9/26/10

future

been thinking about my future,
am i gonna go uni, or go NIE, or go out to work in logistics field?
actually i am rather tempted to pursue my childhood dream,
which is to be a teacher,
to be able to do that, i would need to work really really really hard for my GPA.
to get at least 3.0, so that i can apply for NIE admission.
to be a chinese teacher, to teach people the chinese language,
like how i learned my chinese myself.
i think that would be great.
so with that, my thoughts came to a conclusion,
i want to be a teacher,
and thus the coming semesters, i will work really hard,
so that i can live that dream.
jiayoujiayou~!!!! =)

9/24/10

update

hahaha, random update~
recently. nothing much,
went to one heart,
went to YOG universal studios thingy,
gonna go teach heartsaver in HQ tmr morning,
hopefully can get the money from the other time, hehe~
then october is coming,
this is so fast, the kids are gonna have their N levels, O levels soon,
all the best kiddos~
then A levels comes, all the best people~
especially AAB. hahaha, but AAB, you won't even see this,
october i'm gonna go do up the zone notice board,
go universal studios with YOG people again, haha~
then gonna teach alot alot alot of courses on weekends,
and continue watching more dramas~!
hahaha
speaking of dramas, so far, i've completed
liar game both seasons, itazura na kiss anime, playful kiss till ep 8 which is the latest.
in the progress for sunao ni narenakute, joker, personal taste.
gonna start watching more and more, hahas
and i wanna watch movies also!
darling is a foreigner! villion's wife!
both japanese film~
and i want to exercise~~~~
oh and something i bet everyone can't believe,
just by staying at home all day for the past few days
i think i'm falling sick.
like i start getting sore throat already,
and it feels like the lose voice totally kind,
i've already had that twice, please spare me a third time. =/

and this week, haha, something feels strange,
i begin seeing that things are becoming more and more impossible,
i've come to terms with things so much so that i've stopped crying already.
but sometimes after climbing to bed at 2plus am,
i won't fall asleep till maybe 4plus 5?
i wun know when i sleep. cox i think i drift to sleep.
but the last time i check my phone for timing, it'll be about 4plus, close to 5.
i wonder if that's what people say, missing?
am i missing? i dunno.
i'm like waiting for a train that probably wun ever arrive.
you know and i know, i won't go around
"omg i can't forget, i can't let go"
i will probably cry after letting you know,
i will probably be upset, i will probably whine alot,
but it'll be a burden off me, i guess?
cox at least i get to say by then,
and you know i'll be a strong girl and tell you "see you in the next zone event" kinda thing.
i'm just hoping we'll remain friends after i tell you,
and i can still bully you.
cox in the end, it's kinda obvious there wasn't anything between us,
it's just simply one-sided, from the start to the end,
my one-sided feelings.
study hard alright?
live your dreams, carry out the plans you have for your life.
you can do it, cox you are you. =)

9/22/10

well,

i think i'm being too wilful,
being too much to everyone.
when i wanted to be there for everyone,
instead it's the other way around, everyone being there for me.
i get the idea,
i wun whine anymore,
i wun be so selfish anymore.
you'll only ever see me smile,
so that nobody has to worry anymore,
nobody has to listen to my rubbish anymore,
that's gonna be what will happen.
i'm sorry for all that has happened.

i just wanna tell you,
さようなら、また会おう、ごめんね、好きだよ

kbox family

we're falling apart, aren't we?
what's happening?
we've all started hiding things from one another,
how do i know that?
i guess it's gut feeling, but i just have this feeling that we're doing so.
we stopped sharing problems with one another,
we stopped alot alot of things.
it's not about talking to one another every single day,
i get your worries as well,
i understand that you are doing so to stop everyone else in the family to be upset or affected or worried,
but why is every single one of us doing so?
well, except yours truly who's the sole whiner
we seem to be falling apart,
getting further and further away from being the kbox family we were.
i wonder what's next, like seriously.

