harmonious place to work hard in anymore.
Sometimes i just feel that, what am i serving for? 
Am i serving ________ or am i serving the people in it?
We are here because we want to be here.
But when you feel like what you do is all wrong,
when you feel like you are serving, working hard, but all the pain isn't worth anything.
It's not just one person or anything. 
It just feels like you are not good enough and anything is just your fault because it is a chain reaction.
Maybe i'm too sensitive for my own good but sometimes i just think, "why do you keep shooting me?"
and yeah. but i always end up telling myself it's objective, not subjective.


gahhhh, maybe it's just that i am a spoilt brat without the correct mindset to serve bah.
Maybe i'm just not there, not good enough, to be serving in this place.
idk anymore. i think if i continue typing and thinking, i will go nowhere and end up being very emotional and upset over nothing.
Maybe I'm just not worth anything anymore. Because my efficiency and standards are not up to anyone and everyone's expectations.
I'm tired.
Though i always tell myself, i am not the only one tired, and i am not the most tired out of everyone.
Sigh....

:(

I can't even say i miss you. Sigh. ):
Wonders if you're busy or you simply forgotten. Just hope it's not cox you're sick or anything.
Sighhhhh

Iwanai Koto

"sukidesu", hontoni iwanagata no koto. Demo ne, watashi no kokoro ga chotto doki suru. Jibun no kimochi ga wakatemasu. Itsuka ne, koukuhaku shimasu! Hahas. Jaa ne!

Un-resting

I think one reason i have been feeling terribly drained early in the morning is that i haven't been able to sleep properly.
I always always have the same fear when i go to sleep: that i won't be able to wake up on time.
Sigh. Seems like i'm kinda really old alr eh. I need sleep!!

And then again, i've always always have this habit of doing or thinking about things right before i sleep. So i end up wasting precious sleeping time. Oops. :x


Totally unrelated but i really love provence(or whatever its name is)'s pafupafu bread is super super nice! Love the texture. And the fact that it's "kosong". Low cost of $0.80 and being available conveniently at vivo & ion are bonuses.
If only i can be sure that it'll last the week, then i'll get one for each day's breakfast!!!
Now, if only it is low-carb/low-calorie food. Then i can even eat it for lunch!!! Save money & lower carb intake at the same time!!
Think too much arhs. Lols.


Rightttttttt.
JA~ oyasuminasai! (: