depressed

feeling totally depressed right now.
I know i deserved it for not thinking so much.
for speaking too much, for not considering the pros and cons, that actually the whole thing doesn't even benefit my corps.
yet i can't help feeling depressed.
i can't help feeling unappreciated.
yes i did screw up on this matter, allowing my own corps to be disadvantaged.
should've thought more carefully before i spoke.
now all that is left is a huge mess with a lot of problems.
i deserved all the cold treatment and feeling stressed at coordinating stuff.
cox i brought it upon myself for not thinking.
i feel depressed over the fact that i actually screw up such a simple thing...
i felt a little used as well.
that i was used into disadvantaging my own corps.
but then again, i am to blame, for not even thinking before i speak.
i felt ashamed at myself for that.
i also feel unappreciated at the same time.
why is it that i have been doing things and all i get in return for doing things well is "we ever did better" "that's the basic minimum what".
i dun need praises or anything, i dun need credit and all.
but do you mind not putting me down like that.
i didn't intend to claim any credit for anything
yes i did the documentation but the hard work is everyone's. not only mine
why put me down like that? why make it seem like i didn't do enough.
i tried alr. those things are what we didn't achieve.
i do admit i have been slack, haven't been concentrating and focusing during training
i am guilty and remorseful for that.
but does that mean i am worthless?
why is it that you have to treat me like that?
perhaps it's just tough training.
perhaps you want me to be stronger.
idk. i should be logical on all these matters
but i just feel unwanted. just feel that all that i do will never change your impression of me
when i bother putting in the effort but others don't.
maybe this is just all PMS. idk.
but emotions tell me i'm hurt.
my heart tells me to not be so self-centred,
my heart tells me that i am back here because that's what i wanted,
because this is where there are friends i love, there's cohesion i like, there's this feeling i can never find elsewhere, not even at home.
and that all that you all are doing is really normal. always been the same.
that it is expected that you treat me stricter than the others because i am where i am already.
old enough and been here as an officer for three years.
i know nobody's wrong. nobody's at fault. it's just narrow-mindedness on my own.
that's why even though i am crying my emotions out so that i can let go,
only i can solve this for myself.
so just let me cry it all out, and i will be fine.
and i will be more careful and dilligent and open-minded, open-hearted.