maybe i'm just too much of a nuisance for anyone to bother.

updates!!!!


okay i was trying to update yesterday but somehow i was too lazy to even watch liar game,
so ya, i'm back here today~
erm, my life has been, well, like that lor.
feels damn zai that we had YOG training everyday since last sunday.
went to YCK stadium to watch AGI rehearsals last sunday
bought tonns of sweets and chocs and biscuits and rubbish for the kids
and also for meimei lester and deardear~
hope you all liked all the stuff!!! =D
went to YOG training afterwards,
then the following days were all sleeping till rather late timing followed by YOG training.
i'm starting to really miss those training days,
when we would whine and complain and talk alot of rubbish
yet still attend every single training.
hehe~
and oh did i mention, china decided to change the anthem to the 40+ seconds one,
one day before the closing,
so we trained on the night before closing,
when warrant sanep actually didn't want us to.
in the end,
admist all the changes and everyone getting stressed and stuff,
we managed to do a perfect job only on the actual one!!!!!
phew~~~ damn cool~
kudos to flag raisers benedict and twinnie!
had random fun after the end of closing ceremony~
then cabbed home on my own,
tired to the point that i bathed and slept immediately..
hope the end of YOG isn't the end of the YOG flag party~~~
let's still meetup kay?
meanwhile jiayous to the poly kids who're having exams,
and all the best to JC kids for promos and A levels! =)
after YOG it really seems like there's too much time.
friday was spent meeting with lester and deardear at HQ~
then went home
saturday was spent teaching heartsaver for one whole day,
then had dinner with double As, laosan, huiying deardear and lester~
tiong bahru market, somewhere i haven't been to for a long while.
i ate too much i think, wayyyyyyy too much~~~
time to exercise, after my exams though~ haha~
oh and!!!! amelia's sister is an officer.
and it took me half a day to realise. how stupid can i be.
she's damn nice~ and we are rather much tuned to a similar frequency~~
hehe~
had fun teaching heartsaver with her~~ =D
more of such life support courses to come, i believe?
hmmm, today was spent sleeping till afternoon,
and staying at home slacking facebooking watching dramas and attempting to study.
this sucks.
i need to buck up so that i can score well.
cox i promised deardear and i want to reach that level as well,
and also cox twinnie says "3.0 is too low already"
wahhhhhhhhh
feels damn challenged. LOL~
but i shall do it! i will do it!!! =D

suddenly i feel like telling you everything,
just simply everything,
i dunno why i feel like we're like heading towards being strangers.
i know i shouldn't and i know i dun have the guts to tell you before your A levels are over.
i'm just contradicting myself and wallowing in self-pity,
thinking that oh, i'm very emo cox we're not talking etc.
i care too much for myself,
i feel disgusted with myself about it.
that's why i am trying my best to stop myself from talking to them about you.
cox there's no point. in the end the conclusion i get is still the same.
but i'm being so paranoid and irritating
i'm flinching at the very small slightest things.
things like us not talking
things like there's no more oyasuminasai, it's always a goodnight now,
things like you changing your facebook profile pic
things like i dun even know what's going on in your life now,
things like how i can guess that you are still talking on msn with other people, just not me,
things like how i think that end of YOG makes you happy cox you'll be rid of me
things like how i think i'm really irritating,
things like how if yingying didn't like that wall post you wun even bother.
i'm just the one making myself feel horrible
it's got nothing to do with others, nothing to do with you either,
it's just me, i'm so irritating and disgusting.
maybe deep inside one corner of my heart,
i hope that i can tell you. tell you asap,
but then that's really not possible right now,
so ya, end of the day, i just ran one round again,
one full circle and arrive at the same old conclusion,
i should shut my trap and continue like that.
simple as that.

