Feeling totally 心痛 right now for jie.
The only positive thing is that for them it was more of a right person at the wrong time thing.
Then again this may also be a double edged sword that cause them more pain.
Feel really wasted for them.
But i guess in a way, this will make them become stronger and grow further from there.
I really do hope that, if they were meant to be, let them grow and learn and mature, and let them come together again in the future.
Somehow i just felt like for them, it's like an author's unfinished book.
An uncompleted story.
But at the very least, they will still stay close friends just like before.
I just really hope they opened up their hearts to each other and know full well how the other felt and thought.
If they didn't, it would be too similar.
Then again, they brought me back to thinking about what happened.
While i know myself enough now to understand that what happened was merely something like a mirage and that i didn't even feel as much "like" for 3ya as i thought i did, i somehow do doubt myself.
Maybe it's because i feel like a child who was given up on without knowing what mistake i made.
It felt like 3ya was a teacher who was exasperated enough to give up and didn't even bother enlightening me what went wrong.
And leehom's 你不知道的事 ever got me thinking whether 3ya did it all for a reason.
Or i made too many assumptions about too many things that things turned out this way.
But after so much all these months, coming to terms with it and stop thinking is the best way out.
It is pretty much very obvious that it was all not meant to be.
And it wasn't like it was love. Maybe it didn't even felt like like. HAHA.
Overcoming things really makes ppl stronger, inside out.
Fell in love with this particular song by Kelly Clarkson.
Very motivational and all.
The dance is kinda silly though. But nice and simple song.
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, Stand a little taller"
11/17/12
and i am left thinking.
Am a little tired from all the translating for the fan community.
So here i am, trying to blog several days' worth of fatigue away.
Yes, several days' worth of fatigue.
A day in my life doesn't consist of much things, but i have no idea whey i feel tired.
Must be the optimism slipping away from me.
Had fun playing tennis today with OT5.
Kinda wasted that Esther's not there.
During the tennis, notifications came on my phone.
And a particular fb msg totally left me "zzzzzz"
As usual, ask before doing anything.
Asked. what i received were pretty 置身事外 answers.
Didn't feel too good about it.
Yes, small matter but i'm pretty sure it will affect certain operations and the way things are done.
And yet while i know those response were pretty much harmless humour or something along that line, it made me feel a little upset.
Not frustrated-angry-explosive kinda upset.
Just ebbing pain and feeling abandoned.
And i wonder why is it that such things always happen to me.
Why am i always contact point for such shit.
Why did that fb msg have to come to me.
Really feel like running away there and then.
All these isn't a show of "we are capable and we don't need you"
It's just more of, hey, we take ownership over here and we can't have 2 or 3 systems of teaching going on at the same time.
Everyone will get confused if that happens.
Well, maybe it will benefit us to have people like that come over and teach.
But i rather we try and we fall and we learn all as one. Together.
2012 didn't go well with much interference from a certain concerned trainer.
I honestly don't want 2013 to be a repeat.
To go through sticky situation once is bad enough.
To let that happen with us again once more is a failure.
Failure on my part as an Officer, as a senior and as a trainer.
But the response i receive just now seems to make me feel that i am alone on that.
Let's just see how it goes.
And while on that topic,
It just frustrates me that so much emphasis is placed on the competition.
2012 is not a good year for us.
Competitions Competitions Competitions.
We compete but none of them juniors are competent.
And their failure reflects our failure.
Yes we cannot afford to lose time.
But what we are losing is far greater than time.
And then we get frustrated over why them juniors are like that.
Why during the camp in June we can't even name 1 person from us to be commended.
Exactly because we no longer have any development.
The juniors don't grow, don't learn.
They don't get attached to SJ on a corps spirit level anymore.
And not to mention how ridiculous it was that a contingent's worth of boots had to be polished by people who come back.
Honestly, never before in History.
Do we have to go that direction in making history in this place of ours?
I really think it's time to stop and look at what is important.
We're losing too much in comparison to what we think we are gaining.
The mindset is wrong in a top-down manner.
If mindset was wrong in a bottom-up manner there's still a chance we can change.
If it's top-down, well, it's not gonna be that easy, isn't it?
Really. I find that it's time to sit down and talk about it.
We want to achieve a breakthrough, but that should not be at the expense of losing what is uniquely this corps.
If we lose that and eventually lose future generations of leaders,
Please, stop calling ourselves dragon saints.
Because we already lost ourselves and the corps spirit in an attempt to achieve some worthless metal in the form of trophies.
Glory vs Corps Spirit.
I may be wrong. But to me, that Spirit itself matters so much more than empty glory and achievement.
That corps spirit was imbedded in so many batches of juniors,
That corps spirit brought about extraordinary people who were unanimously recognised by officers from other zones in their OTC as exemplary and outstanding.
Those people i am extremely proud of. That proved how great they are.
When I left myself out of voting. When i argued against them instead of for them because of the smallest mistake, they received support from outsiders on how good they are.
No more of such juniors if things go on the way they are now.
No more of such juniors that can make anyone and everyone proud of them.
It's disheartening to feel the way i am feeling now.
barely 3 years ago, i told myself and everyone, until i no longer have time for it, i will be in SJ.
Looking at 3 years later from now, i'm not too sure i want to stay in a corps that is just like any corps.
With people who treat it JUST AS A CCA.
It wouldn't be worth it to stay anymore.
The pain wouldn't be worth it anymore.
Because that spirit is gone. That culture is gone. The very essence of what made it endearing and worth doing anything for is gone.
We've become stronger, better, more glorious, at the same time, we've become disunited, weaker, more undignified and worthless.
We've even lost ourselves along the way.
How pathetic.
So here i am, trying to blog several days' worth of fatigue away.
Yes, several days' worth of fatigue.
A day in my life doesn't consist of much things, but i have no idea whey i feel tired.
Must be the optimism slipping away from me.
Had fun playing tennis today with OT5.
Kinda wasted that Esther's not there.
During the tennis, notifications came on my phone.
And a particular fb msg totally left me "zzzzzz"
As usual, ask before doing anything.
Asked. what i received were pretty 置身事外 answers.
Didn't feel too good about it.
Yes, small matter but i'm pretty sure it will affect certain operations and the way things are done.
And yet while i know those response were pretty much harmless humour or something along that line, it made me feel a little upset.
Not frustrated-angry-explosive kinda upset.
Just ebbing pain and feeling abandoned.
And i wonder why is it that such things always happen to me.
Why am i always contact point for such shit.
Why did that fb msg have to come to me.
Really feel like running away there and then.
All these isn't a show of "we are capable and we don't need you"
It's just more of, hey, we take ownership over here and we can't have 2 or 3 systems of teaching going on at the same time.
Everyone will get confused if that happens.
Well, maybe it will benefit us to have people like that come over and teach.
But i rather we try and we fall and we learn all as one. Together.
2012 didn't go well with much interference from a certain concerned trainer.
I honestly don't want 2013 to be a repeat.
To go through sticky situation once is bad enough.
To let that happen with us again once more is a failure.
Failure on my part as an Officer, as a senior and as a trainer.
But the response i receive just now seems to make me feel that i am alone on that.
Let's just see how it goes.
And while on that topic,
It just frustrates me that so much emphasis is placed on the competition.
2012 is not a good year for us.
Competitions Competitions Competitions.
We compete but none of them juniors are competent.
And their failure reflects our failure.
Yes we cannot afford to lose time.
But what we are losing is far greater than time.
And then we get frustrated over why them juniors are like that.
Why during the camp in June we can't even name 1 person from us to be commended.
