I have no idea what's going on actually.
But maybe because February is just around the corner.
Anyways, this song is stuck on my mind currently.
你好嗎
主唱：周杰倫
作曲：周杰倫
填詞：羅宇軒．李汪哲
牆上靜止的鐘是為誰停留
是不是和我一樣賴著不走
你說故事已經結束 很久
我忘了 向前走
我努力假裝現在過得很好
現在的你看來已不需要我
也許在不同的時空還牽著 你的手
想知道你真的過得好嗎
沒有我也許是種解脫
將思念穿梭在宇宙數千光年
悄悄到 你身邊
現在我試著習慣一個人過
也許你已經開始新的生活
陪著我的叫做寂寞
陪你的 是誰呢?
想知道你真的過得好嗎
沒有我也許是種解脫
將思念穿梭在宇宙數千光年
悄悄到 你身邊
現在我試著習慣一個人過
也許你已經開始新的生活
陪著我的叫做寂寞
陪你的 是誰呢?
也許在不同的時空
還牽著 你的手
1/31/12
1/30/12
Confused
In a state of confusion over what i want. Seriously.
Do i wanna extend while i apply for nie and wait for posting? Do i wanna try something new instead? Is there any other option if i can't get into nie? Do i like what i'm doing now? What subject do.i want? Is it possible for me to take a break before applying next year? Money wise is also an issue. Should i just come out and work? What can i do? What do i want in life, really? What am i expecting? How do i apply for nie? What am i supposed to do? I have no idea at all. I'm stuck and i am confused. Somebody help me please. Please...
Do i wanna extend while i apply for nie and wait for posting? Do i wanna try something new instead? Is there any other option if i can't get into nie? Do i like what i'm doing now? What subject do.i want? Is it possible for me to take a break before applying next year? Money wise is also an issue. Should i just come out and work? What can i do? What do i want in life, really? What am i expecting? How do i apply for nie? What am i supposed to do? I have no idea at all. I'm stuck and i am confused. Somebody help me please. Please...
1/21/12
Haiyo
Sometimes i dun even know what’s going on. Anticipating smses from _______ like that. Like a Possessive friend. Sigh. I think i am too tired and that made me cranky. The tiredness also made me numb to emotions. Or rather, angsty over minor minor stuff but numb to emotions i am feeling. Now's really a weird transition phase ba. It seems like, when you've lost something, it takes some time for you to go back to being normal and stuff. Same situation here. But on and off feel good feeling. Maybe i just feel weird from being cut from 3ya's life. Feels weird to not feel anything about him anymore. But oh wells. Hmmms i really needa be more normal. Sometimes i feel that i just need a shoulder to lean on and a hug from a friend. Or just a vitagen and some random tidbits or sth along the line to make me feel happier. Haha. Like some kiddo.
1/20/12
1/19/12
97
Hahahaha finally. My stalking of the portal has ended. Can finally fang xin!
With such good news to start the day. Perhaps it's a good sign that everything's turning for the better!!!
Anyways feeling this huge relieve that it's all done and set in stone. Hehehe. Happy happy me!!! :D
1/18/12
evil red apple & poisinous green apple
evil red apple broke into halves when my phone dropped on the carpet floor of the office.
indication much? i'm not sure.
though the apples weren't bought to make it a couple kinda thing, but eventually i fixed it up and gave the green one to 3ya, while i have the red one for myself.
coincidentally, red is my favourite colour and greens seems to be one of his favourite colours.
when i asked him what he thinks of the apples, he said green looks retarted and red looks evil. then green became poisonous green apple.
seems like evil red apple is very 3ya and retarted poisonous green apple is very me. hahas. so technically holding the apple that describes each other.
now back to about today.
maybe it's an indication that we've both moved on with the next part of our lives. the brand pair new parallel lines. hahas.
just found it interesting and funny uh. suddenly cherish the apple even more.
a precious precious part of my life.
