2/27/12
2/26/12
2/24/12
:/
Random sianess. Argh dun like this part of myself. Why am i like that? It's only been a day without communication. But why am i like that. Zzzz this is bad. Real bad. I needa do sth about this to make myself less liddat. Sighhhhh
2/23/12
Sigh
Feeling bad for not cherishing the minutes we had to talk. The 1% is increasing, i suppose? Rahhhhh. Idkidkidk. :/
2/22/12
2/20/12
depressed
feeling totally depressed right now.
I know i deserved it for not thinking so much.
for speaking too much, for not considering the pros and cons, that actually the whole thing doesn't even benefit my corps.
yet i can't help feeling depressed.
i can't help feeling unappreciated.
yes i did screw up on this matter, allowing my own corps to be disadvantaged.
should've thought more carefully before i spoke.
now all that is left is a huge mess with a lot of problems.
i deserved all the cold treatment and feeling stressed at coordinating stuff.
cox i brought it upon myself for not thinking.
i feel depressed over the fact that i actually screw up such a simple thing...
i felt a little used as well.
that i was used into disadvantaging my own corps.
but then again, i am to blame, for not even thinking before i speak.
i felt ashamed at myself for that.
i also feel unappreciated at the same time.
why is it that i have been doing things and all i get in return for doing things well is "we ever did better" "that's the basic minimum what".
i dun need praises or anything, i dun need credit and all.
but do you mind not putting me down like that.
i didn't intend to claim any credit for anything
yes i did the documentation but the hard work is everyone's. not only mine
why put me down like that? why make it seem like i didn't do enough.
i tried alr. those things are what we didn't achieve.
i do admit i have been slack, haven't been concentrating and focusing during training
i am guilty and remorseful for that.
but does that mean i am worthless?
why is it that you have to treat me like that?
perhaps it's just tough training.
perhaps you want me to be stronger.
idk. i should be logical on all these matters
but i just feel unwanted. just feel that all that i do will never change your impression of me
when i bother putting in the effort but others don't.
maybe this is just all PMS. idk.
but emotions tell me i'm hurt.
my heart tells me to not be so self-centred,
my heart tells me that i am back here because that's what i wanted,
because this is where there are friends i love, there's cohesion i like, there's this feeling i can never find elsewhere, not even at home.
and that all that you all are doing is really normal. always been the same.
that it is expected that you treat me stricter than the others because i am where i am already.
old enough and been here as an officer for three years.
i know nobody's wrong. nobody's at fault. it's just narrow-mindedness on my own.
that's why even though i am crying my emotions out so that i can let go,
only i can solve this for myself.
so just let me cry it all out, and i will be fine.
and i will be more careful and dilligent and open-minded, open-hearted.
I know i deserved it for not thinking so much.
for speaking too much, for not considering the pros and cons, that actually the whole thing doesn't even benefit my corps.
yet i can't help feeling depressed.
i can't help feeling unappreciated.
yes i did screw up on this matter, allowing my own corps to be disadvantaged.
should've thought more carefully before i spoke.
now all that is left is a huge mess with a lot of problems.
i deserved all the cold treatment and feeling stressed at coordinating stuff.
cox i brought it upon myself for not thinking.
i feel depressed over the fact that i actually screw up such a simple thing...
i felt a little used as well.
that i was used into disadvantaging my own corps.
but then again, i am to blame, for not even thinking before i speak.
i felt ashamed at myself for that.
i also feel unappreciated at the same time.
why is it that i have been doing things and all i get in return for doing things well is "we ever did better" "that's the basic minimum what".
i dun need praises or anything, i dun need credit and all.
but do you mind not putting me down like that.
i didn't intend to claim any credit for anything
yes i did the documentation but the hard work is everyone's. not only mine
why put me down like that? why make it seem like i didn't do enough.
i tried alr. those things are what we didn't achieve.
i do admit i have been slack, haven't been concentrating and focusing during training
i am guilty and remorseful for that.
but does that mean i am worthless?
why is it that you have to treat me like that?
perhaps it's just tough training.
perhaps you want me to be stronger.
idk. i should be logical on all these matters
but i just feel unwanted. just feel that all that i do will never change your impression of me
when i bother putting in the effort but others don't.
maybe this is just all PMS. idk.
but emotions tell me i'm hurt.
my heart tells me to not be so self-centred,
my heart tells me that i am back here because that's what i wanted,
because this is where there are friends i love, there's cohesion i like, there's this feeling i can never find elsewhere, not even at home.
and that all that you all are doing is really normal. always been the same.
that it is expected that you treat me stricter than the others because i am where i am already.
old enough and been here as an officer for three years.
i know nobody's wrong. nobody's at fault. it's just narrow-mindedness on my own.
that's why even though i am crying my emotions out so that i can let go,
only i can solve this for myself.
so just let me cry it all out, and i will be fine.
and i will be more careful and dilligent and open-minded, open-hearted.