Exactly because we no longer have any development.
The juniors don't grow, don't learn.
They don't get attached to SJ on a corps spirit level anymore.
And not to mention how ridiculous it was that a contingent's worth of boots had to be polished by people who come back.
Honestly, never before in History.
Do we have to go that direction in making history in this place of ours?
I really think it's time to stop and look at what is important.
We're losing too much in comparison to what we think we are gaining.
The mindset is wrong in a top-down manner.
If mindset was wrong in a bottom-up manner there's still a chance we can change.
If it's top-down, well, it's not gonna be that easy, isn't it?
Really. I find that it's time to sit down and talk about it.
We want to achieve a breakthrough, but that should not be at the expense of losing what is uniquely this corps.
If we lose that and eventually lose future generations of leaders,
Please, stop calling ourselves dragon saints.
Because we already lost ourselves and the corps spirit in an attempt to achieve some worthless metal in the form of trophies.
Glory vs Corps Spirit.
I may be wrong. But to me, that Spirit itself matters so much more than empty glory and achievement.
That corps spirit was imbedded in so many batches of juniors,
That corps spirit brought about extraordinary people who were unanimously recognised by officers from other zones in their OTC as exemplary and outstanding.
Those people i am extremely proud of. That proved how great they are.
When I left myself out of voting. When i argued against them instead of for them because of the smallest mistake, they received support from outsiders on how good they are.
No more of such juniors if things go on the way they are now.
No more of such juniors that can make anyone and everyone proud of them.
It's disheartening to feel the way i am feeling now.
barely 3 years ago, i told myself and everyone, until i no longer have time for it, i will be in SJ.
Looking at 3 years later from now, i'm not too sure i want to stay in a corps that is just like any corps.
With people who treat it JUST AS A CCA.
It wouldn't be worth it to stay anymore.
The pain wouldn't be worth it anymore.
Because that spirit is gone. That culture is gone. The very essence of what made it endearing and worth doing anything for is gone.
We've become stronger, better, more glorious, at the same time, we've become disunited, weaker, more undignified and worthless.
We've even lost ourselves along the way.
How pathetic.
10/14/12
Frustrated
Honestly speaking, wouldn't be here to add another unhappy post to my blog if i could help it.
Anywhere else is all too open and annoying.
Really, someone out there is out to drive me crazy.
I hate how in the end an extra pair of hands, instead of helping out, ends up creating more jobs for everyone.
How the heck am i supposed to place trust like that?
And not only that, the fluctuations of that person's mood and behaviour really gets on my nerves.
Then again as a human being, i cannot bring myself to cut everything once and for all.
I wonder if there will come a day when i just snap and hurt that person all the same.
This is driving me crazy... like seriously.
I just hope the snapping day comes after the ATC this year.
Sigh~~
Anywhere else is all too open and annoying.
Really, someone out there is out to drive me crazy.
I hate how in the end an extra pair of hands, instead of helping out, ends up creating more jobs for everyone.
How the heck am i supposed to place trust like that?
And not only that, the fluctuations of that person's mood and behaviour really gets on my nerves.
Then again as a human being, i cannot bring myself to cut everything once and for all.
I wonder if there will come a day when i just snap and hurt that person all the same.
This is driving me crazy... like seriously.
I just hope the snapping day comes after the ATC this year.
Sigh~~
8/1/12
Family
Sigh, why does it always seem like i post unhappy stuff?
Oh wells. Ah ma is hospitalised again. Since 25th july.
She's been a little confused and stuff due to alot of complications.
Today's the 3rd consecutive night i am spending with her at TTSH.
I miss my bed. Am really tired. It feels like some kinda SJ camp. My eyeballs are threatening to burst alr. LOLs.
But here i am, blogging cox i wanna keep this moment.
Ah ma's finally sleeping well tonight, snoring peacefully next to me.
Since ytd, i've been feeling this pettiness.
Been PMSing that nobody thinks for me,whether i am fine etc.
Maybe that's the effect from sleeping only about 30 mins proper for the past 2 nights.
With my back aching and all, the devil in me kept whining.
"jie only cares about herself", "nobody bothers about my well-being" etc etc
All those kinda bullshit stuff.
But i suddenly *click* and sorta have some kinda positive thinking just now.
Okay erm, jie came with me today but left not too long ago. Was feeling the pettiness but the positive thinking kicked in and i am glad it did.
I'm thinkingPerhaps it was triggered by the small gentle gestures daddy made today. He was being extra nice to me cox he knows i'm pretty much worn.
Anyways about the positive thinking part, i was telling jie that yes i am pissed that she kinda chickened out. And that i was thinking that both mummy and her are being assholes who cares only about themselves and left me here being worned out by no sleep for 3 nights.
Then i decided to finally reply jie and then i realised, and also told her, that yes i am pissed, i tweeted cox i wanna relief that negative feelings but i dun want to tell you cox it made sense for things to happen this way.
In this situation now, well, i was telling jie that all these overnights is gonna be between her and me. Cox only female caregiver allowed to stay, plus cant expect mummy or all our aunts to stay over. They themselves are old alr.
So like in this situation, there's no choice other than to keep tapping on me.
Cox jie's a nurse. She cannot afford to be unfocused at work.
Whereas me, on the other hand, just ended my work stint and is waiting for another job.
So i was the only and best choice left.
And i didnt want to create unhappiness that's why i didnt say out all my petty unhappiness.
That made me think that perhaps i have matured and really have my positive thinking set into place alr.
To think that the night before, i was about to pick a fight over the same matter.
Anyways i do know that i sound damn random, but i want this positive thinking to be recorded down. So that i will let it become a part of my character next time.
Then i wun pick stupid petty fights with jie again.
Kay sudden end. Haha.
JA~
Oh wells. Ah ma is hospitalised again. Since 25th july.
She's been a little confused and stuff due to alot of complications.
Today's the 3rd consecutive night i am spending with her at TTSH.
I miss my bed. Am really tired. It feels like some kinda SJ camp. My eyeballs are threatening to burst alr. LOLs.
But here i am, blogging cox i wanna keep this moment.
Ah ma's finally sleeping well tonight, snoring peacefully next to me.
Since ytd, i've been feeling this pettiness.
Been PMSing that nobody thinks for me,whether i am fine etc.
Maybe that's the effect from sleeping only about 30 mins proper for the past 2 nights.
With my back aching and all, the devil in me kept whining.
"jie only cares about herself", "nobody bothers about my well-being" etc etc
All those kinda bullshit stuff.
But i suddenly *click* and sorta have some kinda positive thinking just now.
Okay erm, jie came with me today but left not too long ago. Was feeling the pettiness but the positive thinking kicked in and i am glad it did.
I'm thinkingPerhaps it was triggered by the small gentle gestures daddy made today. He was being extra nice to me cox he knows i'm pretty much worn.
Anyways about the positive thinking part, i was telling jie that yes i am pissed that she kinda chickened out. And that i was thinking that both mummy and her are being assholes who cares only about themselves and left me here being worned out by no sleep for 3 nights.
Then i decided to finally reply jie and then i realised, and also told her, that yes i am pissed, i tweeted cox i wanna relief that negative feelings but i dun want to tell you cox it made sense for things to happen this way.
In this situation now, well, i was telling jie that all these overnights is gonna be between her and me. Cox only female caregiver allowed to stay, plus cant expect mummy or all our aunts to stay over. They themselves are old alr.
So like in this situation, there's no choice other than to keep tapping on me.
Cox jie's a nurse. She cannot afford to be unfocused at work.