i loved you, now on, i love you as just a friend. (((:
sunshine
sunshine, a word i wouldn't use to describe anyone else other than 3ya. because you will always be my sunshine. dun ask me why. i've actually realised that i let go already. that i am clearly aware and know and feel that i dun have romantic feelings for 3ya anymore. maybe i'm looking forward, straight ahead. i am now just glad my bittersweet first love was 3ya. anything else doesn't matter anymore. i understood many things today. it just suddenly popped in my brain. too much to blog now. will blog during CNY. but you'll always be my great big sunshine, one and only. i feel this infinite amount of positivity and drive after understanding.
and here i am, that wee bit of anticipation for meanie1%'s sms. lols. what am i doing? what am i thinking? seriously. lololol.
1/16/12
Meanie
Still haven't brace myself to blog down about 3ya.
Probably needs more time, but i find myself becoming happier.
Probably, i let go of feelings alr.
What's left is just forever worried, concerned and such.
Not because he was my first love, but probably more of the fact that he plays more than a role in many parts of my life.
It's hard to just heck care and forget about someone like that.
Or rather, he is someone i never want to forget about.
Someone i would never forget about.
Someone who's always gonna be my friend, always a great presence in my life.
Realised there's a meanie in my life right now.
This word, used it on 3ya before.
Haha. Meanie is a word just like twinnie.
But would meanie become like my twinnie as well? Perhaps.
But i am caught between the friendship and that 1% of feel-good feeling.
But the feel-good feeling only stays at smiling at my phone.
Haha..so not so much ba. Not right now. Not meanie la.
Especially when i dun even understand meanie.
But meanie is a great friend.
Just that i keep feeling this invisible awkward vibe as friends.
Haha. It's probably not just me lo.
There's this awkward weirdness.
So weewee, dun get your hopes high. Heh! :P
Well.
That's all for now.
Back to work.
JA~
Probably needs more time, but i find myself becoming happier.
Probably, i let go of feelings alr.
What's left is just forever worried, concerned and such.
Not because he was my first love, but probably more of the fact that he plays more than a role in many parts of my life.
It's hard to just heck care and forget about someone like that.
Or rather, he is someone i never want to forget about.
Someone i would never forget about.
Someone who's always gonna be my friend, always a great presence in my life.
Realised there's a meanie in my life right now.
This word, used it on 3ya before.
Haha. Meanie is a word just like twinnie.
But would meanie become like my twinnie as well? Perhaps.
But i am caught between the friendship and that 1% of feel-good feeling.
But the feel-good feeling only stays at smiling at my phone.
Haha..so not so much ba. Not right now. Not meanie la.
Especially when i dun even understand meanie.
But meanie is a great friend.
Just that i keep feeling this invisible awkward vibe as friends.
Haha. It's probably not just me lo.
There's this awkward weirdness.
So weewee, dun get your hopes high. Heh! :P
Well.
That's all for now.
Back to work.
JA~
1/3/12
Looking back on my 2011, i realised it was really an amazing year.
so much happened in the course of one year,
i forgot i am just a 19-year-old kid.
that's pretty amusing.
i'm not too sure where to start off actually.
shall do it in bits and pieces.
sorry if it's very all over the place.
that seems to be just how i am, right? hahas~
OTC
fulfilled one of those wishes i once had, to be an OTC instructor.
to be honest, i felt that i did a really terrible job there.
i wouldn't want to be an OTC instructor again until i feel i've grown and improved.
for Tango, i felt that i was never really there for them,
i didn't understand and know them as a group, much less as individuals.
compared to what i did with P4'10, i really did a lousy job for Tango.