2/15/12
I Want To Be Someone Who Can Unlock The Doors
Is it the atmosphere? Envy? Jealous? Or what? Idk actually.
Just hope i can be someone your doors would open up to.
Just hope i can be someone your doors would open up to.
2/8/12
明天见
happen to hear this song on my itouch yesterday.
was one of my favourite songs last time.
realised that it pretty much describes a certain part of my life.
《明天见》--王心凌
作詞：陳靜楠 作曲：林俊傑 編曲：Terence Teo
雨下了 又停了
泪流了 又干了
你走多久 多远了
我还在这
你说的 你忘了
可是我 还记得
手心里 紧握着
已不属于我的亲热
爱怎会输给了时间
我的耳边 再听不见
我以为永远不会变
最习惯的明天见
放手了 该回到原点
心会受伤 也能复原
我会学着自己走出从前 祝福明天
雨下了 又停了
泪流了 又干了
你走多久 多远了
我还在这
你说的 你忘了
可是我 还记得
手心里 紧握着
已不属于我的亲热
爱怎会输给了时间
我的耳边 再听不见
我以为永远不会变
最习惯的明天见
放手了 该回到原点
心会受伤 也能复原
我会学着自己走出从前 祝福明天
爱怎会输给了时间
我的耳边 再听不见
我以为永远不会变
最习惯的明天见
放手了 该回到原点
心会受伤 也能复原
我会学着自己走出从前 祝福明天
我会学着自己走出从前 祝福明天
honestly speaking. i am missing ykm a bit.
i'm not sure if i did the right thing regarding OTC. but...
all i wanted was to keep him and others outta trouble....
was one of my favourite songs last time.
realised that it pretty much describes a certain part of my life.
《明天见》--王心凌
作詞：陳靜楠 作曲：林俊傑 編曲：Terence Teo
雨下了 又停了
泪流了 又干了
你走多久 多远了
我还在这
你说的 你忘了
可是我 还记得
手心里 紧握着
已不属于我的亲热
爱怎会输给了时间
我的耳边 再听不见
我以为永远不会变
最习惯的明天见
放手了 该回到原点
心会受伤 也能复原
我会学着自己走出从前 祝福明天
雨下了 又停了
泪流了 又干了
你走多久 多远了
我还在这
你说的 你忘了
可是我 还记得
手心里 紧握着
已不属于我的亲热
爱怎会输给了时间
我的耳边 再听不见
我以为永远不会变
最习惯的明天见
放手了 该回到原点
心会受伤 也能复原
我会学着自己走出从前 祝福明天
爱怎会输给了时间
我的耳边 再听不见
我以为永远不会变
最习惯的明天见
放手了 该回到原点
心会受伤 也能复原
我会学着自己走出从前 祝福明天
我会学着自己走出从前 祝福明天
honestly speaking. i am missing ykm a bit.
i'm not sure if i did the right thing regarding OTC. but...
all i wanted was to keep him and others outta trouble....
2/7/12
time
been a while eh.
hmmms, time is slipping past at an amazing speed.
this week is my last week of internship already.
looking back, i've always been looking forward and counting down to 6pm,
as well as fridays, throughout the entire 5 months plus.
been lucky. this has been a great experience with mixed emotions all the time.
during the attachment, i've been from attached to single, from noob to manageable, from good to bad, from bad to worse, then from worse to good again.
emotions wise, i have been here there everywhere.
been days that i cried before and such. but i've really learned alot here.
i've also become more fickle-minded eh.
really still can't decide if i should do some stuff right now.
thinking of the good and bad and such.
sigh, sometimes it can get so so frustrating.
applied for NTU online, made the payment and stuff.
left with the non-academic achievements portion and the submission of results printscreens.
i really have zero confidence in getting accepted.
and i am totally unsure whether there's any contract teaching available.
i am wondering if i should just try applying for the diploma course then work my way up from there.
but then in that case, i would take a total of 6-7 years to become a teacher.
that's just plain horrible. horribly long.
by then i would be 26-27 already.
idk. but that might just be my last resort, should i really not get accepted.
sigh. this is so frustrating.
application and not knowing what to do with myself is a pain.
then for corps side, i would say that many things are in a mess now.
my messy room doesn't exactly helps with my mood.
and i am backlogging on so so so many things.
idk what to do with myself anymore, really.
