hisashiburi

hmmm, i can't believe it's been a few months since i last posted anything here.
to the extend that Sokting asked me why i didn't update my blog.
found a new ranting ground to vent all my emotions to.
maybe this link is a little more public than i thought it is?
hahas~

it has been an eventful half a year since the beginning of 2011.
participated in some stuff, met some new people, made some friends, might have lost some along the way(i do hope i didn't but i think i did? :x)
getting more and more lethargic by the day.

it's psychological, not physical, this feeling of tiredness.
i do sleep you see, actually, speaking of sleep,
i haven't been able to sleep as well as i did last time.
in fear of oversleep-ing(which is a very common occurence since the start of this year)
in deep thoughts of many things.
right now, if i were to draw a diagram of my brain, i might need an entire mahjong paper.
there are many things on my mind right now.
things like post-poly life, internship, deadlines of schoolwork to meet(and as usual, all the backlogs), tests, deadlines of SJ-stuff to meet, financial stuff(wondering where i spent my money), friendship, family, twinnie, 3yearsago, life, alot alot alot.

i've been wondering, have i lived life the way i want it to be?
well, i can say that life has been slightly more eventful than before.
participating in meetups, meals, get-togethers have made me more social than before?
and it makes me feel closer to the people around me. esp dragonsaints~ :)
i need to get to know the younger ones more though.
they barely feel comfortable talking to me, i think?
i hope things continue the way they are, in a positive manner,
i like this feeling of random meetups.
very "just because" kinda feeling.

when i do clear out all the other things in my life from my brain and do a self-reflection of myself, the way i am etc.
i realised that i am actually loner by choice.
because i dunno how to handle situations where i am alone with someone else(guy or girl, sama sama), things tend to get awkward.
i dunno how to handle and i chose not to face it.
and i chose not to try to strike conversations with people.
it's always others taking the initiative, i realised.
but i guess this has been getting better.
and i just need to be more natural and talk about more relevant stuff.
and learn how to handle ending of conversations.
that'll do, for now, i guess?
i am also a loner because i am kinda weird and abnormal ba~
i am constantly in my comfort zone of doing things alone.
like watching movies alone, going cycling alone, going random window shopping on my own, going on random urban walks on my own, always doing things alone.
i haven't been taking the initiative to meet up with anyone and everyone.
that's why i tend to be alone, because i am used to it and i sort of prefer it.
i know i dun have to change it all, but i know a little bit of change,
being slightly more sociable is the way to go.
and with the help of fantastic people like newtenpeople, kbox family, L02, i guess i can do it.
this part of me is a long term bad habit that i need to change.
i always complain that i am lonely, people dun understand me, dun include me,
but hey, that's cox i chose to do things that way.

so yeah. for now, the big change should be to be more sociable. :)

if i were to write down all my thoughts, i probably will have to forgo sleeping time to do so.
so i shall end here today, and update again, maybe by this week, when i have the time.
leaving this for later keeps my blog alive i guess? hahas~
that's all for now~
till i post again,
JA~