9/19/10

the only reason i'm pissed is because, this isn't the first time such a thing happened.
and on top of that, think about it,
how many days has it been since we last talked to each other?
how many days has it been since we last saw each other?
i was really looking forward to tomorrow.
but then this had to happen and i suddenly don't have to mood anymore.
i know where i stand, but why must it be the case that,
everytime you talk to me you sound like you're reprimanding me.
i told you to forget it, cox it doesn't matter,
cox it doesn't matter to you, does it?
i don't expect anything beyond normal friendship,
but as a friend, can you not treat me like that?
i suddenly find that you don't even treat me as a friend at all,
much less twinnie or whatever there is on my part.
i'm not pissed, i'm just affected, upset? i dunno.
you know you simply always have what it takes to defeat me like that,
you always you know.

9/18/10

wallowing in self pity. HAH.

as the title states,
that's what i'm doing right now,
pretending that everything's a big big deal,
making a big fuss about trival matters.
guess this disappearance,
shall be one for me to tear myself away from those stupid feelings,
so that when we have KBOX family chalet at the end of the year
i can actually joke about my feelings,
i can use it as a weapon to poke fun at you.
everything seems to be USED TO,
everything is turning into past tense,
everything is just gone, like that.
i should've been more self conscious,
tingxin ar tingxin, wake up your bloody idea,
who are you to think that there's gonna be a possibility?
there's never gonna be a chance between us right, sky blue?
it's just gonna be like that, forever,
it's just one-sided shamelessness on my part.
it'd be over, or maybe it's already over.
past tense is what we are now.
what's left for me to do is to rid myself of these feelings.
if only it's that easy.
but i think i should try.

9/17/10

is there a need to do this?
is there a need to drive her up the wall?
what's wrong with what she did?
she was just trying to avoid any unhappiness on the happy occasion.
why is there a need to force her?
to say those stuff?
to the extend of making her cry.
seeing her upset, unhappy, does that make all of you happy?
happy already?
it was only yesterday that i felt the simple everyday happiness in my home.
my HOME, not house.
yet today, mummy had to undergo all of these shit
she had to get so upset she's breaking down.
why? why the hell is there a need to insist?
i dun understand,
i seriously dun understand,
all i know is mummy is suffering, she's upset,
yet there's nothing i can do.
this sucks, really sucks.

shiro

i feel really bad now.
because those people who knew,
they're kinda starting to view you in a negative light.
this is so not fair to you.
it's not like you knew,
it's not as if you are aware,
but somehow they're viewing things in a such a way that you're the one at fault.
right now the only thing i can do for you,
the only way i can protect you,
is to pretend that i'm disappearing,
to pretend that i'm getting over,
to pretend that i'm letting go
to pretend that i don't care anymore.
because if i show that i care alot,
if i continue being emo upset etc,
they'll continue thinking that you're a bad person,
when you're actually not.
you're just ignorant and ignorant people would behave in this manner,
because you don't know.
sky blue i hope you're well.
i hope that you won't be misunderstood anymore,
i hope that nothing unfair or unjust would happen to you.
the only thing i can do now is to maybe,
try to move on from this futile feelings that i have.
even though i know it's not gonna be easy,
cox 18 years in my life, this is the first time i feel this way,
haha, it's not a crush mr dear sky blue.
if it is a crush, it would've been way easier to get over,
if it's a crush i wouldn't be knitting for my bear in white wool now.
though that's entirely coincidental.

jie, if you read this, stop thinking that sky blue is bad alright?
cox sky blue is just ignorant, sky blue doesn't know,
that's why sky blue behaves that way,
that's all. =)

