wtf

i seriously dun understand you, jie.
why the hell you would think of moving out.
have you thought about the complications?
how would daddy and mummy feel about it all?
can you like fucking use your brain?
yes i know you are tired, you are drained,
are you the only one?
every single day daddy and mummy has to think of livelihood, the family etc,
and right here you are like saying that nobody understands you,
nobody cares, everyone is blaming you?
who told me about self-pitying?
why are you pitying yourself? you're seriously unreasonable,
fucking unreasonable.
just cox of scoldings, just cox of how stressed you are, just cox of this moment right now,
you are thinking about getting out of this house.
you seriously are not using your brains.
what's gonna happen to your livelihood?
how is everyone in this family gonna feel?
you're so fucking selfish you dun even think of us,
you think it's nice to see family members move out of the house just like that?
how would mummy feel? she would be worrying the whole damn day,
she will eventually relapse one day cox of this.
then dandan leh? how would he feel?
why he sisters left the house?
daddy? he will be affected but not show, then get upset all by himself
then daddy and mummy will both be at least 50, what happens if dandan turn rebellious?
and use your fucking brain and think, how many out there wants to live with their parents but are forced apart? some by life and death some physically.
you get to live with your parents are you are thinking of moving out?
wth man, seriously wth,
it really makes me damn angry when i know you are entertaining that thought,
and to know your reason for thinking of such things makes me even more angry.
seriously, use your brains and think about this matter,
and for the matter, you have brains thanks to daddy and mummy.
i hope you would STOP entertaining such thoughts.
seriously.

too much

from now onwards, i won't ask anything anymore,
since the more i ask, the more irritated all of you get.
i shall now make myself not care so much anymore.
cox i'm too much, ain't i?
and because i am too much,
nobody ever wants to tell me anything anymore.
and since that is the case, fine, so be it,
i should just shut up and not ask questions.
and keep my questions to myself.
i am selfish, i am too much, i asked what people dun wanna talk about.
yeah, that is me, overbearing,
pusing beyond limits, dun even know where i stand,
ask to much till i'm not even on talking terms with my twinnie.
yeah, everything is me alright, i should shut up.
i won't ask anymore. and you wun tell me anything anymore.
and also cox i don't matter anymore.
or rather you don't care anymore.
nobody does anyway.
when i was on the edge of the cliff, none of you realised that,
none of you bothered. yeah, you're busy, that's the case.
maybe i just don't belong.
because of how overbearing and too much i am.
it's always been like that, i am always disliked.
i will still survive and live another day, just that i'm all by myself.
that's all.

thank you!

been long since i last updated.
been lazy, been letting go, been forgetting.
taught many many courses during my holidays.
school finally started. schoolwork, schoollife, going to school everyday.
life's back on a routine.
stuff started piling up,
and then bad things happened.
unhappy things, specifically speaking.
SJ side, frictions between two sides,
wonders how things will go from now on.
hopefully things can be ironed out.
and that things will be better planned and smoother for next year.
and hope to get them to attend ZPN or something like that.
afterall miss hoe is retiring and she's been with the corps for quite long.
speaking of ZPN, i'm now really thankful that i'm not in the committee,
i would definitely break if i'm in.
ZGD. i guessed i've been too slack from the beginning.
though i guess everything's easy to settle now,
as long as i churn out all the documents that were supposed to be settled by the 10 kids,
the event will go on.
but suddenly, well, i know i shouldn't been feeling this way,
but i felt abandoned,
abandoned by the committee that was initially gathered for ZGD.
not their fault though, afterall they will have exams and stuff during ZGD.
but suddenly, like everyone's gone.
and the things that the 10 kids sent me isn't helping at all.
though not to the extent of redoing everything,
i think i need to format every document they send me,
which isn't very little,
but i think i should be able to do it.
finance side,
i dun even know how or where to begin from.
it's kinda frustrating.
and then all the corps,
not everything is in yet.
how how?
think i will have to haunt the corps reps.
if i can tide through this period of time,
i think i will definitely become stronger.
but what if i couldn't?
nah, i think i can, or rather, i dun have any other choices other than to make it happen.
just carry on, push on, hang on
i can overcome it, i will overcome it.

now on to today's title.
i am thankful for many things.
thankful for family time that's rather prominent recently.
it's nice to hang out as a family more frequently.
though all that we do is have meals and stuff,
that's more than enough for me already.
i am also thankful for just a sentence from Siew Huai.
thankful to her for saying "send it to me when you're free"
she's probably the only one who said that to me,
when everyone else is probably asking when am i sending,
why am i not sending yet,
why is it not sent yet,
or even just keeping silent and getting angry on their own.
it's small things like that that makes a difference.
just one sentence makes me feel that i am understood and sayang-ed
it's as good as patting me on my head and telling me it's okay.
thank you Siew Huai! =)
i won't be lazy, i won't feel tired, i won't break under all these,
because i can do it.
that's all for now, till i update again. haha.
JA~