29.


it's 29. haha, a not very important date.
silly of me to think this way but i think that date is important.
it's not about counting months or what,
it's just about randomness i guess?
hahaha~
there's so much i wanna update about.
shall do it in the morning.
i'm tired right now and i screwed things up.

wordpress. hmmmmmm


reason for the title? well, i was considering having a blog at wordpress.
i would then be able to set passwords for blog posts.
but then again, if i set passwords, why did i write that blog post?
cox if i didn't want ppl to see, i have the diary. that diary to be specific.
so well, not wordpressing anytime soon. hahaha~

maybe that few days of not talking etc,
made things better?
or maybe your problems are slowly being solved?
i dunno.
but today morning, i thought i was still sleeping,
when i saw your msg asking me whether i'm gonna go watch the kids at AGI.
i know you're interested in watching their progress,
but it still made me happy, that you asked whether i was going as well.
well, there was awkward silence here and there.
or rather, strange silence when we dun talk but doesn't feel suffocating.
it feels strange how we used to have many topics to talk about,
every single day, even if we went on outing, or we meet up,
we will end up talking on msn.
and there was this period of time when we keep sms-ing each other.
i wondered where all those topics went to.
haha~
i wonder how long can all these last.
maybe you're just putting up a strong front, till YOG's over?
i really wonder.
folding stars is a bittersweet activity.
the product i get is a nice little star,
but the process is one where my fingertips will feel painful.
it's as bittersweet as my feelings for you.
i really just dun want you to face your problems on your own.
or rather, maybe i'm more selfish, i dun want to not know what's wrong,
i dun want to not know why you're upset.
i want to hear you whine and talk and complain
i want to hear you talk about anything, anyone,
be it random or otherwise,
i just wanna know.
but it's too suffocating that way, isn't it?
well, ultimately, i just wanna let you know,
you may not choose to tell me about alot of things,
but i'll always be there.
even if you treat me as just a backup
it's alright.
at least being a backup means that you will look for me when you have no one to turn to.
that's enough.
i'll always be there, twinnie.
i may not be able to catch you when you fall,
but i'll definitely help you get back up on your feet again after your fall.
26th august 2010.
what's gonna happen after that, who knows.
but every 29th, i'd free myself up and spend some time going to some places that means alot.
like that ice cream shop near the flyer.
why every 29th?
cox i happened to randomly check back on facebook the other day,
and realised that we became twinnies on 29th june.
hahaha.
random right?

alright.
it's 3.17am. my eyes hurts, i need to sleep. haha~

and life goes on.


after torturing myself with my think too much,
and a hisashiburi crying so much,
i am kinda sure what i'm gonna do,
i'll still just maintain things the way they are.
now's not the time, he's not ready,
seeing all the posts on facebook, he's really not ready.
so dun worry, you won't see my blog posts or the diary yet.
and i didn't know that jie actually posted something on my facebook wall.
thanks jie~ =)
yes i think i need an answer, just not now, when you're unsure about yourself,
and when you have A levels to handle.
i will stop being weird, i wun be emo anymore.
no more grey posts on nixgint160592 =)
i'm not acting strong, i have to be strong,
and right now, i remembered what jacelyn once told me,
if you really like him, fight for what you want,
even if it means falling down and getting hurt,
wounds all over the place, i will still fight,
just not now.
because i don't want to hurt you.
and all of these is just me and myself thinking wayyyyyy too much.
i just hope i can still bug you.
should i start bugging you? till you can't take it any longer?
i want to hear you tell me random stuff,
i want to hear you whine to me,
i want to know which part of your game you progressed to.
or even when you reached the high score chart of your game.
i want to hear you saying random stuff about yourself,
then complain and say that you should be studying.
i want to hear you saying that you talk just about anything under the sun,
i want to hear all that, as your friend, as your twinnie,
i'm not thinking so much now.
just as your twinnie will do.
instead of you being bottled up.

crying is tiring

dear twinnie,
i'm so sorry about today.
i should've placed more faith in you.
when you made that remark, i didn't know why i reacted that way.
maybe as you said, i was too shallow.
but i didn't think of it as you deceiving me.
but then again, why i would think so,
probably because, to guys i dunno what you all think,
all these while, i've seen ppl. after NS, totally left SJ.
it's not impossible.
but i was really sad when you said SJ is a waste of your time.
i am disgusted at myself, at the same time, rather disappointed in you,
was shocked that you actually said that of SJ.
but well, maybe i think too much,
maybe it just never crossed my mind that you'd ever say that.
but still, i'm sorry i had such little faith in you,
that i am so shallow.
i need to do some soul searching.