9/15/10

OT5

i wonder how things went,
i understand how hurt you will be feeling after that day.
i seriously don't get it why there's a need to compare.
i would tell you all, just not during exams, right?
hopefully hime managed to talk to you about it
reading back my own blog posts got me missing my secondary school days.
maybe as what you said,
you and i always don't click,
we are always quarreling,
we are always having differing opinions.
maybe it's in my character,
maybe it's something else,
but trust me, i've never treated you all as less than anyone else.
i've said it before and i'll say it again,
OT5 is my 大切な友達
特別の存在です
therefore, i hope you won't compare you all with others.
to me, friends are people, people i treasure,
friends are not things,
there's no need to compare,
cox friends are unique individuals,
you are all you, specially you on this world.
there's no one out there who's exactly like you,
thus, don't compare.
that's all i've got to say,
i just hope you're not too upset or affected by this matter.
do take care of yourself alright, Ojou.

9/14/10

changed blog skin!

hahaha,
the noob noob me finally changed my blogskin.
it's now a simple combination of colours~
this blogskin can last forever~
hahaha~
i didn't know changing blogskin was just so simple~
to think i thought i'd lose my stuff and has never dared to change blog skin.
hahaha~

i'm gonna accompany laosan to kkh tomorrow~
she loves me because of that~
awww~ laosan guai~ =D

haven't started on personal taste yet~
gonna start soon~
today was kinda okay,
went to HQ to get cumble bands from derrick sir,
then used the shoewhite to whiten the sash/holder whatever you call it
the thing that ensigns use.
the shoewhite went all over the place
on my shorts too D:
but it was fun washing the floor with the high pressure water~
hehehe~
went over to corps training(the last 1 hour only)
thankfully sir lee was there~
i see hope! wheee~ LOL.
sorry to mei that i didn't wait with you today =X
and tada here i am back home messing with my comp and facebooking
msning and playing games all at the same time.
LOL.

though his her is not the her that i thought,
i know it's another her,
someone i never was, never is and never will be.
let's just wait and see how things goes~
nothing i can do anyways.

9/13/10

updates!


yayyyyyyyyyyy holidays are here~~
whoohoo~
been drama-ing non-stop~
finished the 2 series of liar game,
liar game is a must watch,
interesting, learn how to manipulate human's mindset.
hahaha~ kidding la~
watched playful kiss~ only 4 episodes up. D:
but it's really funny~ hahaha~ look forward to the next episode! xD
starting on personal taste soon~
personal taste seems interesting!
everyone's like watching it! haha~
and then jie watch till she keep laughing and laughing and laughing
hehe, look forward to watching it.
and recently what have i done....
i met up with lester sokting and amanda,
they study i watch videos! wheeeeeeee
hahaha,
yeahyeah amanda is becoming a studious bookworm~
she's starting to mug like jacelyn~
that's good, really good.
buck up alright, amanda?
you should aim higher, aim for better results!
you can do it laosan! jiayou jiayou! =D
and hmmm, orh!
on the last paper day, we had MDES' mid-autumn event!
was supposed to be medic, in the end become cook and drink maker also!
hahaha~ damn tiring~~~
but then it was really fun, really really fun~
microwave+toast hotdogs anyone? =D
but we wasted alotalot of food
saddded =(

and seemingly, sky blue's gonna wait for her, till army somemore.
haha, somehow i sound sad eh?
i'm sad, not over this fact,
i'm sad because sky blue chose to ignore me.
well, what do i expect,
i already told myself, maybe sky blue even disliked/hated me,
just that to maintain civil or sth, sky blue didn't say.
it's alright, i understand,
i get the idea, it's alright.
maybe mouse saw this coming, that's why she wanted me to disappear,
so that i wouldn't see this so prominently
so that i would think it's me who's ignoring sky blue,
instead of the truth which is the other way round.
maybe you just couldn't be bothered anymore,
maybe you dun care anymore.
maybe i should just stop trying, i should just disappear
stop trying to talk to you, stop everything.

