i ever promised myself never to cry for skyblue again.
but tonight, it rained.
it was just too painful.
it cut too deep into me, into my heart.
it hurts alot, it hurt my feelings.
suddenly i felt that i was being a nuisance to you.
i have been pretending to be close to you, when you dun even care about our friendship.
not at all. not even one bit.
because if you bothered, you cared,
you won't just say "just cannot talk, dunno why"
it goes to show how much you dun bother about everything huh?
i was wrong. i saw you wrongly. i thought of the situation wrongly.
it's really painful, i really can't take it.
what the hell am i to you, friend. or rather, twinnie?
so all along, my negative thoughts were right.
and because this came at such a timing, i have to face this all alone.
what a joke i am.
7/9/11
7/7/11
insomnia?
i can't sleep.
right now, it's so late alr.
i dun feel like sleeping?
i'm not tired yet?
or i just can't sleep?
i dunno either.
been regretting the whole of today.
for not getting up when my alarm rang at 6.30.
if i got up, bathe, went to school, i would have enjoyed the trip to the army camp.
and i would have been home by 1+
and would have had the time to finish up all my projects and school work and minutes and whatever rubbish that i had to finish by today.
instead, i chose to sleep, then didn't wake up until 8+ when someone called me,
and then i had to tell them i am sick(honestly i was sick, but not enough for me to be absent. i suck, really i do)
and then i continued sleeping till around 1pm.
then i finally got to waking up and brushing my teeth etc,
and head out of house at 2.30pm to see a doctor at the polyclinic.
wasting money when i dun have enough to get by,
wasting time till 3+.
reaching home at around 4+
and i slacked, rested, whatever.
in the end i got nothing done.
i am wide awake now, probably also due to the fact that i slept too much in the morning.
i really got nothing done today. not one piece of homework or SJ stuff that i am supposed to do.
how lousy a person can i be? extremely.
i hope this doesn't carry on.
and i'm missing alot of things, wallowing in self-pity again.
i feel like dousing myself in ice cold water so that i will wake up my idea.
i have alot of drive, alot of potential.
yet it all stays as that, drive and potential.
it never got down to becoming completion of tasks and carrying out of actions.
never.
can i like just restart the past 3 years of my life? i can't.
and i wonder, how much can i miss you.
how much did i like you.
did i like you so much to still be missing you and thinking about you,
when we aren't even on talking terms?
sometimes i wonder, is it me not taking the initiative to talk to you,
or you just dun talk to me when you dun need anything from me?
like i dun have any 利用价值, you wun bother talking to me?
i dunno.
but i only know that even if that's the case,
it might just be extremely hard for me to bring myself to hate you.
ending off today's post in a really bad mood.
not anger. more of the “细水长流” kinda of unhappy mood.
JA~
right now, it's so late alr.
i dun feel like sleeping?
i'm not tired yet?
or i just can't sleep?
i dunno either.
been regretting the whole of today.
for not getting up when my alarm rang at 6.30.
if i got up, bathe, went to school, i would have enjoyed the trip to the army camp.
and i would have been home by 1+
and would have had the time to finish up all my projects and school work and minutes and whatever rubbish that i had to finish by today.
instead, i chose to sleep, then didn't wake up until 8+ when someone called me,
and then i had to tell them i am sick(honestly i was sick, but not enough for me to be absent. i suck, really i do)
and then i continued sleeping till around 1pm.
then i finally got to waking up and brushing my teeth etc,
and head out of house at 2.30pm to see a doctor at the polyclinic.
wasting money when i dun have enough to get by,
wasting time till 3+.
reaching home at around 4+
and i slacked, rested, whatever.
in the end i got nothing done.
i am wide awake now, probably also due to the fact that i slept too much in the morning.
i really got nothing done today. not one piece of homework or SJ stuff that i am supposed to do.
how lousy a person can i be? extremely.
i hope this doesn't carry on.
and i'm missing alot of things, wallowing in self-pity again.
i feel like dousing myself in ice cold water so that i will wake up my idea.
i have alot of drive, alot of potential.
yet it all stays as that, drive and potential.
it never got down to becoming completion of tasks and carrying out of actions.
never.
can i like just restart the past 3 years of my life? i can't.
and i wonder, how much can i miss you.
how much did i like you.
did i like you so much to still be missing you and thinking about you,
when we aren't even on talking terms?
sometimes i wonder, is it me not taking the initiative to talk to you,
or you just dun talk to me when you dun need anything from me?
like i dun have any 利用价值, you wun bother talking to me?
i dunno.
but i only know that even if that's the case,
it might just be extremely hard for me to bring myself to hate you.
ending off today's post in a really bad mood.
not anger. more of the “细水长流” kinda of unhappy mood.