Whereas me, on the other hand, just ended my work stint and is waiting for another job.
So i was the only and best choice left.
And i didnt want to create unhappiness that's why i didnt say out all my petty unhappiness.
That made me think that perhaps i have matured and really have my positive thinking set into place alr.
To think that the night before, i was about to pick a fight over the same matter.
Anyways i do know that i sound damn random, but i want this positive thinking to be recorded down. So that i will let it become a part of my character next time.
Then i wun pick stupid petty fights with jie again.
Kay sudden end. Haha.
JA~
7/11/12
School Creed
This is our school
Let peace dwell here
Let there be contentment
Let love abide here
Love of one another
Love of mankind
Love of life itself
And love of god
Let us remember
That as many hands build a house
So many hearts make a school
somehow i really miss being a student.
uniform, homework, CCA, eating in class, recess and all that shit.
Damn i'm old already. :/
Let peace dwell here
Let there be contentment
Let love abide here
Love of one another
Love of mankind
Love of life itself
And love of god
Let us remember
That as many hands build a house
So many hearts make a school
somehow i really miss being a student.
uniform, homework, CCA, eating in class, recess and all that shit.
Damn i'm old already. :/
7/9/12
"let there be contentment, let love abide here"
Been quite a while.
very into hand-writing things recently. haha~ but havent really got down to writing things.
Mostly SJ stuff.
been a whirlwind past few weeks. Let's see..
Colleague went on leave for overseas trip.
had to cover her for about 2 weeks. freaking tiring omg. really dun like to have so much to do without knowing the entire situation of which is which. very very unsure of what is going on.
but managed to get the hang of it after about 2 days and went on to settle the shipments and stuff.
didn't post invoices and stuff though, haha. left a huge pile of them for her to settle when she came back today.
thankfully she wasn't fully pissed off. ahahahahaha.
went for training then met weewee to pass her her SJ certs.
she was surprised she still had quite a few of them left in the SJ room. LOLs.
went back home and slack the day away. procrastinating my SJ stuff. :x
then had Kbox Fam meetup!!!
stupid twinnie! never come! hmphs! LOLs.
walked around etc and then end up going home, rest away once again.
Last week has been busy busy busy.
muahahah, got my pay and went to buy stuff online.
never buy too much though. just Minho's maypole shirt and a present for somebody.
shall not be stupid to write it here before i give the present to that friend.
just in case, you never know, she might chance upon my blog. LOLs.
then went to get my set of the couple slippers with deardear!! haha~ Deardear! <3
got a couple of new clothes and finally, redredredred again!!! red wallet, red ipod cover, red phone cover red bag!! wheeeeeee red is <3
had Just Acia meet up and walkwalk with shihui geckngoh and dickson.
teeny tiny weeny surprise for geckngoh!
glad she was happy!! hehe~
then i FINALLY went to Harry Potter exhibit with Ying and Derrick.
tbh the exhibit was a little less than impressive.
had fun though, but really, expecting more. haha~
pleasantly surprised by the initial portion of the exhibit though!
went for the multi racial CPR event on saturday.
spent so much on cabbing. emo. :(
oh wells, scrimp and save from now onwards bahhh
as a form of dieting also, muahahahah.
had fun for the event though, hearing the aunties and uncles' stories. haha~
oh and "niao cb", "messtin face" hahahahhaha~
deardear unnie and twinnie will know what's all that.
managed to get some SJ work done.
though still many left undone.
oh wells. i shall be a hardworking and responsible PTX this week.
clear 'em all and i dun have to be guilt-tripped everytime.
LOLs.
this week will be fun as well,
having dinner with twinnie and getting present for benson's 21st tmr,
going to benson's 21st on saturday night,
and most importantly, going for movie with daddy mummy and dandan on sunday afternoon!!!
when was my last family outing? months ago i think? omg. :((((((((
wants to go visit ah ma soon too~~~~~
and i am totally looking forward to ending work on 31st july.
maybe i reached my capacity over here already.
but i know this place is really, really really cannot stay one.
zomg.
looking forward to be freed~
august come fast!!!
ah and another target would be to save and save and save!
save for upcoming bdays, as well as a possible taiwan trip (or maybe some other country) with Ying and Derrick and idk who else we might ask!
wheeeeeee
ohhhh mummy daddy and dandan are going to china for 1 month plus in oct/nov!!
wanted to go but wells, is 100% confident i wouldn't be able to save enough for the trip on time.
and 1 month plus in PRC? uhhh hmmmms. hehehheheheh.
rather stay in SG with jie.
maybe i can tell daddy mummy early on, then invite OT5 & Kbox fam & weewee they all for a stayover!
though i would prolly have to do alot of housework during that period of time...
but oh wells! hahhaha~
looking forward to it!
random thought the other day,
was thinking how, hanging around ppl like say, Derrick, Ying and weewee and all,
i do sometimes feel so shortsighted, shallow and stupid.
i dun mind feeling that way though.
i just feel that i need to improve myself. alot.
so that i am not so narrow-minded and shallow and all.
haha~
wells, actually this post sounds so stupid and sec sch-ish.
but nvm uh, my blog is for my own reading only.
so not an issue! hehe~ cox no readers. (Y)
can't believe i am 20 already. omg.
growing up is such a pain sometimes.
growing fat is another.
HAHA!
JA~~~
very into hand-writing things recently. haha~ but havent really got down to writing things.
Mostly SJ stuff.
been a whirlwind past few weeks. Let's see..
Colleague went on leave for overseas trip.
had to cover her for about 2 weeks. freaking tiring omg. really dun like to have so much to do without knowing the entire situation of which is which. very very unsure of what is going on.
but managed to get the hang of it after about 2 days and went on to settle the shipments and stuff.
didn't post invoices and stuff though, haha. left a huge pile of them for her to settle when she came back today.
thankfully she wasn't fully pissed off. ahahahahaha.
went for training then met weewee to pass her her SJ certs.
she was surprised she still had quite a few of them left in the SJ room. LOLs.
went back home and slack the day away. procrastinating my SJ stuff. :x
then had Kbox Fam meetup!!!
stupid twinnie! never come! hmphs! LOLs.
walked around etc and then end up going home, rest away once again.
Last week has been busy busy busy.
muahahah, got my pay and went to buy stuff online.
never buy too much though. just Minho's maypole shirt and a present for somebody.
shall not be stupid to write it here before i give the present to that friend.
just in case, you never know, she might chance upon my blog. LOLs.
then went to get my set of the couple slippers with deardear!! haha~ Deardear! <3
got a couple of new clothes and finally, redredredred again!!! red wallet, red ipod cover, red phone cover red bag!! wheeeeeee red is <3
had Just Acia meet up and walkwalk with shihui geckngoh and dickson.
teeny tiny weeny surprise for geckngoh!
glad she was happy!! hehe~
then i FINALLY went to Harry Potter exhibit with Ying and Derrick.
tbh the exhibit was a little less than impressive.
had fun though, but really, expecting more. haha~
pleasantly surprised by the initial portion of the exhibit though!
went for the multi racial CPR event on saturday.
spent so much on cabbing. emo. :(
oh wells, scrimp and save from now onwards bahhh
as a form of dieting also, muahahahah.
had fun for the event though, hearing the aunties and uncles' stories. haha~
oh and "niao cb", "messtin face" hahahahhaha~
deardear unnie and twinnie will know what's all that.
managed to get some SJ work done.
though still many left undone.
oh wells. i shall be a hardworking and responsible PTX this week.
clear 'em all and i dun have to be guilt-tripped everytime.
