disgusted with myself. idk why.

i think this post might be interesting.

um, dun read if you dun wanna vomit.

3ya reactivated his account and omg, the msgs i sent him last time came back as well,

decided to post this to remind myself i should never write stuff like that.

i feel disgusted with myself. so er xin omg.

i feel so stupid.

But anyways WEEWEE. dun feel so much hate okay? it's like October, November kinda thing.

so last year. LOLs!!! 

Let you laugh at my disgusting self. hahas! :P

19 October 2011

Poh Ting Xin

Kah Meng,

I hope you won't just ignore this message. Please read this when you have time.
I'm not sure if I'm exaggerating things here or even if this is the right thing to do, but i really feel that there is something going on between us that we need to talk about.
I just want to ask, is it possible for us to talk about what's happening and what's wrong, when you have the time to spare?

I hope you won't interpret it as me being possessive. I understand that you need your own space, you have more things to do than i can imagine, and you have a choice to do things the way you want it to be. I don't want to force you to say what you don't feel like saying, and i don't intend to make you tell me about every single thing. I just hope that we can at least communicate. Or perhaps, if you really don't have time, maybe you can just let me know you don't have time for me and I stop disturbing you till you have the time again? I really don't know.

I know you are not alright, you are stressed out and have alot to do. And probably, by sending you this message, i am adding on additional stress to you, when you are already really stressed out. I apologise for still sending you this message despite knowing this fact. I really want to know what's happening and what i can do.

I suppose you are angry/upset with me. Because of things i said or done, or perhaps, didn't do.

If that is the case, i would really like to know what is it and to talk about it, please let me know how you feel, what is wrong, what did i do wrong and let me have a chance to make it up to you. Give me another chance, or rather, give us another chance, please?

I am not sure if this is the right thing to do, but i know i regret missing out on 4 years of your life, and i don't want to miss out any part of your life anymore. I don't want to go back to living in parallel lives with you, like the 4 years that I've missed out.

Even if it's problems or things i can't help with at all, I hope you would let me be there for you, just like how you were there for me when i faced problems. Even if telling me doesn't help, I really hope you can let me know how you really feel and let me have the chance to just be by your side.

I don't even mind if you could just vent negative emotions on me. Because at least I know how you really feel. To be honest, i actually don't know what else i can do right now. I have been thinking and thinking about what's happening and what's wrong, and telling myself nothing is wrong, just that you don't have time for me, but on monday, you confirmed that something is really wrong, and i really have to try to know how you are actually feeling right now.

And I just want to say, I miss you, every single day, even before we stopped communicating. Just that in fear of being too mushy, I couldn't bring myself to tell you that I actually do.

Ting Xin

27 November 2011

Poh Ting Xin

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, or trying to achieve anything through this message. It's just simply a message sent to you that i hope you would take the time to read. I don't need you to change your mind or anything, i just simply want to talk to you via this message, that's all.

Though I might be irritating you yet again with this, but i would just like to tell you that, you are the best, have been the best, is the best and will always be the best.

I'm sorry i failed to cherish you and our relationship, leading to your decision. There might be more to your decision that i can think of, that i would know of, but i believe i am at fault for not cherishing us. I'm also sorry that i'm not good enough. Perhaps i really do not deserve you.

Though i would definitely want to hear your decision directly from you, but i suppose that is not something you would do, therefore, i dun have the right, nor do i want to, force you to tell me. Not that i am even capable of forcing you to do so in the first place.

Thank you so much for the past 4 years of feelings you had for me, never having a change of heart. I really cherish that fact and i am deeply touched when you first told me, and i will always be touched about your unchanging feelings. Thank you also for the great time together. Through it all, You've always made me feel really really loved, all the while. Really thank you.

I believe that saying something outright all the time devalues it, but i really have to tell you one last time that i love you, i still do, and i always will.
You will always be the great Kah Meng i love, and the great Kah Meng sir i respect all the time.

I would not make my problem a public problem, and i would not make my problem your problem. So no worries, if breaking up is what you want, i would respect you and your decision and not make a mess out of everything. I would let go, even if i don't want to. Cause nothing good comes out of clinging on when one side has already decided to let go.

Do take good care of yourself, i do hope that even though you decided that we should end this relationship, we can still be friends.