YOG trainings will now be on 17 18 19 20,
from 8pm to 1030pm at NCC HQ.
how the hell are you gonna cope with all that?
you have school from morning to afternoon,
then you have your tuitions,
then you have your homeworks
and the revisions you would probably do.
i can't even bear to start thinking about how tired you're gonna be from all these.
and yet there's nothing i can do to help.
='(

i'm sorry.
i am being the stupid and annoying me as usual.
it's lucky that you didn't know anything.
before i slept yesterday, had alot of time to think things through.
and i was being too much.
what the hell am i doing.
imagine if you knew everything, things would've been worse off.
right now you're just in the state of what i always nagged at you to be.
to study, concentrate on what you should, not to stray too much,
not to tire yourself out, find time for your family and friends.
like what luating said, maybe you really listen to me.
and you're really doing what i said before.
so why am i complaining?
thus i'm sorry that i was too much.
i think too much, only care about myself. then in the end, end up complaining.
but i mean what i said.
i'll stop whining about you to them.
cox somehow, after thinking yesterday, i realised that,
it's as good as talking behind your back.
and why would i want to do that?
i'm sorry, really sorry. about everything.

in the end, who cares?
i am thinking too much right now,
i am expecting too much right now,
i am such an idiot,
i dunno what to do right now,
everytime i'm upset or sad or emo, it's all cox of me and my own doings.
haha.
do i care? do you care? does everyone care?
i dunno.
end of the day, conclusion being, maybe i just don't deserve those around me.
simple as that.

i dunno what's bothering you and what's wrong,
and i dun think i should ask as well.
we're not talking, i'm not taking the initiative cox everything's too tiring for you.
we will grow distant, as expected.
unexpectedly, we are growing distant even when YOG's not over yet.
great.
sometimes i really wonder how much do you care.
you didn't even see me walk right past you,
我们擦肩而过，你都没有发现.
that's how much you dun care? LOL.
why am i blaming you? i've been the one thinking too much what.
right, i am PMS-ing, emo-ing, whatever shit you call it,
i should just emo myself away and cry it out.
then tomorrow will be a brand new day once again.
i shan't talk about you to them anymore.
neither am i gonna think so much anymore.
i'm not gonna whine anymore.
it's really gonna be the case. i bet everyone's sick and tired of my doings.
i'm sorry about everything.
i won't talk so much anymore. it's just rubbish.
my rubbish. i was too self-centred.
right. that's about it.

thinking too much.


this is one thing i tend to do.
haha.
the one thing that makes me such an irritating person,
i'm not emoing,
i chose not to think too much.
there's no point in it cox you'll never know.
but sometimes i do wonder,
maybe it's cox it's you thus i think so much.
thinking so much, is not good,
what lauting and lester said is true.
shouldn't think too much.
=)

one thought just suddenly crossed my mind.
the end of the story seems quite obvious.
maybe my very very initial decision to do things the same way as 3 years ago was correct.
just that i inflict all these pain on myself by allowing all these feelings to continue.
maybe that's the reason why i think we're very weird right now.
maybe if i didn't harbour such feelings,
we wouldn't be so weird.
i wouldn't feel so weird.
i wouldn't be thinking about end of YOG and the uncertainty that follows,
i wouldn't be feeling like crying while making some stuff for you.
i wouldn't be fearing losing you even as a friend, as a twinnie.
it's all self-inflicted.
and then again it's me and my stupid think too much once again.
and that is self-inflicted pain for nothing.
haha~
this is how stupid and troublesome i am.