LOLs.
this week will be fun as well,
having dinner with twinnie and getting present for benson's 21st tmr,
going to benson's 21st on saturday night,
and most importantly, going for movie with daddy mummy and dandan on sunday afternoon!!!
when was my last family outing? months ago i think? omg. :((((((((
wants to go visit ah ma soon too~~~~~
and i am totally looking forward to ending work on 31st july.
maybe i reached my capacity over here already.
but i know this place is really, really really cannot stay one.
zomg.
looking forward to be freed~
august come fast!!!
ah and another target would be to save and save and save!
save for upcoming bdays, as well as a possible taiwan trip (or maybe some other country) with Ying and Derrick and idk who else we might ask!
wheeeeeee
ohhhh mummy daddy and dandan are going to china for 1 month plus in oct/nov!!
wanted to go but wells, is 100% confident i wouldn't be able to save enough for the trip on time.
and 1 month plus in PRC? uhhh hmmmms. hehehheheheh.
rather stay in SG with jie.
maybe i can tell daddy mummy early on, then invite OT5 & Kbox fam & weewee they all for a stayover!
though i would prolly have to do alot of housework during that period of time...
but oh wells! hahhaha~
looking forward to it!
random thought the other day,
was thinking how, hanging around ppl like say, Derrick, Ying and weewee and all,
i do sometimes feel so shortsighted, shallow and stupid.
i dun mind feeling that way though.
i just feel that i need to improve myself. alot.
so that i am not so narrow-minded and shallow and all.
haha~
wells, actually this post sounds so stupid and sec sch-ish.
but nvm uh, my blog is for my own reading only.
so not an issue! hehe~ cox no readers. (Y)
can't believe i am 20 already. omg.
growing up is such a pain sometimes.
growing fat is another.
HAHA!
JA~~~
6/25/12
I am just a whiner
Title says this post is gonna be a venting post.
After a whirlwind that is June, i am here feeling very lost.
I wonder what did i do with my life, and where i spent my time on.
Started June with FAC, results remains as per past years'.
glad that there is a change in attitude of the people in corps.
At least there wun be war.
No need to fight war.
My own feelings towards this whole issue is like some roller coaster.
From initial stunned, to frustration, then coming to terms with it.
I just hope we dun leave. Really. I dun see any other place that is as good as we are now.
SJ would be half different if we went elsewhere. :/
Then came ANCO.
totally guilty and frustrated with myself for this year.
I am such a loser.
It really made me think if i am even capable of being in the committee.
It affected me so much so that i feel that maybe i rushed into wanting to be an officer.
I feel that i am such a lousy officer that i cannot stand myself.
I am so so disappointed that i am not improving.
No, to be exact, i haven't been improving the past few years.
I've learned and learned and learned. I'm no longer a newbie.
Yet i haven't improved. Not at all.
I feel that instead, i slipped and got from bad to worse.
This is really really frustrating.
I feel that i am such a NATO person. such a loser. so terrible that i do not deserve to be an officer.
That i should leave.
It is this bad.
But that makes me a quitter.
Someone who creates shit and leave just like that and people have to clear my shit.
And therefore i am not quitting.
Not yet.
Not until i have atoned for my sins.
I just really hope that i do not create more and more problems.
Cox that way, it would be worse than if i left.
Recently i've been really cranky as well.
After reaching home, bathing and all, on comp, come online. barely do anything and then i fell asleep either at the table or on jie's bed.
and i wouldn't even realise i fell asleep until Jie come to wake me up and make me go to my own bed.
I dun even know what is wrong with me.
Not like i didn't sleep. Not like i did anything that is particularly tiring.
Idk what i am doing and time just slipped by, just like that.
And despite sleeping that much, i still feel so very tired.
It's just a horrible horrible feeling.
I hope this doesn't mean i have some health issues.
And i seriously dunno what is wrong with me.
I have become totally insensitive and inconsiderate.
There is something really really wrong with me.
And this proved to be horrible.
Made weewee upset and all.
that i dun even know how to talk to her or start a conversation and all.
Almost quarrel with Esther the other day too.
What's happening to me, really.
I think i have some time bomb or some devil living inside of me.
To be honest, many many times, a soft voice just speaks inside of me.
Everytime friends or people around me tells me to do something etc.
Normal me will naturally just say yes and go the extra mile for them.
Got no problems with that.
But time to time, small small small small small things
like for example,
friends constantly planning for meetups at 5pm, 4pm on weekdays, or just asking me "eh, you working arh", "what time you end work" or asking to meet up at 6pm at somewhere when i end work at 6pm, and all the etc etc stuff, it just cranks me up.
That small voice inside me just feels so goddamn angry and frustrated.
It always tells me "wtf is wrong with you people. How many times do you want me to repeat that i am working at this temp job until End July, and that it is freaking 9-6 mon to fri"
I know, i am being oh so self-centred.
Who the hell would remember everyone else's schedule.
And to be honest, i think it's not like i told someone alot of times.
It is more like i told many people once or twice, but it feels like i've repeated myself umpteen times.
And that small voice would just burst and get angry at the corner of my brain.
It's not that i feel frustrated at my friends or anything.
I am alright with all of them. In fact i love all of them, because they are all wonderful people who accepts me for who i am, and are always encouraging.
People around me are all fantastic. I say this and i really mean it 100%.
Idk what kinda syndrome this is, but it's just so scary to me sometimes.
I am kinda really scared that i will suddenly burst at my friends and turn into some sorta ingrate.
I dun want that to happen. Really. Cox I dun wanna lose all these fantastic and great people in my life.
Maybe i should and i need to see some counsellor or psychiatrist.
I may have some emotional issues.
All these negative emotions aside, i am grateful for wonderful people in my life.
Great people whom i am meeting in life.
had fun meeting up with people, meeting people in ANCO and all.
going out just for a meal, or a meetup somewhere.
It is just fantastic.
Though camps and going out so much made daddy and mummy super anal.
Am damn frustrated with them.
been some time since they last do such things.
Shan't elaborate more. but seriously.
What you want sia.
I not at home you freaking anal and scold and blah blah.
I come home earlier you dun wanna talk to me, you ignore me, treat it as though i am not around.
Then why the fuck you want me to be at home?
So that you can pretend i am not at home but actually i am?
That is oh so anal and irritating and fucked up man.
But nvm, i know it's my fault for making you feel that i dun care about the family and am not at home at all.
I bear with it and i shan't fight back, just cause you are my parents, my family.
And just cox i dun want to upset you further.
I am glad that at least you are still with me. I cherish you both. :/
I just hope this whole episode will just blow over.
So frustrating and irritating and URGHHHHH :(
Sigh. Idk.
I am such a whiner.
Such a loser.
All i do is cause trouble and problems and whine and sulk and be unhappy and i can't even correct my wrongs.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
After a whirlwind that is June, i am here feeling very lost.
I wonder what did i do with my life, and where i spent my time on.
Started June with FAC, results remains as per past years'.
glad that there is a change in attitude of the people in corps.
At least there wun be war.
No need to fight war.
My own feelings towards this whole issue is like some roller coaster.
From initial stunned, to frustration, then coming to terms with it.
I just hope we dun leave. Really. I dun see any other place that is as good as we are now.
SJ would be half different if we went elsewhere. :/
Then came ANCO.
totally guilty and frustrated with myself for this year.
I am such a loser.
It really made me think if i am even capable of being in the committee.
It affected me so much so that i feel that maybe i rushed into wanting to be an officer.
