anyoung

right, i'm kinda emoing? i dunno.
rather than emoing, i think it's another type of unknown feeling.
i can't pinpoint, describe or explain how it feels.

been thinking about random thoughts when i couldn't sleep.
thus i'm here to talk about random stories that would only be precious to me.
i suddenly realised, everytime i have a one-sided feeling kinda thing,
i would go through it and come out with something.
memories aside,
the two threeyearsagos left me with something.

what J left me with was what a gentleman he was.
of course, shameless me told him about my crush on him,
and he responded in an adult and gentle manner,
he brought me back down on earth like a hot air balloon,
slowly, softly, gently.
i cried back then, probably one part of me knew my friendship with him was destroyed by me.
but he let me learned something important,
which is not to tell such things that easily again.
because of the price i have to pay for confessing.

K was a different story altogether,
it took me a long time to figure out that i probably have a crush on him back then,
actually it took me 3 years to realise that fully.
looking back, he was a really really nice senior.
somehow was close to him because i was secretary?
he's weird in a way, but yet at the same time can tell that he really doted on us juniors.
and he's really random in a way, because he randomly intro me to places to eat etc.
and random things we did back then was walking around aimlessly,
my knowledge of places probably widen because of him.
he brought me to places i've never gone to before,
despite those places being so nearby me.
we used to sms randomly everyday,
sometimes we call and talk for a few hours? talk about rubbish.
and i found myself agreeing to every single thing he says.
super random.
then somehow we stopped talking altogether,
then became two parallel lines since 2007.
up until this year.
the kinda feeling i got when i saw him again this year was a big big shock.
the moment i opened the door,
*bam* was the kinda feeling i had.
it was super super awkward.
and he's changed to be another person already,
that's on the outside though. but some part of him remained the same,
he's still the same nice senior as last time.
at least that small part of him i guess?
but somehow his exterior hardened.
and he's become a little scary?
but from him i learned a few stuff.
and he was the one who made me my signature.
haha.

and now to you.
i guessed i realised my feelings too early on.
if i didn't realise my feelings so early,
maybe i won't be here thinking about so many things.
maybe i won't behave in such a weird weird manner either.
but someow you made me think that this time round,
it's different from J and K.
it's entirely different.
you made me feel that no matter how you treat me,
no matter how parallel we are,
the moment we meet again, i would still be like your personal assistant
or like some dog, paying attention to all your needs.
i was thinking, maybe the way you were brought up,
you are nice to everyone.
but because you were nice, because you listened to all my rubbish,
because you always let me bully you and because of alot alot of random things,
it's more than a crush to me.
it's not love yet, of course, but it's like.
it's the first time i liked someone enough to actually be there no matter what happened before.
just like now, even though we don't talk anymore,
if there were to be a kbox family outing after your As,
i would pretend as though nothing happened,
pretend that everthing was how it used to be.
i wonder if that would even happen.
i don't emo or cry over you anymore,
at least right now when we are parallel.
but i still look at your profile, i still look at your msn nick update.
i wonder what is going through your mind right now.
i know nothing would come out of this if i confessed.
but i wonder if you knew. and i wonder if i should let you know.
and how you would react upon that.
i know i can be very cool about it, at least in front of you.
but i dunno how you'll feel, whether you'll be burdened by that.
there's alot of thoughts going through me.
but one thing i do hope,
is that i won't end up hating, disliking or avoiding you in the end.
i guess i won't, but i dunno,
maybe it's the parts that i dunno that makes me scared things will end up that way.
i just hope it won't.
if you look carefully around you,
i never left. i may not talk to you,
but when you need to talk you know how you can reach me.
that's the reason why i online every single day for the whole day.
LOL. pathetic, ain't it?
i wonder what's gonna happen the moment i see you again in december.
in detective conan, there was this sentence that says,
if it's someone you really like or love, after not seeing him for a long time
or not contacting him for a long time,
the very moment you see him, your tears will flow uncontrollably.