hated

so what happens if you become fully conscious that those you are working with hates you.
to the extend that they voice out as a request not to have you train them?
what do you do with such feelings?
what happens?
what are you supposed to do next?
and when it's the love of your life that you are serving?
i wondered if everything was a mistake.
i wondered if i made a big big mistake.
i wondered if i was actually a mistake.
to begin with, my existence was a mistake.
and then i wondered if being a 17/09 only brough harm to the corps?
rather than hurt, upset, sad or angry, i am feeling lost.
lost because i dunno how to handle all these thoughts and feelings.
not thinking about them wun make the problems go away.
pretending it's alright wun make things better either.
bringing it up as a problem is too awkward, because this is my own problem.
telling someone seems to be too much of a burden.
so my only solution was typing here.
but this doesn't solve the problems either.
i dunno how things are going to turn out to be but i can only see how things goes.
i will try to stop myself from thinking too much.
because if i do, then i would be inefficient and create even more problems.