I feel that i am such a lousy officer that i cannot stand myself.
I am so so disappointed that i am not improving.
No, to be exact, i haven't been improving the past few years.
I've learned and learned and learned. I'm no longer a newbie.
Yet i haven't improved. Not at all.
I feel that instead, i slipped and got from bad to worse.
This is really really frustrating.
I feel that i am such a NATO person. such a loser. so terrible that i do not deserve to be an officer.
That i should leave.
It is this bad.
But that makes me a quitter.
Someone who creates shit and leave just like that and people have to clear my shit.
And therefore i am not quitting.
Not yet.
Not until i have atoned for my sins.
I just really hope that i do not create more and more problems.
Cox that way, it would be worse than if i left.
Recently i've been really cranky as well.
After reaching home, bathing and all, on comp, come online. barely do anything and then i fell asleep either at the table or on jie's bed.
and i wouldn't even realise i fell asleep until Jie come to wake me up and make me go to my own bed.
I dun even know what is wrong with me.
Not like i didn't sleep. Not like i did anything that is particularly tiring.
Idk what i am doing and time just slipped by, just like that.
And despite sleeping that much, i still feel so very tired.
It's just a horrible horrible feeling.
I hope this doesn't mean i have some health issues.
And i seriously dunno what is wrong with me.
I have become totally insensitive and inconsiderate.
There is something really really wrong with me.
And this proved to be horrible.
Made weewee upset and all.
that i dun even know how to talk to her or start a conversation and all.
Almost quarrel with Esther the other day too.
What's happening to me, really.
I think i have some time bomb or some devil living inside of me.
To be honest, many many times, a soft voice just speaks inside of me.
Everytime friends or people around me tells me to do something etc.
Normal me will naturally just say yes and go the extra mile for them.
Got no problems with that.
But time to time, small small small small small things
like for example,
friends constantly planning for meetups at 5pm, 4pm on weekdays, or just asking me "eh, you working arh", "what time you end work" or asking to meet up at 6pm at somewhere when i end work at 6pm, and all the etc etc stuff, it just cranks me up.
That small voice inside me just feels so goddamn angry and frustrated.
It always tells me "wtf is wrong with you people. How many times do you want me to repeat that i am working at this temp job until End July, and that it is freaking 9-6 mon to fri"
I know, i am being oh so self-centred.
Who the hell would remember everyone else's schedule.
And to be honest, i think it's not like i told someone alot of times.
It is more like i told many people once or twice, but it feels like i've repeated myself umpteen times.
And that small voice would just burst and get angry at the corner of my brain.
It's not that i feel frustrated at my friends or anything.
I am alright with all of them. In fact i love all of them, because they are all wonderful people who accepts me for who i am, and are always encouraging.
People around me are all fantastic. I say this and i really mean it 100%.
Idk what kinda syndrome this is, but it's just so scary to me sometimes.
I am kinda really scared that i will suddenly burst at my friends and turn into some sorta ingrate.
I dun want that to happen. Really. Cox I dun wanna lose all these fantastic and great people in my life.
Maybe i should and i need to see some counsellor or psychiatrist.
I may have some emotional issues.
All these negative emotions aside, i am grateful for wonderful people in my life.
Great people whom i am meeting in life.
had fun meeting up with people, meeting people in ANCO and all.
going out just for a meal, or a meetup somewhere.
It is just fantastic.
Though camps and going out so much made daddy and mummy super anal.
Am damn frustrated with them.
been some time since they last do such things.
Shan't elaborate more. but seriously.
What you want sia.
I not at home you freaking anal and scold and blah blah.
I come home earlier you dun wanna talk to me, you ignore me, treat it as though i am not around.
Then why the fuck you want me to be at home?
So that you can pretend i am not at home but actually i am?
That is oh so anal and irritating and fucked up man.
But nvm, i know it's my fault for making you feel that i dun care about the family and am not at home at all.
I bear with it and i shan't fight back, just cause you are my parents, my family.
And just cox i dun want to upset you further.
I am glad that at least you are still with me. I cherish you both. :/
I just hope this whole episode will just blow over.
So frustrating and irritating and URGHHHHH :(
Sigh. Idk.
I am such a whiner.
Such a loser.
All i do is cause trouble and problems and whine and sulk and be unhappy and i can't even correct my wrongs.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
6/2/12
:/
Being the oversensitive me, can't help but somehow feel that i am being avoided.
Maybe even, that status was referring to me.
Oh wells, i suppose it's always gonna be like that.
Maybe i was just a pasttime kinda person to begin with. Idk.
Perhaps i can even argue that you are busy, or stressed up, or that there's no more topics to talk about anymore.
Or maybe even, you just start to feel irritated or sian or disgusted by me alr.
Or maybe you were offended by me without me knowing.
I don't know. I have many many other things to stress about that i am tired and worn out and all already. I dun even wanna start thinking about all these anymore.
Sigh, as always, friendship woes appear to me everytime, in the exact same way.
Maybe even, that status was referring to me.
Oh wells, i suppose it's always gonna be like that.
Maybe i was just a pasttime kinda person to begin with. Idk.
Perhaps i can even argue that you are busy, or stressed up, or that there's no more topics to talk about anymore.
Or maybe even, you just start to feel irritated or sian or disgusted by me alr.
Or maybe you were offended by me without me knowing.
I don't know. I have many many other things to stress about that i am tired and worn out and all already. I dun even wanna start thinking about all these anymore.
Sigh, as always, friendship woes appear to me everytime, in the exact same way.
5/29/12
disgusted with myself. idk why.
i think this post might be interesting.
um, dun read if you dun wanna vomit.
3ya reactivated his account and omg, the msgs i sent him last time came back as well,
decided to post this to remind myself i should never write stuff like that.
i feel disgusted with myself. so er xin omg.
i feel so stupid.
But anyways WEEWEE. dun feel so much hate okay? it's like October, November kinda thing.
so last year. LOLs!!!
Let you laugh at my disgusting self. hahas! :P
19 October 2011
Poh Ting Xin
Kah Meng,
I hope you won't just ignore this message. Please read this when you have time.
I'm not sure if I'm exaggerating things here or even if this is the right thing to do, but i really feel that there is something going on between us that we need to talk about.
I just want to ask, is it possible for us to talk about what's happening and what's wrong, when you have the time to spare?
I hope you won't interpret it as me being possessive. I understand that you need your own space, you have more things to do than i can imagine, and you have a choice to do things the way you want it to be. I don't want to force you to say what you don't feel like saying, and i don't intend to make you tell me about every single thing. I just hope that we can at least communicate. Or perhaps, if you really don't have time, maybe you can just let me know you don't have time for me and I stop disturbing you till you have the time again? I really don't know.
I know you are not alright, you are stressed out and have alot to do. And probably, by sending you this message, i am adding on additional stress to you, when you are already really stressed out. I apologise for still sending you this message despite knowing this fact. I really want to know what's happening and what i can do.
I suppose you are angry/upset with me. Because of things i said or done, or perhaps, didn't do.
If that is the case, i would really like to know what is it and to talk about it, please let me know how you feel, what is wrong, what did i do wrong and let me have a chance to make it up to you. Give me another chance, or rather, give us another chance, please?
I am not sure if this is the right thing to do, but i know i regret missing out on 4 years of your life, and i don't want to miss out any part of your life anymore. I don't want to go back to living in parallel lives with you, like the 4 years that I've missed out.
Even if it's problems or things i can't help with at all, I hope you would let me be there for you, just like how you were there for me when i faced problems. Even if telling me doesn't help, I really hope you can let me know how you really feel and let me have the chance to just be by your side.