Update!!!


right, update about my life.
random ttm. hahaha, but i realised that my blog is so much about one topic,
too much, in fact. haha~

holidays, or should i say, 3 weeks break started last weekend.
it's a break, but, hmmmm, got alot of things going on.
i need to wake up my idea and study for that 3 impt papers.
to get the 3.0 GPA that i promised LauTing. =)
so, after this week i think i would rather much find more time to study.
would prevent myself from going out too much altogether.
save moneh also!! hahaha~

this whole week, has been eventful. and i'm not complaining.
let's start from last saturday then.

saturday was YOG training,
it's so cool that they had fireworks for the rehearsal!
hehe. and staff maaaaaaa(haha) said that what we saw was only 10% of the actual day's fireworks. i can't wait for actual day nowwwww xD
some very nice person who's my only twinnie in this world was very nice,
as usual. thank you~ =)
i said it once before, and i'll say it again,
you would always manage to put a smile on my face.
and it was the first time you straightaway "my parents will send you home"
hahaha~ feels paiseh and kinda guilty. but really thankful for that. =)

sunday was cousins' outing. had kbox, movie, dinner, haagen daz~
hehehehehehehehehe~
kbox was kinda fun, though seem kinda short, and we were all singing emo songs,
dunno why. it's fun, but diff from kbox family. haha~
maybe cox kbox family, we have all the weird things we do in kbox! =P
the movie, erm, made no sense to me, so like, ya, liddat lor =X
then had dinner at NYNY~ ate soooo much
but still had space for haagen daz~
ate sth called paradise. haha! love the raspberry and mango sorbet! xD
okay i prefer sorbet to creamy icecream, that's why. LOL.
in conclusion, i love haagen daz!!
oh, and i found out that kelvin kor knew pohwei's brother(or rather staff teo)
haha~ the world is damn small. or maybe singapore is. =X

monday was kbox family outing.
had dinner at justacia at marina square,
then watched fireworks from a different viewpoint.
hahaha~
and twinnie got the chance to watch NDP live!!!!!
i want also. sian~
to think that 18 years of my life, i have never watched NDP live.
hahaha~
nvm, i shall try getting tickets next year!
new item on my wishlist: to watch NDP live before i turn 21.
haha~ =P
and erm, my attitude was bad towards lao san,
but not cox of him, cox i think in a way you behaving weirdly,
like not yourself. like you were making yourself seem stupid,
but you're not a stupid girl you know.
but in any case, i apologise for all the GL-ness and the unhappiness.
maybe i should've told you instead of GL you. sorry.
hmmm, in the end,
lester, lauting and i randomly went to suntec to walk walk,
then meet twinnie after his NDP and dinner.
LOL~ alot of random things happen.
such random things are precious cox it's with kbox family~
i love all of you ppl~ =)

tuesday was outing with OT5 to celebrate hime's birthday!
it has been 3 long months since we meet up.
had fun wearing the hats in fish and co!
and hope hime likes the present i gave! xD
though it's like nothing much =X
sadly, because i wasn't hardworking enough,
i had to go back to school to submit tutorials,
and thus i left after having lunch with OT5.
i'm sorry, really sorry.
i promise this wun happen the next time we meet up.
and my laptop has gone bonkers,
i can't play sound without using earpiece.
need to send for servicing=inconvenience! =(
but i think i'll send for servicing anyway~
i dun want a problematic yousuke.
yousuke~ please get well.

today was YOG again!!
haha, today i was late for training.
would've overslept if twinnie didn't wake me up.
thanks twinnie~ =)
it rained heavily today,
and i got wet from head to toe.
eventually the rain stopped and twinnie and i was able to look for lester and lauting at marina square. hehe.
had fun roaming around,
and we got one part of twinnie's present! a vest!
he said he like it on the spot. but was super reluctant to let us buy.
giving all sorts of excuses. LOL.
but too bad. we did it anyway! hehe~ =D
then had dinner together before twinnie and i head back to f1 pit.
hmmm, realised that unexpectedly, someone opened up about himself to me,
abit? maybe cox i myself am the think too much kind or sth,
so can sense that person's "pattern" or rather,
the way he thinks.
but i feel like i'm damn weird. maybe cox, this friend is the americanised kind.
haha~ grabbing me by the neck and shoulder etc.
i'm not exactly used to it.
maybe cox i didn't exactly do that alot with friends.
or rather, i do that only with girls before, i think? =X
sorry if i was weird. really didn't mean it.
hmmm, anyways,
i realised that i am tired from YOG simply cox of the fact that we walk alot.
hahaha~
keep walking and walking and walking.
that's the only tiring part.
other than that, YOG is simply enjoyable ttm! =D
it's an experience that only we will share, once in a lifetime ppl!