JA~
7/5/11
the infinite blue sky
i wonder if it's me or anything.
i always like to live in my own little imagination.
ytd was a really rare occurence.
i happened to online and 3yearsago talked to me on msn.
it's the first time i talked to him on msn i guess?
yeah i think so.
unexpectedly, the time we spent talking on msn was same as when we used to talk on the phone.
4 hours plus.
sounds weird, i know. hahas, but yeah.
it's a really nice and warm feeling. the friends kinda feeling. :)
and 3yearsago's unexpected "always nice talking to you" at the end, really surprised me.
i stunned for a moment.
cox i didn't expect that you would say sth like that.
你比以前更温柔了. was what i felt at the moment.
i became quite "high" for a moment.
because i really never expected that you actually found it nice talking to me.
i always had the impression that i am disturbing you when i talk to you.
especially since we stopped talking when you started to become busier back in 2007.
i talked to deardear about this today.
deardear told me that actually i matter more to people than i thought.
i wonder how true that is.
but i shouldn't think too much, because i might end up mattering less to people than i thought.
right deardear? :)
because of what happened last night, it made me think and wonder about some matters.
whether or not i actually do feel something for 3yearsago.
on the long bus trip home from school today,
i realised that, hey, i dun think so.
actually, to be honest, i think i am more inclined towards skyblue.
though i thought i dun have feelings for skyblue anymore,
i think, maybe because of the friendship that can never be repaired,
or maybe i still feel something towards skyblue,
everything about skyblue makes me feel affected still.
and i think i talked too much about skyblue to turtle.
somehow i feel that i am spoiling things that may happen between skyblue and turtle.
i dunno either.
it just felt painful looking at a really blue, cloudless sky,
especially when my itouch chose to play certain songs along the way.
i really need to work harder at this.
to 看开点, learn how to move out of this phase.
i should stop forming any attachment towards skyblue.
there shouldn't be any form of emotional reliance towards skyblue anymore.
i wonder when will the day come that i move out of this stage of myself.
actually, i just really want the friendship back.
well,
as for 3yearsago, i think that, he can become a really good role model for me.
someone i can learn from. and someone i can talk to. someone who will look for me to talk to when he needs to.
a HTHT friend, just like unnie, deardear, erzi they all.
it feels great to be talking to an old friend like that,
it's as though i found someone whom i've lost touch with for a very long time.
after living in parallel lines for 4 years, this is the first time we talk.
i hope we can continue talking as friends like that.
we will, will we, 英明领导者阿公？ hahas. :)
that's all for today.
i think i sound very emo.
am i?
JA~
i always like to live in my own little imagination.
ytd was a really rare occurence.
i happened to online and 3yearsago talked to me on msn.
it's the first time i talked to him on msn i guess?
yeah i think so.
unexpectedly, the time we spent talking on msn was same as when we used to talk on the phone.
4 hours plus.
sounds weird, i know. hahas, but yeah.
it's a really nice and warm feeling. the friends kinda feeling. :)
and 3yearsago's unexpected "always nice talking to you" at the end, really surprised me.
i stunned for a moment.
cox i didn't expect that you would say sth like that.
你比以前更温柔了. was what i felt at the moment.
i became quite "high" for a moment.
because i really never expected that you actually found it nice talking to me.
i always had the impression that i am disturbing you when i talk to you.
especially since we stopped talking when you started to become busier back in 2007.
i talked to deardear about this today.
deardear told me that actually i matter more to people than i thought.
i wonder how true that is.
but i shouldn't think too much, because i might end up mattering less to people than i thought.
right deardear? :)
because of what happened last night, it made me think and wonder about some matters.
whether or not i actually do feel something for 3yearsago.
on the long bus trip home from school today,
i realised that, hey, i dun think so.
actually, to be honest, i think i am more inclined towards skyblue.
though i thought i dun have feelings for skyblue anymore,
i think, maybe because of the friendship that can never be repaired,
or maybe i still feel something towards skyblue,
everything about skyblue makes me feel affected still.
and i think i talked too much about skyblue to turtle.
somehow i feel that i am spoiling things that may happen between skyblue and turtle.
i dunno either.
it just felt painful looking at a really blue, cloudless sky,
especially when my itouch chose to play certain songs along the way.
i really need to work harder at this.
to 看开点, learn how to move out of this phase.
i should stop forming any attachment towards skyblue.
there shouldn't be any form of emotional reliance towards skyblue anymore.
i wonder when will the day come that i move out of this stage of myself.
actually, i just really want the friendship back.
well,
as for 3yearsago, i think that, he can become a really good role model for me.
someone i can learn from. and someone i can talk to. someone who will look for me to talk to when he needs to.
a HTHT friend, just like unnie, deardear, erzi they all.
it feels great to be talking to an old friend like that,
it's as though i found someone whom i've lost touch with for a very long time.
after living in parallel lines for 4 years, this is the first time we talk.
i hope we can continue talking as friends like that.
we will, will we, 英明领导者阿公？ hahas. :)
that's all for today.
i think i sound very emo.
am i?