I don't even mind if you could just vent negative emotions on me. Because at least I know how you really feel. To be honest, i actually don't know what else i can do right now. I have been thinking and thinking about what's happening and what's wrong, and telling myself nothing is wrong, just that you don't have time for me, but on monday, you confirmed that something is really wrong, and i really have to try to know how you are actually feeling right now.
And I just want to say, I miss you, every single day, even before we stopped communicating. Just that in fear of being too mushy, I couldn't bring myself to tell you that I actually do.
Ting Xin
I hope you won't just ignore this message. Please read this when you have time.
I'm not sure if I'm exaggerating things here or even if this is the right thing to do, but i really feel that there is something going on between us that we need to talk about.
I just want to ask, is it possible for us to talk about what's happening and what's wrong, when you have the time to spare?
I hope you won't interpret it as me being possessive. I understand that you need your own space, you have more things to do than i can imagine, and you have a choice to do things the way you want it to be. I don't want to force you to say what you don't feel like saying, and i don't intend to make you tell me about every single thing. I just hope that we can at least communicate. Or perhaps, if you really don't have time, maybe you can just let me know you don't have time for me and I stop disturbing you till you have the time again? I really don't know.
I know you are not alright, you are stressed out and have alot to do. And probably, by sending you this message, i am adding on additional stress to you, when you are already really stressed out. I apologise for still sending you this message despite knowing this fact. I really want to know what's happening and what i can do.
I suppose you are angry/upset with me. Because of things i said or done, or perhaps, didn't do.
If that is the case, i would really like to know what is it and to talk about it, please let me know how you feel, what is wrong, what did i do wrong and let me have a chance to make it up to you. Give me another chance, or rather, give us another chance, please?
I am not sure if this is the right thing to do, but i know i regret missing out on 4 years of your life, and i don't want to miss out any part of your life anymore. I don't want to go back to living in parallel lives with you, like the 4 years that I've missed out.
Even if it's problems or things i can't help with at all, I hope you would let me be there for you, just like how you were there for me when i faced problems. Even if telling me doesn't help, I really hope you can let me know how you really feel and let me have the chance to just be by your side.
I don't even mind if you could just vent negative emotions on me. Because at least I know how you really feel. To be honest, i actually don't know what else i can do right now. I have been thinking and thinking about what's happening and what's wrong, and telling myself nothing is wrong, just that you don't have time for me, but on monday, you confirmed that something is really wrong, and i really have to try to know how you are actually feeling right now.
And I just want to say, I miss you, every single day, even before we stopped communicating. Just that in fear of being too mushy, I couldn't bring myself to tell you that I actually do.
Ting Xin
27 November 2011
Poh Ting Xin
I'm
not trying to make you feel guilty, or trying to achieve anything
through this message. It's just simply a message sent to you that i hope
you would take the time to read. I don't need you to change your mind
or anything, i just simply want to talk to you via this message, that's
all.
Though I might be irritating you yet again with this, but i would just like to tell you that, you are the best, have been the best, is the best and will always be the best.
I'm sorry i failed to cherish you and our relationship, leading to your decision. There might be more to your decision that i can think of, that i would know of, but i believe i am at fault for not cherishing us. I'm also sorry that i'm not good enough. Perhaps i really do not deserve you.
Though i would definitely want to hear your decision directly from you, but i suppose that is not something you would do, therefore, i dun have the right, nor do i want to, force you to tell me. Not that i am even capable of forcing you to do so in the first place.
Thank you so much for the past 4 years of feelings you had for me, never having a change of heart. I really cherish that fact and i am deeply touched when you first told me, and i will always be touched about your unchanging feelings. Thank you also for the great time together. Through it all, You've always made me feel really really loved, all the while. Really thank you.
I believe that saying something outright all the time devalues it, but i really have to tell you one last time that i love you, i still do, and i always will.
You will always be the great Kah Meng i love, and the great Kah Meng sir i respect all the time.
I would not make my problem a public problem, and i would not make my problem your problem. So no worries, if breaking up is what you want, i would respect you and your decision and not make a mess out of everything. I would let go, even if i don't want to. Cause nothing good comes out of clinging on when one side has already decided to let go.
Do take good care of yourself, i do hope that even though you decided that we should end this relationship, we can still be friends.
Friends don't avoid each other, you see. So i really hope you wouldn't avoid me. I will learn to draw a line and not go overboard, so please, i do hope we can remain friends even if you want to break up.
Just to make it clear, you don't owe me anything, and i wouldn't make things seem like you do. So no worries, Tarnishing your reputation or making you seem like the bad guy is, and will never be something i want, and will never be something i would do.
All the best to you in all aspects of your life. Do hope in the near future, you will find someone better, someone who truly deserves you, someone who will be your best, for the rest of your life.
Be safe, be happy from the bottom of your heart. You are really the best, always. (:
Though I might be irritating you yet again with this, but i would just like to tell you that, you are the best, have been the best, is the best and will always be the best.
I'm sorry i failed to cherish you and our relationship, leading to your decision. There might be more to your decision that i can think of, that i would know of, but i believe i am at fault for not cherishing us. I'm also sorry that i'm not good enough. Perhaps i really do not deserve you.
Though i would definitely want to hear your decision directly from you, but i suppose that is not something you would do, therefore, i dun have the right, nor do i want to, force you to tell me. Not that i am even capable of forcing you to do so in the first place.
Thank you so much for the past 4 years of feelings you had for me, never having a change of heart. I really cherish that fact and i am deeply touched when you first told me, and i will always be touched about your unchanging feelings. Thank you also for the great time together. Through it all, You've always made me feel really really loved, all the while. Really thank you.
I believe that saying something outright all the time devalues it, but i really have to tell you one last time that i love you, i still do, and i always will.
You will always be the great Kah Meng i love, and the great Kah Meng sir i respect all the time.
I would not make my problem a public problem, and i would not make my problem your problem. So no worries, if breaking up is what you want, i would respect you and your decision and not make a mess out of everything. I would let go, even if i don't want to. Cause nothing good comes out of clinging on when one side has already decided to let go.
Do take good care of yourself, i do hope that even though you decided that we should end this relationship, we can still be friends.
Friends don't avoid each other, you see. So i really hope you wouldn't avoid me. I will learn to draw a line and not go overboard, so please, i do hope we can remain friends even if you want to break up.
Just to make it clear, you don't owe me anything, and i wouldn't make things seem like you do. So no worries, Tarnishing your reputation or making you seem like the bad guy is, and will never be something i want, and will never be something i would do.
All the best to you in all aspects of your life. Do hope in the near future, you will find someone better, someone who truly deserves you, someone who will be your best, for the rest of your life.
Be safe, be happy from the bottom of your heart. You are really the best, always. (:
DISGUSTING MUCH RIGHT?
i know. hahahah~
i feel so stupid looking at such stuff after like half a year.
um, no harm intended. just like to express my disgust at my own words.
eheh.
that's all. enough puking. LOLs.
JA~
5/28/12
random ramblings
Been busy busy busy the past week. will be busy busy busy in the coming weeks too.