I'm sorry.
as for the experience as a whole, it was enriching.
it showed me many flaws i have in me, how i wasn't ready to be an OTC instructor at all.
not there yet, really have to level up alot more.
on the other hand, i was really glad to get to know the group of instructors and trainees from this year's OTC.
all of them are really nice people.
from OTC itself, i also got to know the 3 siaoginnas better.
thought i knew them quite a bit, but i got to know them even more over here.
and feels really touching to see them all grown up.
the feeling i have when i saw them pass out from OTC, totally not what words can describe.
really proud. their best trainee awards were bonuses.
really felt that they made the corps' name felt in HQ level,
that they demonstrated to everyone through their actions, what is tip top quality.
they really earned what they got.
to be honest, i went to the extent of voting against them,
but eventually all instructors felt that they were good.
which makes me even prouder of them.
i will be back to serve OTC, when i improved myself, when i think i am good enough to be an OTC instructor.
ANCO
this is one of the most horrible experiences i had with ANCO.
i've never hated ANCO this much. really.
why, i supposed i don't want to elaborate. too explicit.
have told close group of fellow officers what happened before,
therefore vented out already, i supposed.
wouldn't deny that i really did a very lousy job,
but i believe i was not the only one at fault, and many things weren't even my fault to begin with, so the horrid-ness doesn't only stem from me.
the only thing i am glad about this ANCO is during campfire.
thought my brain was already not working by then,
i only remembered walking around aimlessly, as always,
and complaining about the whole ANCO to you, and you telling me why you're not in this year's ANCO, and all the politics stuff going on.
that was by far, the best part of ANCO.
and probably the lead up to our 110811 ba.
Poly Life
many things happened in 2011.
my results went from bad to worst.
and i really have inter-personal relationship problems i guess.
because i destroyed 3 years of friendship just like that.
i dunno why either.
but i really believe this part is totally and entirely my fault.
i feel stupid, i feel horrible, i feel like banging my head against the wall so much.
but then again, what's done cannot be undone.
and i truly deserve everything.
all done with the academic semesters already,
already 70% through to attachment right now.
attachment has been a nightmare right at the start.
there wasn't a day i didn't get into trouble,
on top of being not punctual everyday,
always felt extremely guilty everyday,
then one day, manager told me i can't afford to be late,
then i adjusted my sleeping patterns,
i am now punctual most of the time.
though would still be late sometimes, but at least not so horrible,
ironically, things picked up since we had problems,
sad to say.
but things are not too bad right now, sometimes it's a breeze.
actually i did ever wonder if i should continue working there.
but no, i thing it's not my kind of a job.
i should start applying for NIE soon.
then apply for relief teaching sessions.
maybe extend like a couple of months with the company, until the relief teaching things finalise ba.
but not a long term goal.
maybe i would even work only until the next intern comes in.
who knows, see how things goes.
but i really kinda like the company culture and environment.
just that i dun like the way some people work there.
so not a long term plan to stay there for long periods.
Family
many things happened this year.
ah ma fell down earlier this year, hit her head.
scared the hell outta me, really,
then i felt first-hand, the fear, of losing ah ma.
i realised that ah ma is already old.
thankfully ah ma recovered after about a week of hospitalisation.
then went home and is happily healthy once again.
then sadly, yeye fell in the toilet in July~August.
ah ma and daddy speculated that yeye wanted to commit suicide
because he was worried about his urinary tract problem.
yeye got hospitalised as well, for a few days only.
a long enduring battle of persuading him to go for the minor surgery for his urinary tract follows his discharge.
and he eventually went for it in Sep~Oct.
now he's happy and healthy and gained back the weight from before.
then ah ma was hospitalised again in Oct due to low potassium.
another scare, somemore during worktime.
thankfully, after 3 days of IV drips, she recovered.
mummy had a breakdown a day before my exams in august.
woke up to her arguing with daddy early in the morning.
she had relapses of her depression since june,
sometimes i feel really frustrated with mummy.
sometimes i just feel angry that she succumb to her depression so easily.
but then again, perhaps she just can't help it.
it was a horrible period leading up to my exams.
she was warded by request into a specialised day care ward for depression patients.
it was a torturous day, really.
if it wasn't for you, well, i doubt i would have gotten through that day.
that day, you really showed me that i can depend on you when i cannot take it.
