5/29/12

disgusted with myself. idk why.

i think this post might be interesting.
um, dun read if you dun wanna vomit.
3ya reactivated his account and omg, the msgs i sent him last time came back as well,
decided to post this to remind myself i should never write stuff like that.
i feel disgusted with myself. so er xin omg.
i feel so stupid.
But anyways WEEWEE. dun feel so much hate okay? it's like October, November kinda thing.
so last year. LOLs!!! 
Let you laugh at my disgusting self. hahas! :P


19 October 2011
Poh Ting Xin
Kah Meng,

I hope you won't just ignore this message. Please read this when you have time.

I'm not sure if I'm exaggerating things here or even if this is the right thing to do, but i really feel that there is something going on between us that we need to talk about.
I just want to ask, is it possible for us to talk about what's happening and what's wrong, when you have the time to spare?

I hope you won't interpret it as me being possessive. I understand that you need your own space, you have more things to do than i can imagine, and you have a choice to do things the way you want it to be. I don't want to force you to say what you don't feel like saying, and i don't intend to make you tell me about every single thing. I just hope that we can at least communicate. Or perhaps, if you really don't have time, maybe you can just let me know you don't have time for me and I stop disturbing you till you have the time again? I really don't know.


I know you are not alright, you are stressed out and have alot to do. And probably, by sending you this message, i am adding on additional stress to you, when you are already really stressed out. I apologise for still sending you this message despite knowing this fact. I really want to know what's happening and what i can do.


I suppose you are angry/upset with me. Because of things i said or done, or perhaps, didn't do.


If that is the case, i would really like to know what is it and to talk about it, please let me know how you feel, what is wrong, what did i do wrong and let me have a chance to make it up to you. Give me another chance, or rather, give us another chance, please?


I am not sure if this is the right thing to do, but i know i regret missing out on 4 years of your life, and i don't want to miss out any part of your life anymore. I don't want to go back to living in parallel lives with you, like the 4 years that I've missed out.


Even if it's problems or things i can't help with at all, I hope you would let me be there for you, just like how you were there for me when i faced problems. Even if telling me doesn't help, I really hope you can let me know how you really feel and let me have the chance to just be by your side.


I don't even mind if you could just vent negative emotions on me. Because at least I know how you really feel. To be honest, i actually don't know what else i can do right now. I have been thinking and thinking about what's happening and what's wrong, and telling myself nothing is wrong, just that you don't have time for me, but on monday, you confirmed that something is really wrong, and i really have to try to know how you are actually feeling right now.


And I just want to say, I miss you, every single day, even before we stopped communicating. Just that in fear of being too mushy, I couldn't bring myself to tell you that I actually do.


Ting Xin





27 November 2011
Poh Ting Xin
I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, or trying to achieve anything through this message. It's just simply a message sent to you that i hope you would take the time to read. I don't need you to change your mind or anything, i just simply want to talk to you via this message, that's all.

Though I might be irritating you yet again with this, but i would just like to tell you that, you are the best, have been the best, is the best and will always be the best.


I'm sorry i failed to cherish you and our relationship, leading to your decision. There might be more to your decision that i can think of, that i would know of, but i believe i am at fault for not cherishing us. I'm also sorry that i'm not good enough. Perhaps i really do not deserve you.


Though i would definitely want to hear your decision directly from you, but i suppose that is not something you would do, therefore, i dun have the right, nor do i want to, force you to tell me. Not that i am even capable of forcing you to do so in the first place.


Thank you so much for the past 4 years of feelings you had for me, never having a change of heart. I really cherish that fact and i am deeply touched when you first told me, and i will always be touched about your unchanging feelings. Thank you also for the great time together. Through it all, You've always made me feel really really loved, all the while. Really thank you.


I believe that saying something outright all the time devalues it, but i really have to tell you one last time that i love you, i still do, and i always will.

You will always be the great Kah Meng i love, and the great Kah Meng sir i respect all the time.

I would not make my problem a public problem, and i would not make my problem your problem. So no worries, if breaking up is what you want, i would respect you and your decision and not make a mess out of everything. I would let go, even if i don't want to. Cause nothing good comes out of clinging on when one side has already decided to let go.


Do take good care of yourself, i do hope that even though you decided that we should end this relationship, we can still be friends.


Friends don't avoid each other, you see. So i really hope you wouldn't avoid me. I will learn to draw a line and not go overboard, so please, i do hope we can remain friends even if you want to break up.


Just to make it clear, you don't owe me anything, and i wouldn't make things seem like you do. So no worries, Tarnishing your reputation or making you seem like the bad guy is, and will never be something i want, and will never be something i would do.


All the best to you in all aspects of your life. Do hope in the near future, you will find someone better, someone who truly deserves you, someone who will be your best, for the rest of your life.


Be safe, be happy from the bottom of your heart. You are really the best, always. (:




DISGUSTING MUCH RIGHT?
i know. hahahah~
i feel so stupid looking at such stuff after like half a year.
um, no harm intended. just like to express my disgust at my own words.
eheh.

that's all. enough puking. LOLs.
JA~

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