JA~
7/4/11
hisashiburi
hmmm, i can't believe it's been a few months since i last posted anything here.
to the extend that Sokting asked me why i didn't update my blog.
found a new ranting ground to vent all my emotions to.
maybe this link is a little more public than i thought it is?
hahas~
it has been an eventful half a year since the beginning of 2011.
participated in some stuff, met some new people, made some friends, might have lost some along the way(i do hope i didn't but i think i did? :x)
getting more and more lethargic by the day.
it's psychological, not physical, this feeling of tiredness.
i do sleep you see, actually, speaking of sleep,
i haven't been able to sleep as well as i did last time.
in fear of oversleep-ing(which is a very common occurence since the start of this year)
in deep thoughts of many things.
right now, if i were to draw a diagram of my brain, i might need an entire mahjong paper.
there are many things on my mind right now.
things like post-poly life, internship, deadlines of schoolwork to meet(and as usual, all the backlogs), tests, deadlines of SJ-stuff to meet, financial stuff(wondering where i spent my money), friendship, family, twinnie, 3yearsago, life, alot alot alot.
i've been wondering, have i lived life the way i want it to be?
well, i can say that life has been slightly more eventful than before.
participating in meetups, meals, get-togethers have made me more social than before?
and it makes me feel closer to the people around me. esp dragonsaints~ :)
i need to get to know the younger ones more though.
they barely feel comfortable talking to me, i think?
i hope things continue the way they are, in a positive manner,
i like this feeling of random meetups.
very "just because" kinda feeling.
when i do clear out all the other things in my life from my brain and do a self-reflection of myself, the way i am etc.
i realised that i am actually loner by choice.
because i dunno how to handle situations where i am alone with someone else(guy or girl, sama sama), things tend to get awkward.
i dunno how to handle and i chose not to face it.
and i chose not to try to strike conversations with people.
it's always others taking the initiative, i realised.
but i guess this has been getting better.
and i just need to be more natural and talk about more relevant stuff.
and learn how to handle ending of conversations.
that'll do, for now, i guess?
i am also a loner because i am kinda weird and abnormal ba~
i am constantly in my comfort zone of doing things alone.
like watching movies alone, going cycling alone, going random window shopping on my own, going on random urban walks on my own, always doing things alone.
i haven't been taking the initiative to meet up with anyone and everyone.
that's why i tend to be alone, because i am used to it and i sort of prefer it.
i know i dun have to change it all, but i know a little bit of change,
being slightly more sociable is the way to go.
and with the help of fantastic people like newtenpeople, kbox family, L02, i guess i can do it.
this part of me is a long term bad habit that i need to change.
i always complain that i am lonely, people dun understand me, dun include me,
but hey, that's cox i chose to do things that way.
so yeah. for now, the big change should be to be more sociable. :)
if i were to write down all my thoughts, i probably will have to forgo sleeping time to do so.
so i shall end here today, and update again, maybe by this week, when i have the time.
leaving this for later keeps my blog alive i guess? hahas~
that's all for now~
till i post again,
JA~
to the extend that Sokting asked me why i didn't update my blog.
found a new ranting ground to vent all my emotions to.
maybe this link is a little more public than i thought it is?
hahas~
it has been an eventful half a year since the beginning of 2011.
participated in some stuff, met some new people, made some friends, might have lost some along the way(i do hope i didn't but i think i did? :x)
getting more and more lethargic by the day.
it's psychological, not physical, this feeling of tiredness.
i do sleep you see, actually, speaking of sleep,
i haven't been able to sleep as well as i did last time.
in fear of oversleep-ing(which is a very common occurence since the start of this year)
in deep thoughts of many things.
right now, if i were to draw a diagram of my brain, i might need an entire mahjong paper.
there are many things on my mind right now.
things like post-poly life, internship, deadlines of schoolwork to meet(and as usual, all the backlogs), tests, deadlines of SJ-stuff to meet, financial stuff(wondering where i spent my money), friendship, family, twinnie, 3yearsago, life, alot alot alot.
