time

been a while eh.
hmmms, time is slipping past at an amazing speed.
this week is my last week of internship already.
looking back, i've always been looking forward and counting down to 6pm,
as well as fridays, throughout the entire 5 months plus.
been lucky. this has been a great experience with mixed emotions all the time.
during the attachment, i've been from attached to single, from noob to manageable, from good to bad, from bad to worse, then from worse to good again.
emotions wise, i have been here there everywhere.
been days that i cried before and such. but i've really learned alot here.
i've also become more fickle-minded eh.
really still can't decide if i should do some stuff right now.
thinking of the good and bad and such.
sigh, sometimes it can get so so frustrating.

applied for NTU online, made the payment and stuff.
left with the non-academic achievements portion and the submission of results printscreens.
i really have zero confidence in getting accepted.
and i am totally unsure whether there's any contract teaching available.
i am wondering if i should just try applying for the diploma course then work my way up from there.
but then in that case, i would take a total of 6-7 years to become a teacher.
that's just plain horrible. horribly long.
by then i would be 26-27 already.
idk. but that might just be my last resort, should i really not get accepted.
sigh. this is so frustrating.
application and not knowing what to do with myself is a pain.

then for corps side, i would say that many things are in a mess now.
my messy room doesn't exactly helps with my mood.
and i am backlogging on so so so many things.
idk what to do with myself anymore, really.
i need space to settle things part by part,
but i dun have the luxury as everything needs to be done by a deadline.
and progress has to be made. seriously.
i suppose i really need to use PMS training on the kids already.
if not everything will be too late. we really really dun have the time already,
i need to be the black face.
let kalai be the white face uh. hurhur.

sometimes i do wonder, what exactly went wrong along the way.
my pace, my actions, my inability to complete things,
am i just insufficient or what?
i'm confused. highly confused about myself.
i'm in this awkward situation, as always since young, where i dunno where i stand.
let's just hope i can overcome this, really.

and idk what to do with my emotions either.
it's like how 3ya has always been there, at the corner of my eye while i harbour feelings for someone else.
in 2007, when i liked JAKH, he was there to confuse me,
in 2010, when i liked twinnie, he was there to confuse me also,
right now, when i am having this 1% of feel good feeling, he is still there to confuse me.
does this mean anything?
are all the 11s just coincidences? or is there something going on?
when i am confident that i dun feel anything towards him, not in the romatic sense,
he is back again.
it's like this never ending cycle.

JA~

就像莲藕一样，藕断丝连，剪不断理还乱。

有时候，若打个比方，你就像八爷，
我欠你的，很多。你为我的，很多。你的性格，我挺了解的。
我们之间，就算断了，依然存在着那一点点的不明。
就算铁了心，放下了，不想了，不念了，不爱了，不喜欢不眷恋了，但仍然会担心，会挂心，会关心，会把你的事当一回事，放在心上。
也不是放不下，就只是，并非恋人，但比朋友更多。

而继续用着这个比喻，我其实很期待我生命中的四爷出现。
可眼前的这个他，我不能确定。
虽然深信我一定不可能是他的若曦，他或许只是当我生命里的十三爷，
但有时后，就是有时候，就会把它看成四爷。
因为我不知道他在想什么，也没有那么多共同的话题，
他也不想嘉明或博伟那样，有办法了解他，有办法了解到可以猜出他的想法的程度。
他就是那样的一个谜，有时候我也被迷惑的晕头转向，不知所措。
我只知道，有时候情绪会小小的被他影响，会期待他的简讯，他不回复时会失望，他回复时会微笑。就像个大白痴一样。
真的不知道，这错综复杂的关系算什么。
说知心好友，我还根本不够格。说暧昧，是有那么一点点可又不是暧昧。
说只不过是以前的同学，也不仅如此而已。
若近若离，真是不明不白的。
有时候我还真想什么都不知道，或者，
haix. 不知道不知道不知道，我也不想知道了。
算了算了。