i need space to settle things part by part,
but i dun have the luxury as everything needs to be done by a deadline.
and progress has to be made. seriously.
i suppose i really need to use PMS training on the kids already.
if not everything will be too late. we really really dun have the time already,
i need to be the black face.
let kalai be the white face uh. hurhur.
sometimes i do wonder, what exactly went wrong along the way.
my pace, my actions, my inability to complete things,
am i just insufficient or what?
i'm confused. highly confused about myself.
i'm in this awkward situation, as always since young, where i dunno where i stand.
let's just hope i can overcome this, really.
and idk what to do with my emotions either.
it's like how 3ya has always been there, at the corner of my eye while i harbour feelings for someone else.
in 2007, when i liked JAKH, he was there to confuse me,
in 2010, when i liked twinnie, he was there to confuse me also,
right now, when i am having this 1% of feel good feeling, he is still there to confuse me.
does this mean anything?
are all the 11s just coincidences? or is there something going on?
when i am confident that i dun feel anything towards him, not in the romatic sense,
he is back again.
it's like this never ending cycle.
JA~
就像莲藕一样，藕断丝连，剪不断理还乱。
有时候，若打个比方，你就像八爷，
我欠你的，很多。你为我的，很多。你的性格，我挺了解的。
我们之间，就算断了，依然存在着那一点点的不明。
就算铁了心，放下了，不想了，不念了，不爱了，不喜欢不眷恋了，但仍然会担心，会挂心，会关心，会把你的事当一回事，放在心上。
也不是放不下，就只是，并非恋人，但比朋友更多。
而继续用着这个比喻，我其实很期待我生命中的四爷出现。
可眼前的这个他，我不能确定。
虽然深信我一定不可能是他的若曦，他或许只是当我生命里的十三爷，
但有时后，就是有时候，就会把它看成四爷。
因为我不知道他在想什么，也没有那么多共同的话题，
他也不想嘉明或博伟那样，有办法了解他，有办法了解到可以猜出他的想法的程度。
他就是那样的一个谜，有时候我也被迷惑的晕头转向，不知所措。
我只知道，有时候情绪会小小的被他影响，会期待他的简讯，他不回复时会失望，他回复时会微笑。就像个大白痴一样。
真的不知道，这错综复杂的关系算什么。
说知心好友，我还根本不够格。说暧昧，是有那么一点点可又不是暧昧。
说只不过是以前的同学，也不仅如此而已。
若近若离，真是不明不白的。
有时候我还真想什么都不知道，或者，
haix. 不知道不知道不知道，我也不想知道了。
算了算了。
hmmms, time is slipping past at an amazing speed.
this week is my last week of internship already.
looking back, i've always been looking forward and counting down to 6pm,
as well as fridays, throughout the entire 5 months plus.
been lucky. this has been a great experience with mixed emotions all the time.
during the attachment, i've been from attached to single, from noob to manageable, from good to bad, from bad to worse, then from worse to good again.
emotions wise, i have been here there everywhere.
been days that i cried before and such. but i've really learned alot here.
i've also become more fickle-minded eh.
really still can't decide if i should do some stuff right now.
thinking of the good and bad and such.
sigh, sometimes it can get so so frustrating.
applied for NTU online, made the payment and stuff.
left with the non-academic achievements portion and the submission of results printscreens.
i really have zero confidence in getting accepted.
and i am totally unsure whether there's any contract teaching available.
i am wondering if i should just try applying for the diploma course then work my way up from there.
but then in that case, i would take a total of 6-7 years to become a teacher.
that's just plain horrible. horribly long.
by then i would be 26-27 already.
idk. but that might just be my last resort, should i really not get accepted.
sigh. this is so frustrating.
application and not knowing what to do with myself is a pain.
then for corps side, i would say that many things are in a mess now.
my messy room doesn't exactly helps with my mood.
and i am backlogging on so so so many things.
idk what to do with myself anymore, really.
i need space to settle things part by part,
but i dun have the luxury as everything needs to be done by a deadline.
and progress has to be made. seriously.
i suppose i really need to use PMS training on the kids already.
if not everything will be too late. we really really dun have the time already,
i need to be the black face.
let kalai be the white face uh. hurhur.
sometimes i do wonder, what exactly went wrong along the way.
my pace, my actions, my inability to complete things,
am i just insufficient or what?
i'm confused. highly confused about myself.
i'm in this awkward situation, as always since young, where i dunno where i stand.
let's just hope i can overcome this, really.
and idk what to do with my emotions either.
it's like how 3ya has always been there, at the corner of my eye while i harbour feelings for someone else.
in 2007, when i liked JAKH, he was there to confuse me,
in 2010, when i liked twinnie, he was there to confuse me also,
right now, when i am having this 1% of feel good feeling, he is still there to confuse me.
does this mean anything?
are all the 11s just coincidences? or is there something going on?
when i am confident that i dun feel anything towards him, not in the romatic sense,
he is back again.
it's like this never ending cycle.