Friends don't avoid each other, you see. So i really hope you wouldn't avoid me. I will learn to draw a line and not go overboard, so please, i do hope we can remain friends even if you want to break up.

Just to make it clear, you don't owe me anything, and i wouldn't make things seem like you do. So no worries, Tarnishing your reputation or making you seem like the bad guy is, and will never be something i want, and will never be something i would do.

All the best to you in all aspects of your life. Do hope in the near future, you will find someone better, someone who truly deserves you, someone who will be your best, for the rest of your life.

Be safe, be happy from the bottom of your heart. You are really the best, always. (:

DISGUSTING MUCH RIGHT?

i know. hahahah~

i feel so stupid looking at such stuff after like half a year.

um, no harm intended. just like to express my disgust at my own words.

eheh.

that's all. enough puking. LOLs.

JA~

random ramblings

Been busy busy busy the past week. will be busy busy busy in the coming weeks too.
To be honest, i feel guilty towards my family alr.
but then again, i cannot dun do what i am supposed to do also, right?


wells wells.
been kinda sick. i suppose it originated from my sinus or sth.
hates the feeling of having my ears blocked. sians.
and now comes the semi-stuck phlegm.
i begin to wonder am i starting to feel the strain from everything or what? haha.


sian. i missed the Army Open House, totally,
wanted to go over after ANCO meeting yesterday, but ended up eating dinner with Arens, Unnie and Hui Ying, and going to drink beer somewhere near HQ(thanks Arens! hahahas~)
Sorry Twinnie! ps you in the end. Wells um, i supposed you had training in being a gooseberry.
hehehes~


went to Ksuite with cousins(thanks Daniel! LOLs) and had fun singing.
then heard this song that they chose to sing.
the lyrics made me think about a not-so-pleasant someone.
LOLs okay, i thought about, maybe the lyrics might have been how 3ya felt at that time.
But oh wells, not that i mind alot la huh, over alr.
Not like i yearn for things to work out.
In fact, in retrospective, our r/s really couldn't have worked out properly.
I dunno why, but i am kinda sure that it wouldn't, even if what happened didn't happened.
Anyhow, it's this nice song:


王力宏「你不知道的事」









the busy me is also a sensitive mess.
but then again, i think maybe i am, like what derrick says, a weirdo. haha~
but aiya, it's okay, as long as i remember that i am not the only tired one and not the most tired one, i can carry on.
Even if i am, i would and should think that i am not.
It's not being delusional. It is just putting yourself smaller.
like what weewee says, when people are out in the cold, suffering from famine and having issues with surviving till the next day,
you know you shouldn't be exclaiming out loud how you are suffering from all your first world shitty problems.
At least you are in a welfare enough environment to actually have those first world shitty problems.
That's why we shouldn't be whining.
Actually i think we should reflect and repent and do our best such that we do not waste the privilege that we enjoy.


oh, and i really really have to do up my appeal soon.
or rather, NOW. 
if not i would never stand a chance (not like doing it earlier gives me chances, but at least i show that i am gan cheong)
wells, even if i end up failing again, i will try to get into diploma and then go to degree from there.
longer route la, abit impractical and waste time.
But at least i am moving towards where i wanna be, where i wanna go.
So yeahhhh at least i know i wouldn't let go of what i wanna do anymore. (:


Actually, if you asked me what i wanna be this life,
i think the most important thing i wanna be in this life would be someone who brings optimism to people around me.
yes la, i am some emo shit and kinda really self-centred and selfish and can't make up my fickle-minded self kinda person.
And i'm also not kind enough to sign up for those overseas program to go to third world countries to help them rebuild. (actually maybe i would, idk, but i have issues with dirty toilets. yes i am such a whiner and irritatingly selfish shit)
But at the very least, i wanna make people feel positive. like empowering them with sunshine.
It sounds stupid, and maybe it is,
but i feel happy when i can be someone who my friends and family turn to.
Or when my juniors feel enthusiasm and optimism from me.
It's as though i help them turned on the lights.
It's a warm fuzzy nice feeling that i really like. hehes~
But that is not much of an aspiration. hurhur.