Corps
this year, i felt the effect of having everyone back.
totally different from 2009 and first half of 2010.
feels so great to have people around me, serving the corps together.
problems lies in the same area as before, the _ _ _s la, huh.
but this year there were many things done,
many things changed, many things improved.
overall i think the corps leaped forward, especially in terms of morale.
we now have what we ourselves call NTP.
really love NTP's working style.
scold, argue, unhappy, leave at meeting table,
during play, we are just a bunch of friends hanging out, having fun.
grudges dun stay there for long,
just like how siblings work, eh? haha~
really love the NTP relationship.
though, as always, i feel really detached, from the corps and NTP.
because of my low involvement.
sometimes it's really just because i no time, no money, lazy etc, that i dun get involved in the outside of corps stuff.
but the corps stuff, well, blame it on both no time and lazy ba.
i will work harder in the coming year!! :D
Zone
this place, i can't really say too much,
but actually, it feels different already.
much different from the place i know just 2 years ago.
is it cause the people are not there anymore?
or is it because the environment changed too rapidly?
or even just that i learned more and more about this place,
and the more i know, the more different it appears to me?
i'm not too sure either.
but i hope it doesn't continue changing.
it's becoming 面目全非 already, if this keeps up.
things i used to love, i am starting to dislike.
the only thing keeping me there is the people.
and the fact that i believe things can get better, if something is done.
ZGD
ahhh, this particular zone event,
i was the chairman for this event.
a recreational event, nothing major,
but i think, because of the people in the comm,
we managed to come up with a very non-typical ZGD.
it's a Zone Sports Day altogether!
though not the super high standards kind,
we dun even have proper courts or props or anything,
but the turnout was wayyyyyyy better than we thought.
and the participants enjoyed it alot alot alot more.
many many screw ups,
but i think this is the best non-corps SJ event that i was in.
ah, other than ZPN actually.
but generally glad that everyone enjoyed, didn't fail to a certain extent.
yeaps~
ZAP
this year's non-typical zone presentation.
was the emcee for this event.
think i actually created a lot more problems for this committee than help.
feels guilty about it.
but happy that i was part of the event.
learned many things from it as usual.
and our chairman is a great chairman! haha~
yes, had fun working together with the committee.
all great people.
and it's the first time i even bothered to dress up for anything at all.
though as usual, quite fail la huh, looks so cui.
but then lol, i will try harder next time with the help of stylist tay and stylist poh.
hahaha!
and through this i realise, many people are kinda worried and jin zhang over me and how i look.
or rather, people take interest when i try to dress up.
haha! i bet cheryl, aisuan and huiying will feel proud one day if they managed to turn me into a decent looking girl wearing a dress or sth.
hehe~ :P
FAC
this year's FAC is, frustrating. seriously.
we had the best results ever in GESS FAC history.
we won in categories with the heaviest weightage, yet we lost the overall.
not in one, but two categories.
really really frustrating.
yet at the same time, proud of the kids.
goes to show how hard they worked when we were not around,
shows how much they want to win,
they want to be the best and win,
as badly as we want to.
their hearts are really at the correct place,
with the corps.
because they know the glory does not only belong to them,
the have a greater purpose.
their professionalism and commitment is worthy of respect.
let's do better this year, we will hit jackpot.
it's our, dragon, year afterall, right? (:
that's so far for the more general parts of my 2011.
there are still important people i want to talk about, but not in this post.
hoping that 2012 will be a greater year ahead.
not another roller coaster ride.
JA~
so much happened in the course of one year,
i forgot i am just a 19-year-old kid.
that's pretty amusing.
i'm not too sure where to start off actually.
shall do it in bits and pieces.
sorry if it's very all over the place.
that seems to be just how i am, right? hahas~
OTC
fulfilled one of those wishes i once had, to be an OTC instructor.
to be honest, i felt that i did a really terrible job there.
i wouldn't want to be an OTC instructor again until i feel i've grown and improved.
for Tango, i felt that i was never really there for them,
i didn't understand and know them as a group, much less as individuals.
compared to what i did with P4'10, i really did a lousy job for Tango.