i've been wondering, have i lived life the way i want it to be?
well, i can say that life has been slightly more eventful than before.
participating in meetups, meals, get-togethers have made me more social than before?
and it makes me feel closer to the people around me. esp dragonsaints~ :)
i need to get to know the younger ones more though.
they barely feel comfortable talking to me, i think?
i hope things continue the way they are, in a positive manner,
i like this feeling of random meetups.
very "just because" kinda feeling.
when i do clear out all the other things in my life from my brain and do a self-reflection of myself, the way i am etc.
i realised that i am actually loner by choice.
because i dunno how to handle situations where i am alone with someone else(guy or girl, sama sama), things tend to get awkward.
i dunno how to handle and i chose not to face it.
and i chose not to try to strike conversations with people.
it's always others taking the initiative, i realised.
but i guess this has been getting better.
and i just need to be more natural and talk about more relevant stuff.
and learn how to handle ending of conversations.
that'll do, for now, i guess?
i am also a loner because i am kinda weird and abnormal ba~
i am constantly in my comfort zone of doing things alone.
like watching movies alone, going cycling alone, going random window shopping on my own, going on random urban walks on my own, always doing things alone.
i haven't been taking the initiative to meet up with anyone and everyone.
that's why i tend to be alone, because i am used to it and i sort of prefer it.
i know i dun have to change it all, but i know a little bit of change,
being slightly more sociable is the way to go.
and with the help of fantastic people like newtenpeople, kbox family, L02, i guess i can do it.
this part of me is a long term bad habit that i need to change.
i always complain that i am lonely, people dun understand me, dun include me,
but hey, that's cox i chose to do things that way.
so yeah. for now, the big change should be to be more sociable. :)
if i were to write down all my thoughts, i probably will have to forgo sleeping time to do so.
so i shall end here today, and update again, maybe by this week, when i have the time.
leaving this for later keeps my blog alive i guess? hahas~
that's all for now~
till i post again,
JA~
2/7/11
3yearsago
i guess it's just me being over-sensitive and overly mindful.
but it just seems damn weird.
there's nothing to begin with, and nothing left alr.
but 3yearsago seems so awkward.
well, ANCO'10 wasn't anyway better either.
but hmmm, it's just damn awkward?
3yearsago is someone i respect alot and look up to.
but heh, it's just so weird and awkward to even try to talk to 3yearsago now.
let's see if 3yearsago will be going for _ _ _
if 3yearsago went, i guess maybe somehow or rather might be able to resolve the awkwardness.
awkward max. seriously.
okay i am just blabbering away about the sense of awkwardness today.
3yearsago is just that particular biggest piece of the awkward pie.
JA~
but it just seems damn weird.
there's nothing to begin with, and nothing left alr.
but 3yearsago seems so awkward.
well, ANCO'10 wasn't anyway better either.
but hmmm, it's just damn awkward?
3yearsago is someone i respect alot and look up to.
but heh, it's just so weird and awkward to even try to talk to 3yearsago now.
let's see if 3yearsago will be going for _ _ _
if 3yearsago went, i guess maybe somehow or rather might be able to resolve the awkwardness.
awkward max. seriously.
okay i am just blabbering away about the sense of awkwardness today.
3yearsago is just that particular biggest piece of the awkward pie.
JA~
1/29/11
hated
so what happens if you become fully conscious that those you are working with hates you.
to the extend that they voice out as a request not to have you train them?
what do you do with such feelings?
what happens?
what are you supposed to do next?
and when it's the love of your life that you are serving?
i wondered if everything was a mistake.
i wondered if i made a big big mistake.
i wondered if i was actually a mistake.
to begin with, my existence was a mistake.
and then i wondered if being a 17/09 only brough harm to the corps?
rather than hurt, upset, sad or angry, i am feeling lost.
lost because i dunno how to handle all these thoughts and feelings.
not thinking about them wun make the problems go away.
pretending it's alright wun make things better either.
bringing it up as a problem is too awkward, because this is my own problem.
telling someone seems to be too much of a burden.
so my only solution was typing here.
but this doesn't solve the problems either.
i dunno how things are going to turn out to be but i can only see how things goes.
i will try to stop myself from thinking too much.
because if i do, then i would be inefficient and create even more problems.
to the extend that they voice out as a request not to have you train them?
what do you do with such feelings?
what happens?
what are you supposed to do next?
and when it's the love of your life that you are serving?
i wondered if everything was a mistake.
i wondered if i made a big big mistake.
i wondered if i was actually a mistake.
to begin with, my existence was a mistake.
and then i wondered if being a 17/09 only brough harm to the corps?
rather than hurt, upset, sad or angry, i am feeling lost.
lost because i dunno how to handle all these thoughts and feelings.
not thinking about them wun make the problems go away.
pretending it's alright wun make things better either.
bringing it up as a problem is too awkward, because this is my own problem.
telling someone seems to be too much of a burden.
so my only solution was typing here.
but this doesn't solve the problems either.
i dunno how things are going to turn out to be but i can only see how things goes.
i will try to stop myself from thinking too much.
because if i do, then i would be inefficient and create even more problems.