Aiya nvm, by age 35, if i'm not married, i will save enough money to open a nursery/student care
Twinnie, sponsorship please. Thank You!!! :D
Then all of my friends will send their kiddos over!!!
hmmms, that, or maybe if i am freaking poor, i shall be nanny to my friends' kiddos.
wheeeee... the cute babies and todds and kiddos.


Okay i am seriously going on a long loh soh random ramblings(but hey that's the title right?)


Looking forward to this week, with recce trip on Friday night(LOVE the walking!!!)
and FAC on sunday(yay! squadmates coming!!! xD)


right, enough of my lohsohness. haha~
JA~~ (:

sigh

Somehow, i am feeling utterly depressed and suicidal right now.

After looking the comments and such, seriously, i am utterly depressed right now.

I feel like i am gonna hate myself after next sun.

Like seriously.

Feels damn freaking upset.

So upset i could almost kill myself, totally.

Dreams

Dreams. One big vague topic that i'm not really sure what it's all about.

Never really had aspirations. 

Ever wanted to be a teacher just cox marking homework seemed fun.

Ever wanted to be a scientist because Mrs Joyce Tan made science so interesting. Loved the microscope when i was a primary four kid.

Wanted to become a Paramedic or some career related to Medical field because of SJ. Also cox of code blue, but SJ more luh.

Wanted to work as some admin staff or some random office worker because it seems fixed timing and pays well.

Now that i'm sorted out my thoughts, i want to be a teacher, because of the environment that teachers work in, and the people teachers work for; students.

sadly, it seems, becoming a teacher isn't as easy as i hoped it will be.
feeling that the future is kinda bleak right now, because of the rejection letter from NTU.

Then again, things happening to people around me is confusing me, with people in the same situation as me but receiving emails from NIE.

I think i'm not gonna wait alr. i'm gonna get help from Cheryl this week and send in my appeal for NIE.

Now is when i really realised that i want this badly, so badly.

Why i dream to be a teacher? beats me. but i suppose working with younger ones is something that really inspires me.

I've always believed that working with younger ones makes you learn something new everytime.

And i've always wanted to become a teacher who doesn't confine my students to the usual norm.

It is not my aim to mold them into whatever bullshit that society perceives as normal or the perfect/good.

I want to become a teacher whom my students can trust, and one who'll give them the space and freedom, as much as possible, to grow into huge strong trees.

I always thought that it is really important to let them grow.

A teacher's job is to prune and lead the seedlings back to the path they want to walk.

Not force them to walk down the path that has been decided for them.

We're not communists, we're not robots. We dun need mass-manufactured kids.

I just really hope all these turns out well, be it via a longer route or directly.

I am willing to fight for it. I am willing to work hard to get there, to the journey's beginning.

To start off on a path i know i am sure i want to take.

I just really hope that the path wouldn't lead to a dead end.

As much as i want to emo at my rejection from NTU, i will now stand up and fight for something i want.

Like what i keep telling the kids, it's a matter of how badly you want it. When it want it really badly, no matter what, you will give your all, work your hardest and fight for it.

It's time i do what i preach, and give my all.

Let's go PTX! (:

Sometimes i just wonder, how is it that i am so calm and collected this time round?
Is it cox it's just infatuation?
Or is it cox i'm suppressing myself?
Or is it cox i no longer plunge straight in?
Or rather i dun exactly understand you enough yet?

awesome May

First of All,
Happy Birthday Jie!!!
Random much but yeahh..


i am glad that i am starting to lose all the crankiness i had previously.
about all the shit i felt and thought about. Maybe i'm not so bothered by it anymore.
So well, that is a good thing, thankfully i am improving alr~~


May seems to be an awesome month ahead!!
looking at my schedule, seems packed. But glad that it is packed. haha~
Would really wanna start the drawing up of schedule thingy with Weewee soon.
It seems uber fun and it will be nice to plot all those outings or dinners etc.


Last Saturday, Cheryl, Yong Qing, Li Hui and Yuan Lin came over to make sushi.
I guess i really suck at hosting friends at home.
Not used to it aye.
Hey you people, be honored that you are my first few guests who came over by invitation!! haha~ kidding luh~~
We made alot alot of sushi that day. Yeah we were kinda excited or sth. 
Like some primary school kiddos. LOLs!!! 
neeways i think we made too much arh. So end up poor seal has alot to eat. haha~
Hope it was nice? was it? :x hahas~
It was really fun~ thanks people!! hehe~ maybe we can have more of these sessions next time! keke.