I'm sorry.
as for the experience as a whole, it was enriching.
it showed me many flaws i have in me, how i wasn't ready to be an OTC instructor at all.
not there yet, really have to level up alot more.
on the other hand, i was really glad to get to know the group of instructors and trainees from this year's OTC.
all of them are really nice people.
from OTC itself, i also got to know the 3 siaoginnas better.
thought i knew them quite a bit, but i got to know them even more over here.
and feels really touching to see them all grown up.
the feeling i have when i saw them pass out from OTC, totally not what words can describe.
really proud. their best trainee awards were bonuses.
really felt that they made the corps' name felt in HQ level,
that they demonstrated to everyone through their actions, what is tip top quality.
they really earned what they got.
to be honest, i went to the extent of voting against them,
but eventually all instructors felt that they were good.
which makes me even prouder of them.
i will be back to serve OTC, when i improved myself, when i think i am good enough to be an OTC instructor.
ANCO
this is one of the most horrible experiences i had with ANCO.
i've never hated ANCO this much. really.
why, i supposed i don't want to elaborate. too explicit.
have told close group of fellow officers what happened before,
therefore vented out already, i supposed.
wouldn't deny that i really did a very lousy job,
but i believe i was not the only one at fault, and many things weren't even my fault to begin with, so the horrid-ness doesn't only stem from me.
the only thing i am glad about this ANCO is during campfire.
thought my brain was already not working by then,
i only remembered walking around aimlessly, as always,
and complaining about the whole ANCO to you, and you telling me why you're not in this year's ANCO, and all the politics stuff going on.
that was by far, the best part of ANCO.
and probably the lead up to our 110811 ba.
Poly Life
many things happened in 2011.
my results went from bad to worst.
and i really have inter-personal relationship problems i guess.
because i destroyed 3 years of friendship just like that.
i dunno why either.
but i really believe this part is totally and entirely my fault.
i feel stupid, i feel horrible, i feel like banging my head against the wall so much.
but then again, what's done cannot be undone.
and i truly deserve everything.
all done with the academic semesters already,
already 70% through to attachment right now.
attachment has been a nightmare right at the start.
there wasn't a day i didn't get into trouble,
on top of being not punctual everyday,
always felt extremely guilty everyday,
then one day, manager told me i can't afford to be late,
then i adjusted my sleeping patterns,
i am now punctual most of the time.
though would still be late sometimes, but at least not so horrible,
ironically, things picked up since we had problems,
sad to say.
but things are not too bad right now, sometimes it's a breeze.
actually i did ever wonder if i should continue working there.
but no, i thing it's not my kind of a job.
i should start applying for NIE soon.
then apply for relief teaching sessions.
maybe extend like a couple of months with the company, until the relief teaching things finalise ba.
but not a long term goal.
maybe i would even work only until the next intern comes in.
who knows, see how things goes.
but i really kinda like the company culture and environment.
just that i dun like the way some people work there.
so not a long term plan to stay there for long periods.
Family
many things happened this year.
ah ma fell down earlier this year, hit her head.
scared the hell outta me, really,
then i felt first-hand, the fear, of losing ah ma.
i realised that ah ma is already old.
thankfully ah ma recovered after about a week of hospitalisation.
then went home and is happily healthy once again.
then sadly, yeye fell in the toilet in July~August.
ah ma and daddy speculated that yeye wanted to commit suicide
because he was worried about his urinary tract problem.
yeye got hospitalised as well, for a few days only.
a long enduring battle of persuading him to go for the minor surgery for his urinary tract follows his discharge.
and he eventually went for it in Sep~Oct.
now he's happy and healthy and gained back the weight from before.
then ah ma was hospitalised again in Oct due to low potassium.
another scare, somemore during worktime.
thankfully, after 3 days of IV drips, she recovered.
mummy had a breakdown a day before my exams in august.
woke up to her arguing with daddy early in the morning.
she had relapses of her depression since june,
sometimes i feel really frustrated with mummy.
sometimes i just feel angry that she succumb to her depression so easily.
but then again, perhaps she just can't help it.
it was a horrible period leading up to my exams.
she was warded by request into a specialised day care ward for depression patients.
it was a torturous day, really.
if it wasn't for you, well, i doubt i would have gotten through that day.
that day, you really showed me that i can depend on you when i cannot take it.