okay, and then,
as all those who read my blog should know,
i'm gonna talk about that one topic.
LOL. expectedly.
okay. today i made a really, weird and, i would say, need me to go beyond my comfort zone choice.
i passed lauting that diary to read.
i wondered whether i should've let her read it.
cox it was stuff meant for your eyes,
or rather, it was all about you.
it felt weird to let her read.
but one thing is, lauting is someone i can really trust.
someone i can tell everything to.
so in the end i decided to let her read it.
which i found weird, i didn't had reasons to. but ya.
i wonder if end of the day, i'm not exactly sure whether you will get to read it or not.
and i wonder if letting you read it would hurt you in any way,
so lauting as someone i can really trust,
maybe she could've scanned through the diary. =X
hmmm and recently,
though we didn't talk much,
i'm not that upset.
rather than that,
i would be more upset when you are upset.
thing about not talking much is that,
i can't be there for you when you need someone, cox i wun be able to know.
but i really really dun dare to talk to you.
because i dun want to waste any of your time,
but when we do talk,
sometimes it's just so nice.
like how you actually acted cute on msn.
haha~ =)
we seem to be running outta topics?
i'm not sure, maybe there are alot of differences between us.
i wonder.
i will tell myself to stop being so whiny and reliant and dependent on you,
and stop bullying you, because everything is already taking a toll on you.
i'm really scared you're too stress to a point where you can't handle it anymore.
i dun want that to happen to you, ever.
and random thing,
i realised we've been calling each other by name recently, instead of twinnies.
is that a good sign or bad sign?
i'm just afraid of growing distant. that's all.
after YOG, what exactly would happen?
i'm just so used to the fact that i will always see you soon.
so much so that, i think once YOG ends,
there'd be times i will miss you. really miss you.
but once YOG ends, you have to really sprint for your dreams.
you've been lagging, i realised.
that's not good. you want to go far, and you should sprint.
like how you motivated me to study hard, i hope to do the same for you.
i shall think about it and find a way to do that.
with minimal disturbance for you, of course.
and on a sidenote, your birthday,
haha, wonder if you will like what we're gonna do to you.
and that box of randomness, i haven't even started yet.
i've got a problem thinking about what i should write. =X
alright, one thing i'm sorry about is that, when you care and try to make me sleep earlier,
i've never once heed your advice.
it's so late right now, close to 3, and i'm still awake.
this is how bad i am. =X
but but, i promise you i will listen to you and sleep earlier. =)
thank you for always being so nice,
and for bearing with a siaoginna twinnie like me.
sometimes i wonder what exactly will happen.
and then thinking about you going to NS and signing on,
wonders if you're gonna come back to SJ.
what does SJ mean to you?
i'm sure right now it means alot. but after NS?
SJ means alot to me you know.
i really hope to see you back in SJ.
cox SJ is where i got to know you, got to understand more about you, and got to like you.
it's all cox of SJ.
and more than anything, SJ is the love of my life.
random random me with random random thoughts. =X

haha~
i'm turning so so so random here.
i just realised i've written alot in the past 1 hour.
LOL~ that was how long it took for me to type this post.
right, i shall now go to sleep.
JA~

you're just so nice. =)

Implicit Meaning


you asked me whether i heard this song before.
when i read the lyrics, haha, immediately i wonder if there's a hidden meaning.
cox this song seems rather 99% about us, in a way?
i really wonder.
listening to this song, suddenly i felt like crying.
hahas. but i will make sure that you will always see me smile.
i will never cry in front of you. at least not now. =)


《明天以后》---林峰 泳儿


泳:在你的记忆里面有一个我
在你最痛苦的时候陪你度过
难过过了天晴朗了我就走

林:你拯救我的寂寞我的痛我的梦
在你的面前我不必保留
还来不及对你说
迟到的我的心动

泳:你的好你的坏
林:我的脾气你最懂
泳:我不要你心疼我(林:我不要你离开我)
合:明天的以后我们会懂
失恋的挫折让人变更成熟

泳:我对你感觉胜过爱情
林:因为有你给我勇气给我用不完的运气
林:其实也想好好爱你
泳:只怕到最后不小心让你伤心(林:我不怕会伤心)
合:对不起我对你再好再亲密都不能在一起
林:最后看你在别人怀里
泳:有天我会找到我的唯一(林:我并不是你的唯一)
合:还微笑祝福你

