Title says this post is gonna be a venting post.
After a whirlwind that is June, i am here feeling very lost.
I wonder what did i do with my life, and where i spent my time on.
Started June with FAC, results remains as per past years'.
glad that there is a change in attitude of the people in corps.
At least there wun be war.
No need to fight war.
My own feelings towards this whole issue is like some roller coaster.
From initial stunned, to frustration, then coming to terms with it.
I just hope we dun leave. Really. I dun see any other place that is as good as we are now.
SJ would be half different if we went elsewhere. :/
Then came ANCO.
totally guilty and frustrated with myself for this year.
I am such a loser.
It really made me think if i am even capable of being in the committee.
It affected me so much so that i feel that maybe i rushed into wanting to be an officer.
I feel that i am such a lousy officer that i cannot stand myself.
I am so so disappointed that i am not improving.
No, to be exact, i haven't been improving the past few years.
I've learned and learned and learned. I'm no longer a newbie.
Yet i haven't improved. Not at all.
I feel that instead, i slipped and got from bad to worse.
This is really really frustrating.
I feel that i am such a NATO person. such a loser. so terrible that i do not deserve to be an officer.
That i should leave.
It is this bad.
But that makes me a quitter.
Someone who creates shit and leave just like that and people have to clear my shit.
And therefore i am not quitting.
Not yet.
Not until i have atoned for my sins.
I just really hope that i do not create more and more problems.
Cox that way, it would be worse than if i left.
Recently i've been really cranky as well.
After reaching home, bathing and all, on comp, come online. barely do anything and then i fell asleep either at the table or on jie's bed.
and i wouldn't even realise i fell asleep until Jie come to wake me up and make me go to my own bed.
I dun even know what is wrong with me.
Not like i didn't sleep. Not like i did anything that is particularly tiring.
Idk what i am doing and time just slipped by, just like that.
And despite sleeping that much, i still feel so very tired.
It's just a horrible horrible feeling.
I hope this doesn't mean i have some health issues.
And i seriously dunno what is wrong with me.
I have become totally insensitive and inconsiderate.
There is something really really wrong with me.
And this proved to be horrible.
Made weewee upset and all.
that i dun even know how to talk to her or start a conversation and all.
Almost quarrel with Esther the other day too.
What's happening to me, really.
I think i have some time bomb or some devil living inside of me.
To be honest, many many times, a soft voice just speaks inside of me.
Everytime friends or people around me tells me to do something etc.
Normal me will naturally just say yes and go the extra mile for them.
Got no problems with that.
But time to time, small small small small small things
like for example,
friends constantly planning for meetups at 5pm, 4pm on weekdays, or just asking me "eh, you working arh", "what time you end work" or asking to meet up at 6pm at somewhere when i end work at 6pm, and all the etc etc stuff, it just cranks me up.
That small voice inside me just feels so goddamn angry and frustrated.
It always tells me "wtf is wrong with you people. How many times do you want me to repeat that i am working at this temp job until End July, and that it is freaking 9-6 mon to fri"
I know, i am being oh so self-centred.
Who the hell would remember everyone else's schedule.
And to be honest, i think it's not like i told someone alot of times.
It is more like i told many people once or twice, but it feels like i've repeated myself umpteen times.
And that small voice would just burst and get angry at the corner of my brain.
It's not that i feel frustrated at my friends or anything.
I am alright with all of them. In fact i love all of them, because they are all wonderful people who accepts me for who i am, and are always encouraging.
People around me are all fantastic. I say this and i really mean it 100%.
Idk what kinda syndrome this is, but it's just so scary to me sometimes.
I am kinda really scared that i will suddenly burst at my friends and turn into some sorta ingrate.
I dun want that to happen. Really. Cox I dun wanna lose all these fantastic and great people in my life.
Maybe i should and i need to see some counsellor or psychiatrist.
I may have some emotional issues.
All these negative emotions aside, i am grateful for wonderful people in my life.
Great people whom i am meeting in life.
had fun meeting up with people, meeting people in ANCO and all.
going out just for a meal, or a meetup somewhere.
It is just fantastic.
Though camps and going out so much made daddy and mummy super anal.
Am damn frustrated with them.
been some time since they last do such things.
Shan't elaborate more. but seriously.
What you want sia.
I not at home you freaking anal and scold and blah blah.
I come home earlier you dun wanna talk to me, you ignore me, treat it as though i am not around.
Then why the fuck you want me to be at home?
So that you can pretend i am not at home but actually i am?
That is oh so anal and irritating and fucked up man.
But nvm, i know it's my fault for making you feel that i dun care about the family and am not at home at all.
I bear with it and i shan't fight back, just cause you are my parents, my family.
And just cox i dun want to upset you further.
I am glad that at least you are still with me. I cherish you both. :/
I just hope this whole episode will just blow over.
So frustrating and irritating and URGHHHHH :(
Sigh. Idk.
I am such a whiner.
Such a loser.
All i do is cause trouble and problems and whine and sulk and be unhappy and i can't even correct my wrongs.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
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