To be honest, i feel guilty towards my family alr.
but then again, i cannot dun do what i am supposed to do also, right?
wells wells.
been kinda sick. i suppose it originated from my sinus or sth.
hates the feeling of having my ears blocked. sians.
and now comes the semi-stuck phlegm.
i begin to wonder am i starting to feel the strain from everything or what? haha.
sian. i missed the Army Open House, totally,
wanted to go over after ANCO meeting yesterday, but ended up eating dinner with Arens, Unnie and Hui Ying, and going to drink beer somewhere near HQ(thanks Arens! hahahas~)
Sorry Twinnie! ps you in the end. Wells um, i supposed you had training in being a gooseberry.
hehehes~
went to Ksuite with cousins(thanks Daniel! LOLs) and had fun singing.
then heard this song that they chose to sing.
the lyrics made me think about a not-so-pleasant someone.
LOLs okay, i thought about, maybe the lyrics might have been how 3ya felt at that time.
But oh wells, not that i mind alot la huh, over alr.
Not like i yearn for things to work out.
In fact, in retrospective, our r/s really couldn't have worked out properly.
I dunno why, but i am kinda sure that it wouldn't, even if what happened didn't happened.
Anyhow, it's this nice song:
王力宏「你不知道的事」
the busy me is also a sensitive mess.
but then again, i think maybe i am, like what derrick says, a weirdo. haha~
but aiya, it's okay, as long as i remember that i am not the only tired one and not the most tired one, i can carry on.
Even if i am, i would and should think that i am not.
It's not being delusional. It is just putting yourself smaller.
like what weewee says, when people are out in the cold, suffering from famine and having issues with surviving till the next day,
you know you shouldn't be exclaiming out loud how you are suffering from all your first world shitty problems.
At least you are in a welfare enough environment to actually have those first world shitty problems.
That's why we shouldn't be whining.
Actually i think we should reflect and repent and do our best such that we do not waste the privilege that we enjoy.
oh, and i really really have to do up my appeal soon.
or rather, NOW.
if not i would never stand a chance (not like doing it earlier gives me chances, but at least i show that i am gan cheong)
wells, even if i end up failing again, i will try to get into diploma and then go to degree from there.
longer route la, abit impractical and waste time.
But at least i am moving towards where i wanna be, where i wanna go.
So yeahhhh at least i know i wouldn't let go of what i wanna do anymore. (:
Actually, if you asked me what i wanna be this life,
i think the most important thing i wanna be in this life would be someone who brings optimism to people around me.
yes la, i am some emo shit and kinda really self-centred and selfish and can't make up my fickle-minded self kinda person.
And i'm also not kind enough to sign up for those overseas program to go to third world countries to help them rebuild. (actually maybe i would, idk, but i have issues with dirty toilets. yes i am such a whiner and irritatingly selfish shit)
But at the very least, i wanna make people feel positive. like empowering them with sunshine.
It sounds stupid, and maybe it is,
but i feel happy when i can be someone who my friends and family turn to.
Or when my juniors feel enthusiasm and optimism from me.
It's as though i help them turned on the lights.
It's a warm fuzzy nice feeling that i really like. hehes~
But that is not much of an aspiration. hurhur.
Aiya nvm, by age 35, if i'm not married, i will save enough money to open a nursery/student care
Twinnie, sponsorship please. Thank You!!! :D
Then all of my friends will send their kiddos over!!!
hmmms, that, or maybe if i am freaking poor, i shall be nanny to my friends' kiddos.
wheeeee... the cute babies and todds and kiddos.
Okay i am seriously going on a long loh soh random ramblings(but hey that's the title right?)
Looking forward to this week, with recce trip on Friday night(LOVE the walking!!!)
and FAC on sunday(yay! squadmates coming!!! xD)
right, enough of my lohsohness. haha~
JA~~ (:
To be honest, i feel guilty towards my family alr.
but then again, i cannot dun do what i am supposed to do also, right?
wells wells.
been kinda sick. i suppose it originated from my sinus or sth.
hates the feeling of having my ears blocked. sians.
and now comes the semi-stuck phlegm.
i begin to wonder am i starting to feel the strain from everything or what? haha.
sian. i missed the Army Open House, totally,
wanted to go over after ANCO meeting yesterday, but ended up eating dinner with Arens, Unnie and Hui Ying, and going to drink beer somewhere near HQ(thanks Arens! hahahas~)
Sorry Twinnie! ps you in the end. Wells um, i supposed you had training in being a gooseberry.
hehehes~
went to Ksuite with cousins(thanks Daniel! LOLs) and had fun singing.
then heard this song that they chose to sing.
the lyrics made me think about a not-so-pleasant someone.
LOLs okay, i thought about, maybe the lyrics might have been how 3ya felt at that time.
But oh wells, not that i mind alot la huh, over alr.
Not like i yearn for things to work out.
In fact, in retrospective, our r/s really couldn't have worked out properly.
I dunno why, but i am kinda sure that it wouldn't, even if what happened didn't happened.
Anyhow, it's this nice song:
王力宏「你不知道的事」
the busy me is also a sensitive mess.
but then again, i think maybe i am, like what derrick says, a weirdo. haha~
but aiya, it's okay, as long as i remember that i am not the only tired one and not the most tired one, i can carry on.
Even if i am, i would and should think that i am not.
It's not being delusional. It is just putting yourself smaller.
like what weewee says, when people are out in the cold, suffering from famine and having issues with surviving till the next day,
you know you shouldn't be exclaiming out loud how you are suffering from all your first world shitty problems.
At least you are in a welfare enough environment to actually have those first world shitty problems.
That's why we shouldn't be whining.
Actually i think we should reflect and repent and do our best such that we do not waste the privilege that we enjoy.
oh, and i really really have to do up my appeal soon.
or rather, NOW.
if not i would never stand a chance (not like doing it earlier gives me chances, but at least i show that i am gan cheong)
wells, even if i end up failing again, i will try to get into diploma and then go to degree from there.
longer route la, abit impractical and waste time.
But at least i am moving towards where i wanna be, where i wanna go.
So yeahhhh at least i know i wouldn't let go of what i wanna do anymore. (:
Actually, if you asked me what i wanna be this life,
i think the most important thing i wanna be in this life would be someone who brings optimism to people around me.
yes la, i am some emo shit and kinda really self-centred and selfish and can't make up my fickle-minded self kinda person.
And i'm also not kind enough to sign up for those overseas program to go to third world countries to help them rebuild. (actually maybe i would, idk, but i have issues with dirty toilets. yes i am such a whiner and irritatingly selfish shit)
But at the very least, i wanna make people feel positive. like empowering them with sunshine.
It sounds stupid, and maybe it is,
but i feel happy when i can be someone who my friends and family turn to.
Or when my juniors feel enthusiasm and optimism from me.
It's as though i help them turned on the lights.
It's a warm fuzzy nice feeling that i really like. hehes~
But that is not much of an aspiration. hurhur.
Aiya nvm, by age 35, if i'm not married, i will save enough money to open a nursery/student care
Twinnie, sponsorship please. Thank You!!! :D
Then all of my friends will send their kiddos over!!!
hmmms, that, or maybe if i am freaking poor, i shall be nanny to my friends' kiddos.
wheeeee... the cute babies and todds and kiddos.
Okay i am seriously going on a long loh soh random ramblings(but hey that's the title right?)
Looking forward to this week, with recce trip on Friday night(LOVE the walking!!!)
and FAC on sunday(yay! squadmates coming!!! xD)
right, enough of my lohsohness. haha~
JA~~ (:
5/24/12
sigh
Somehow, i am feeling utterly depressed and suicidal right now.
After looking the comments and such, seriously, i am utterly depressed right now.
I feel like i am gonna hate myself after next sun.
Like seriously.
Feels damn freaking upset.
So upset i could almost kill myself, totally.
5/23/12
Dreams
Dreams. One big vague topic that i'm not really sure what it's all about.