林:你拯救我的寂寞我的痛我的梦
在你的面前我不必保留
泳:我从来没对你说
压抑的我的心动

林:我的好我的坏我的脾气你最懂
泳:我不要你来心疼我
合:明天的以后我们会懂
失恋的挫折让人变更成熟

泳:我对你感觉胜过爱情
林:因为有你给我勇气给我用不完的运气
林:其实也想好好爱你
泳:只怕到最后不小心让你伤心(林:我不怕会伤心)
合:对不起我对你再好再亲密都不能在一起
林:最后看你在别人怀里
泳:有天我会找到我的唯一(林:我并不是你的唯一)
合:还微笑祝福你

泳:爱情总让人折磨
林:所以我们才选择
合:做比情人更好的朋友

泳:我对你感觉胜过爱情
林:因为有你给我勇气给我用不完的运气
林:其实也想好好爱你
泳:只怕到最后不小心让你伤心(林:我不怕会伤心)
合:对不起我对你再好再亲密都不能在一起
林:最后看你在别人怀里
泳:有天我会找到我的唯一(林:我并不是你的唯一)
合:还微笑祝福你

#500


surprisingly, my blog has hit blog post number 500.
haha~
it's been so dead. this blog.
okay actually not really.
after privating and opening up this blog a few times,
in the end i still end up opening up.
even though i know a certain sectionmate (hi Joson!) of mine is reading,
and the fact that he's squadmates with twinnie.
but Joson wun tell twinnie about my blog, he said so, and he's a sectionmate i can trust! =)
thanks Joson! hehe~

life has been, well, kinda school and YOG based.
realised that i missed out on alot of SJ stuff.
been a long while since i went back to corps.
and it's so sad! i'm not involved in AGI.
=(
i dislike being so uninvolved in SJ~
it feels so sad.
i'm not barred but why do i feel like i am barred?
haha~

hmmm, i guess maybe, deep down inside
just this one part of me, might've wanted you, twinnie, to chance upon this stupid blog.
and read all those peach font coloured posts.
that might've been the reason why i still opened up this blog for anyone to read,
it's damn easy to find my blog you know,
just google my full name.
hahaha~
suddenly i feel so disgusted with myself.
why would i want you to know?
actually it's nothing shameful, the main reason why i didn't tell you is cox i dun wanna damage our friendship,
and also i'm not sure whether you can take it.
i'm perfectly fine with you not feeling the same and we continue being friends you know.
okay, of course i do hope we can be together.
but sometimes i just feel that 我配不上你。
ya. so if you dun feel the same, i'm fine, but are you?
i dun want you to carry a burden of guilt knowing that i like you.
i dun want you to suffer like how 她 suffered because of the 木头。
that's all i'm concerned with.

and and, sorry if i think too much,
but recently. i'm not sure anymore.
previously, i was rather certain you dun feel the same way.
but recently some parts of you are really weird you know.
misleading idiot. haha =P
but then again, today when i was being a whiner and saying i want a giant carebear
you said "ask your future BF to buy for you"
zzzzzzzz.
totally. what if i said "you"
LOL. i bet you're just gonna offline immediately and run away
so stop misleading me =X
hahaha, joking la.

i just realised how much i dun understand you.
i didn't want to talk so much, cox i'm not supposed to be disturbing you,
yet we talked a fair bit.
i wanted to whine, but i know i shouldn't thus i didn't
but in the end you still listened to me talk about a certain topic.
and by the time i realised that i talked too much,
i already talked too much,
and yet again, you, as nice as usual, just told me "it's okay"
idiot =)


你说：“向左向右向前看 爱要拐几个弯才来 我遇见谁会有怎样的对白 我等的人她在多远的未来”

我想告诉你：“阴天傍晚车窗外 未来有一个人在等待”， 我希望等你的那个人，可以是我。

哈哈，我还蛮不要脸的。=X
但说真的，我希望可以等你，而且，就在不久的将来。