JA~
就像莲藕一样，藕断丝连，剪不断理还乱。
有时候，若打个比方，你就像八爷，
我欠你的，很多。你为我的，很多。你的性格，我挺了解的。
我们之间，就算断了，依然存在着那一点点的不明。
就算铁了心，放下了，不想了，不念了，不爱了，不喜欢不眷恋了，但仍然会担心，会挂心，会关心，会把你的事当一回事，放在心上。
也不是放不下，就只是，并非恋人，但比朋友更多。
而继续用着这个比喻，我其实很期待我生命中的四爷出现。
可眼前的这个他，我不能确定。
虽然深信我一定不可能是他的若曦，他或许只是当我生命里的十三爷，
但有时后，就是有时候，就会把它看成四爷。
因为我不知道他在想什么，也没有那么多共同的话题，
他也不想嘉明或博伟那样，有办法了解他，有办法了解到可以猜出他的想法的程度。
他就是那样的一个谜，有时候我也被迷惑的晕头转向，不知所措。
我只知道，有时候情绪会小小的被他影响，会期待他的简讯，他不回复时会失望，他回复时会微笑。就像个大白痴一样。
真的不知道，这错综复杂的关系算什么。
说知心好友，我还根本不够格。说暧昧，是有那么一点点可又不是暧昧。
说只不过是以前的同学，也不仅如此而已。
若近若离，真是不明不白的。
有时候我还真想什么都不知道，或者，
haix. 不知道不知道不知道，我也不想知道了。
算了算了。
2/6/12
Time
Been a while since i slept my day away after being drained of energy.
Yesterday's full of SJ. Really never been so tired in a while. Not forgetting my poor tortured feet from the heels.
Biggest problem is still my own attire. Never have i felt so horrible with my uniform. Never have i felt so not prepared, so lousy, so terrible.
Where did my tip top standard of uniform go to?
Am extremely annoyed at myself for this. Feels super inadequate and lousy.
Sigh. This is the worst standard i've ever had. It's such a disgrace to my uniform. I really need to reflect on my lack of self-discipline.
JA~
Yesterday's full of SJ. Really never been so tired in a while. Not forgetting my poor tortured feet from the heels.
Biggest problem is still my own attire. Never have i felt so horrible with my uniform. Never have i felt so not prepared, so lousy, so terrible.
Where did my tip top standard of uniform go to?
Am extremely annoyed at myself for this. Feels super inadequate and lousy.
Sigh. This is the worst standard i've ever had. It's such a disgrace to my uniform. I really need to reflect on my lack of self-discipline.
JA~
2/3/12
yeye
yeye has been diagnosed with first stage cancer.
to be honest, i'm kinda afraid.
despite the fact that it's first stage, but given yeye's age.
add on his character of dislike for surgery/treatment, and you get the most dangerous combination of a patient.
can you imagine, when i am afraid already.
how exactly is yeye feeling?
and then mummy told me that he opted to have treatment instead of surgery.
this, kinda sucks. really.
according to Jie, it's better to have the surgery, recovery is faster and it's less tedious.
but i am not keeping my hopes up for yeye to agree to surgery.
he wouldn't. give his character. he would never.
sigh. this is a long battle against the disease.
more of a battle for yeye than for all of us.
i just really hope that we will emerge victorious.
somehow i just feel like bursting out and crying.
and i feel that i shouldn't be enjoying/being happy. not right now.
i'm confused. or rather, i successfully confused myself again.
sigh...
JA~
to be honest, i'm kinda afraid.
despite the fact that it's first stage, but given yeye's age.
add on his character of dislike for surgery/treatment, and you get the most dangerous combination of a patient.
can you imagine, when i am afraid already.
how exactly is yeye feeling?
and then mummy told me that he opted to have treatment instead of surgery.
this, kinda sucks. really.
according to Jie, it's better to have the surgery, recovery is faster and it's less tedious.
but i am not keeping my hopes up for yeye to agree to surgery.
he wouldn't. give his character. he would never.
sigh. this is a long battle against the disease.
more of a battle for yeye than for all of us.
i just really hope that we will emerge victorious.
somehow i just feel like bursting out and crying.
and i feel that i shouldn't be enjoying/being happy. not right now.
i'm confused. or rather, i successfully confused myself again.
sigh...
JA~
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