Never really had aspirations.
Ever wanted to be a teacher just cox marking homework seemed fun.
Ever wanted to be a scientist because Mrs Joyce Tan made science so interesting. Loved the microscope when i was a primary four kid.
Wanted to become a Paramedic or some career related to Medical field because of SJ. Also cox of code blue, but SJ more luh.
Wanted to work as some admin staff or some random office worker because it seems fixed timing and pays well.
Now that i'm sorted out my thoughts, i want to be a teacher, because of the environment that teachers work in, and the people teachers work for; students.
sadly, it seems, becoming a teacher isn't as easy as i hoped it will be.
feeling that the future is kinda bleak right now, because of the rejection letter from NTU.
feeling that the future is kinda bleak right now, because of the rejection letter from NTU.
Then again, things happening to people around me is confusing me, with people in the same situation as me but receiving emails from NIE.
I think i'm not gonna wait alr. i'm gonna get help from Cheryl this week and send in my appeal for NIE.
Now is when i really realised that i want this badly, so badly.
Why i dream to be a teacher? beats me. but i suppose working with younger ones is something that really inspires me.
I've always believed that working with younger ones makes you learn something new everytime.
And i've always wanted to become a teacher who doesn't confine my students to the usual norm.
It is not my aim to mold them into whatever bullshit that society perceives as normal or the perfect/good.
I want to become a teacher whom my students can trust, and one who'll give them the space and freedom, as much as possible, to grow into huge strong trees.
I always thought that it is really important to let them grow.
A teacher's job is to prune and lead the seedlings back to the path they want to walk.
Not force them to walk down the path that has been decided for them.
We're not communists, we're not robots. We dun need mass-manufactured kids.
I just really hope all these turns out well, be it via a longer route or directly.
I am willing to fight for it. I am willing to work hard to get there, to the journey's beginning.
To start off on a path i know i am sure i want to take.
I just really hope that the path wouldn't lead to a dead end.
As much as i want to emo at my rejection from NTU, i will now stand up and fight for something i want.
Like what i keep telling the kids, it's a matter of how badly you want it. When it want it really badly, no matter what, you will give your all, work your hardest and fight for it.
It's time i do what i preach, and give my all.
Let's go PTX! (:5/14/12
5/8/12
awesome May
First of All,
Happy Birthday Jie!!!
Random much but yeahh..
i am glad that i am starting to lose all the crankiness i had previously.
about all the shit i felt and thought about. Maybe i'm not so bothered by it anymore.
So well, that is a good thing, thankfully i am improving alr~~
May seems to be an awesome month ahead!!
looking at my schedule, seems packed. But glad that it is packed. haha~
Would really wanna start the drawing up of schedule thingy with Weewee soon.
It seems uber fun and it will be nice to plot all those outings or dinners etc.
Last Saturday, Cheryl, Yong Qing, Li Hui and Yuan Lin came over to make sushi.
I guess i really suck at hosting friends at home.
Not used to it aye.
Hey you people, be honored that you are my first few guests who came over by invitation!! haha~ kidding luh~~
We made alot alot of sushi that day. Yeah we were kinda excited or sth.
Like some primary school kiddos. LOLs!!!
neeways i think we made too much arh. So end up poor seal has alot to eat. haha~
Hope it was nice? was it? :x hahas~
It was really fun~ thanks people!! hehe~ maybe we can have more of these sessions next time! keke.
Then ANCO finally started off.
Looking at the meeting dates~~ sighhh. hahahahaha~
but okay la. we really dun have time, so yeahhhhh.
Hope this year's camp will be fun~
okay i think it will be. Since teddy bear, derrick, tang jie, jingyew, junwei, desmond, edmund they all are all in the camp. nice to have SJ people whom i know through diff events come together for a camp.
Hmph! whoever makes me angry will be deprived of food!! LOL okay kidding luh huh. hahaha.
Kinda looking forward to it actually. hope it will be a great camp!! :D
looking at this week, it's a busy busy week again!!
cut hair tonight, buy cake for Jie, tmr meeting Cheryl, Thursday is daddy's birthday, may be staying over at twinnie's on Friday, Saturday will be ANCO meeting in the morning followed by KBox Family's outing, Sunday is mama day so maybe we'll celebrate with a meal or sth. packed ttm but nice aye.
Only thing is i hope i wun grow even fatter than i already am...
People keep teasing me or asking me about me growing fat. *cries*
Needa do something about it alr~~ :/
Next week's eventful as well!
Treating at workplace on Tuesday, L02 chalet on Wednesday, Training plus meetup with Shi Hui, Geck Ngoh and Seal on Thursday, then Training cum cousins outing cum OT5 chalet on Saturday.
And 22nd will be my Graduation Ceremony!!!
Somehow i think this is a little mad but it makes May an AWESOME month.
So Twinnie, MAY IS AWESOME! Stop saying that it is a terrible month!!! :(
That's about it now~~
JA~~
Happy Birthday Jie!!!
Random much but yeahh..
i am glad that i am starting to lose all the crankiness i had previously.
about all the shit i felt and thought about. Maybe i'm not so bothered by it anymore.
So well, that is a good thing, thankfully i am improving alr~~
May seems to be an awesome month ahead!!
looking at my schedule, seems packed. But glad that it is packed. haha~
Would really wanna start the drawing up of schedule thingy with Weewee soon.
It seems uber fun and it will be nice to plot all those outings or dinners etc.
Last Saturday, Cheryl, Yong Qing, Li Hui and Yuan Lin came over to make sushi.
I guess i really suck at hosting friends at home.
Not used to it aye.
Hey you people, be honored that you are my first few guests who came over by invitation!! haha~ kidding luh~~
We made alot alot of sushi that day. Yeah we were kinda excited or sth.
Like some primary school kiddos. LOLs!!!
neeways i think we made too much arh. So end up poor seal has alot to eat. haha~
Hope it was nice? was it? :x hahas~
It was really fun~ thanks people!! hehe~ maybe we can have more of these sessions next time! keke.
Then ANCO finally started off.
Looking at the meeting dates~~ sighhh. hahahahaha~
but okay la. we really dun have time, so yeahhhhh.
Hope this year's camp will be fun~
okay i think it will be. Since teddy bear, derrick, tang jie, jingyew, junwei, desmond, edmund they all are all in the camp. nice to have SJ people whom i know through diff events come together for a camp.
Hmph! whoever makes me angry will be deprived of food!! LOL okay kidding luh huh. hahaha.
Kinda looking forward to it actually. hope it will be a great camp!! :D
looking at this week, it's a busy busy week again!!
cut hair tonight, buy cake for Jie, tmr meeting Cheryl, Thursday is daddy's birthday, may be staying over at twinnie's on Friday, Saturday will be ANCO meeting in the morning followed by KBox Family's outing, Sunday is mama day so maybe we'll celebrate with a meal or sth. packed ttm but nice aye.
Only thing is i hope i wun grow even fatter than i already am...
People keep teasing me or asking me about me growing fat. *cries*
Needa do something about it alr~~ :/
Next week's eventful as well!
Treating at workplace on Tuesday, L02 chalet on Wednesday, Training plus meetup with Shi Hui, Geck Ngoh and Seal on Thursday, then Training cum cousins outing cum OT5 chalet on Saturday.
And 22nd will be my Graduation Ceremony!!!
Somehow i think this is a little mad but it makes May an AWESOME month.
So Twinnie, MAY IS AWESOME! Stop saying that it is a terrible month!!! :(
That's about it now~~
JA~~
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