9/10/10

hmmm, some days have past and i have been trying to disappear.
i wonder if i ever cross your mind, sky blue.
or maybe you're just too busy with studying and dramaing and FBing and everything else.
there's much things happening to people around me, people i know.
my exams are over and i'm on holidays.
things are just gonna get busier and busier for you.
wonder how's it going for you.
not talking to you, not liking facebook status of yours etc,
it's kinda difficult.
maybe because it all used to be very natural, like reflex.
haha, i seriously wonder how much you would remember,
how much of me crossed your mind, as your friend
sky blue i'm tired and i dun feel like disappearing from you anymore,
because i know what mouse said won't really work on you.
me disappearing from your life won't make you take the initiative to contact me right?
you won't contact me,
you won't think of me,
you won't miss the randoms we did as twinnies,
you won't even remember how you use to text and msn me everyday.
cox it doesn't mean all that much to you.
i dun feel like it but i think i'll still carry on,
because you don't have time for me anyways.
i just hope i can say something, sky blue.
but can i? am i allowed to? i don't think so.

9/6/10

some accumulation of matters,
makes me wonder what does SJ mean to everyone.
to kbox family, what does SJ mean to you?
to 17/09, what does SJ mean to you?
to GESS SJAB, what does SJ mean to you?
to everyone who's in SJ right now, what does SJ mean to you?
what is SJ to all of you?
is it something worthless?
is it of no importance at all?
is it a burden?
is it something irritating?
is it just a CCA?
i wonder, i really wonder.
it makes me so sad when everyone talks about leaving SJ.
it just means so little to you all?
it's really really sad.
because to me, SJ is not just a CCA,
SJ is the love of my life,
SJ is as good as my home,
SJ is somewhere, something that gave me alot of things,
SJ taught me alot of things,
SJ let me meet people i cherish,
SJ made me a matured and changed person,
SJ is where i want to commit for life,
SJ is something i will never let go of,
SJ is something i will protect, forever.
SJ means alot, so much,
it's part of my life already.
remove SJ from my life and you wun see much.
that's how much SJ is in my life.
i'm sad, by the fact that people who matter,
people whom i met and cherish, SJ people,
they are toying with the idea of leaving SJ,
they say they will leave SJ if something that's gotta do with some other parts of their lives happens,
they look back and think that it wasn't worth it to be in SJ.
they think that they've wasted their lives in SJ.
why, why is that so?
just what is SJ to you? all of you?

9/1/10

back on track.

update of my life,
studying studying, SJ stuff, studying.
that's all for these 2 weeks.
until 10th sep.
once 10th sep comes, i'm free!
whoohoo~ holidays are here,
time to manage the corps and gain more white hair.
i want this corps not only to thrive, we have to flourish,
gain back the dominance in school, the aura that we had,
most importantly, the morale towards the corps.
i believe i can do it.
it's time to bring the corps up, no more staying stagnant.

for studies wise,
let's jiayou.
i need more than just a pass.
i need to pull back my GPA.
3.0 is supposed to be the minimum.
let's do it.

and i'm damn broke.
september will be a stay home month,
watch dramas, hang out with my mum, fold stars.
fold stars for what? to fill up the bigbigbigbig jar.
hahaha~
there's suddenly so many drama series that i wanna watch,
oh man!
endure endure~ 10th sep. hehe~

i've been feeling less emo recently,
not because i stopped feeling a certain way,
but because somehow or rather,
i think you care, at least as my twinnie.
you haven't been onlining,
it's a good sign i guess? you're studying.
the only channel of knowing what's happening to you,
is via facebook.
which doesnt have a lot of updates on your life to begin with.
but i know you're fine, or at least i hope so.
but i'm at peace.
of course i do think so much once in a while,
but i won't get sad over it.
let decemeber come.
let's see, ZPN will prolly be the first time i see you after your As.
somehow that makes me look forward to that.
dear twinnie,
before that happens,
be well, stay fine, dun fall sick, dun get upset, dun stress out.
always there bear. =)

that's all.
JA~