Corps
this year, i felt the effect of having everyone back.
totally different from 2009 and first half of 2010.
feels so great to have people around me, serving the corps together.
problems lies in the same area as before, the _ _ _s la, huh.
but this year there were many things done,
many things changed, many things improved.
overall i think the corps leaped forward, especially in terms of morale.
we now have what we ourselves call NTP.
really love NTP's working style.
scold, argue, unhappy, leave at meeting table,
during play, we are just a bunch of friends hanging out, having fun.
grudges dun stay there for long,
just like how siblings work, eh? haha~
really love the NTP relationship.
though, as always, i feel really detached, from the corps and NTP.
because of my low involvement.
sometimes it's really just because i no time, no money, lazy etc, that i dun get involved in the outside of corps stuff.
but the corps stuff, well, blame it on both no time and lazy ba.
i will work harder in the coming year!! :D
Zone
this place, i can't really say too much,
but actually, it feels different already.
much different from the place i know just 2 years ago.
is it cause the people are not there anymore?
or is it because the environment changed too rapidly?
or even just that i learned more and more about this place,
and the more i know, the more different it appears to me?
i'm not too sure either.
but i hope it doesn't continue changing.
it's becoming 面目全非 already, if this keeps up.
things i used to love, i am starting to dislike.
the only thing keeping me there is the people.
and the fact that i believe things can get better, if something is done.
ZGD
ahhh, this particular zone event,
i was the chairman for this event.
a recreational event, nothing major,
but i think, because of the people in the comm,
we managed to come up with a very non-typical ZGD.
it's a Zone Sports Day altogether!
though not the super high standards kind,
we dun even have proper courts or props or anything,
but the turnout was wayyyyyyy better than we thought.
and the participants enjoyed it alot alot alot more.
many many screw ups,
but i think this is the best non-corps SJ event that i was in.
ah, other than ZPN actually.
but generally glad that everyone enjoyed, didn't fail to a certain extent.
yeaps~
ZAP
this year's non-typical zone presentation.
was the emcee for this event.
think i actually created a lot more problems for this committee than help.
feels guilty about it.
but happy that i was part of the event.
learned many things from it as usual.
and our chairman is a great chairman! haha~
yes, had fun working together with the committee.
all great people.
and it's the first time i even bothered to dress up for anything at all.
though as usual, quite fail la huh, looks so cui.
but then lol, i will try harder next time with the help of stylist tay and stylist poh.
hahaha!
and through this i realise, many people are kinda worried and jin zhang over me and how i look.
or rather, people take interest when i try to dress up.
haha! i bet cheryl, aisuan and huiying will feel proud one day if they managed to turn me into a decent looking girl wearing a dress or sth.
hehe~ :P
FAC
this year's FAC is, frustrating. seriously.
we had the best results ever in GESS FAC history.
we won in categories with the heaviest weightage, yet we lost the overall.
not in one, but two categories.
really really frustrating.
yet at the same time, proud of the kids.
goes to show how hard they worked when we were not around,
shows how much they want to win,
they want to be the best and win,
as badly as we want to.
their hearts are really at the correct place,
with the corps.
because they know the glory does not only belong to them,
the have a greater purpose.
their professionalism and commitment is worthy of respect.
let's do better this year, we will hit jackpot.
it's our, dragon, year afterall, right? (:
that's so far for the more general parts of my 2011.
there are still important people i want to talk about, but not in this post.
hoping that 2012 will be a greater year ahead.
not another roller coaster ride.
JA~
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