1/25/11
long time no see
it's be decades since i last posted.
LOL. cox i kinda just can't be bothered ba i guess?
in the end, my intention to do 2010 reflection failed again.
well wells,
i just can't be bothered to do it now,
or maybe i didn't want to reflect on certain things also.
but anyway, i gave up intention on that alr.
life has been, well, boring i guess?
but life is less tedious in this year.
perhaps cox i am more and more into the mood to do homework and stuff
and perhaps cox i am more and more into sleeping early and taking naps.
LOL.
i touch my lappie less than last time.
alot less.
that is a good sign.
i shall be a lappie camper come holidays.
the whole period of time from my december break till now has been,
let me see,
i did go out a few times, to have outing with cousins and stuff,
other than that, nothing much i guess?
christmas and new year has been spent at home,
mummy decided to throw parties and stuff.
haha. mummy has become more into cooking, making things, baking things.
her newest hobby is nails.
LOL~
school has been a little tedious,
because i wasn't a good girl and didn't do my homework.
but this year on, i changed bit by bit already i guess?
i have been submitting homework on time and stuff.
that is a fantastic change for me,
i am now in the mood to do work
hehe~
this should and needs to continue on~
gogogo~
i realise that i am a very non-people person.
haix, sorry to everyone, i am just so cui~
i will change and i will improve.
i promise.
SJ side we have a structure.
things are getting easier to settle and worked out.
this is a good sign.
let's get better and better and better. =)
and OTC is well, still haven't really get into the momentum yet ba
but then, hopefully it won't turn out to be problematic ba, i hope.
i think it should be alright.
let's jiayou yo~
i want to get back my comic reading habit.
i used to read loads of comics.
haha~
it's nice to be able to read comics while on the move
or when lecturers decide to slack also.
comic reading is a nice thing to do.
how i wish i have money and i have no school.
then i can go buy or rent tons of comics to read.
library's collection is just too little~
i forgot what else i wanted to update about.
haha~ absent-minded me.
nvm~ shall update again when i have the time.
or when i feel like it.
JA~
LOL. cox i kinda just can't be bothered ba i guess?
in the end, my intention to do 2010 reflection failed again.
well wells,
i just can't be bothered to do it now,
or maybe i didn't want to reflect on certain things also.
but anyway, i gave up intention on that alr.
life has been, well, boring i guess?
but life is less tedious in this year.
perhaps cox i am more and more into the mood to do homework and stuff
and perhaps cox i am more and more into sleeping early and taking naps.
LOL.
i touch my lappie less than last time.
alot less.
that is a good sign.
i shall be a lappie camper come holidays.
the whole period of time from my december break till now has been,
let me see,
i did go out a few times, to have outing with cousins and stuff,
other than that, nothing much i guess?
christmas and new year has been spent at home,
mummy decided to throw parties and stuff.
haha. mummy has become more into cooking, making things, baking things.
her newest hobby is nails.
LOL~
school has been a little tedious,
because i wasn't a good girl and didn't do my homework.
but this year on, i changed bit by bit already i guess?
i have been submitting homework on time and stuff.
that is a fantastic change for me,
i am now in the mood to do work
hehe~
this should and needs to continue on~
gogogo~
i realise that i am a very non-people person.
haix, sorry to everyone, i am just so cui~
i will change and i will improve.
i promise.
SJ side we have a structure.
things are getting easier to settle and worked out.
this is a good sign.
let's get better and better and better. =)
and OTC is well, still haven't really get into the momentum yet ba
but then, hopefully it won't turn out to be problematic ba, i hope.
i think it should be alright.
let's jiayou yo~
i want to get back my comic reading habit.
i used to read loads of comics.
haha~
it's nice to be able to read comics while on the move
or when lecturers decide to slack also.
comic reading is a nice thing to do.
how i wish i have money and i have no school.
then i can go buy or rent tons of comics to read.
library's collection is just too little~
i forgot what else i wanted to update about.
haha~ absent-minded me.
nvm~ shall update again when i have the time.
or when i feel like it.
JA~
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