Then ANCO finally started off. 
Looking at the meeting dates~~ sighhh. hahahahaha~
but okay la. we really dun have time, so yeahhhhh.
Hope this year's camp will be fun~
okay i think it will be. Since teddy bear, derrick, tang jie, jingyew, junwei, desmond, edmund they all are all in the camp. nice to have SJ people whom i know through diff events come together for a camp.
Hmph! whoever makes me angry will be deprived of food!! LOL okay kidding luh huh. hahaha.
Kinda looking forward to it actually. hope it will be a great camp!! :D


looking at this week, it's a busy busy week again!! 
cut hair tonight, buy cake for Jie, tmr meeting Cheryl, Thursday is daddy's birthday, may be staying over at twinnie's on Friday, Saturday will be ANCO meeting in the morning followed by KBox Family's outing, Sunday is mama day so maybe we'll celebrate with a meal or sth. packed ttm but nice aye.
Only thing is i hope i wun grow even fatter than i already am...
People keep teasing me or asking me about me growing fat. *cries*
Needa do something about it alr~~ :/


Next week's eventful as well! 
Treating at workplace on Tuesday, L02 chalet on Wednesday, Training plus meetup with Shi Hui, Geck Ngoh and Seal on Thursday, then Training cum cousins outing cum OT5 chalet on Saturday.


And 22nd will be my Graduation Ceremony!!! 


Somehow i think this is a little mad but it makes May an AWESOME month.
So Twinnie, MAY IS AWESOME! Stop saying that it is a terrible month!!! :(


That's about it now~~
JA~~

Avery Lynn Canahuati

http://averycan.blogspot.com/

I think it's an inspiring good read.
Somehow it makes me feel sad, because if i were her parents, all i would ever want is for her to experience real normal things, like wetting her bed accidentally, or attempting to walk and falling down.
Though she's gone to heaven, but i think it's really interesting and a good read.

Twinnie

Enjoys talking to twinnie.
He's like a childish yet mature younger brother to me. Hahas!
I am assured and know that i can be completely honest and random with him.
I guess my character helped, cox i am one who takes very long to get close to, very long to let go but i will let everything go everytime i do so.
I think twinnie and i have more things to talk about simply because of common interests plus the fact that we are assured of not ever having any one-sided liking etc anymore. Hahas.
Blessing in disguise, if you ask me.
More talks from now onwards twinnie! We need more time to talk also. Haha!

And i am sure i'm not expecting anything now. Just enjoying the every few days and sometimes daily conversation.

Never-ending convo. Heeez. (:

Decisions

I keep going back and forth between my decisions on things.

I can't believe that i am actually thinking this way.

But recently many many many things had me thinking if it's really time's up for me already.

I am struggling with coming to a decision on whether i should be leaving.

Maybe i am affected by what Jie said,

that going back should be something happy.

That it's not the first time that i am feeling such negative feelings and not the first time i've cried over all this shit.

But is it really time i leave already?

I wonder if i should speak to the people involved.

It'll be super duper selfish of me.

But then again, idk.

I know that if i dun address this problem now, it will grow and eventually result in a fall-out.

But if i do actually talk about it, it's too self-centred of me.

And it may be because i am freaking sensitive.

But really, if i were to repeatedly feel sensitive about things and never seem to get over it,

I really think that there's something i should do about it.

Whether it is something wrong with the system or is it something wrong with the way anybody is doing things, or is it my sensitivity or anybody's approach and opinion of things.

The thing is i no need anyone to do things my way.

But i think that maybe, somehow or another, i really have issues with how things are going, how things are being done.

I think there's too much rubbish going through my mind now.

And too much rubbish going on already.

It's all so rubbish that i really cannot stand it anymore.

But one thing i really don't want is that people misunderstand where i am coming from with all these.

I'm not after recognition or credit. 

I don't need any of it.

I just want this place that i am in, to be a happy place, at least like it was before.

I am very open to discussion.

But whether or not other people are as open is another thing altogether.

Well, it can be just me being a lousy and sucky person who is not up to the job.

And maybe this whole talk things out thingy wun ever happen.

And maybe instead of leaving, i would be chased out.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.