I MISS POH TING TING!

S O R R Y







today you talked to me about things that i was curious about all the while,
things that you've never told me about,
things that i totally wasn't aware of up until now,
right now what i feel is mixed feelings,
happy over the fact that i feel like i understand you more now,
that what i thought was correct,
all the while your character has been one of mysterious and unknown,
out of reach, i guess?
and then today, after what you told me, i feel that i understand you a little better,
but, on the other hand,
i realised that for the past 6 years that i've known you,
i'm only knowing your happy shell,
and i wasn't a fren to you,
because i was one of those who said all those nasty things to you,
and one of those who constantly joked about matters you are sensitive to,
and bullied you through saying all those bad stuff,
making life more miserable for you, when life's not all that great for you to begin with..
i'm really really sorry that for the past 6 years, i've never really understood you properly,
i'm sorry that i've hurt you with stupid words coming outta my mouth brainlessly,
i'm sorry that i even thought i was a friend, when i didn't understand you at all to begin with...
i'm really sorry about all these things...
and you know you dun have to smile when you dun feel like it,
you know you dun have to.

life isn't going that smoothly recently,
many mistakes i make, many ppl i hurt.
i'm sorry about it all, really..
but in the end, life is what you make out of it,
and i can simply say that i've made a mess out of mine.
it's time to sit in one corner and repent plus reflect about my stupid mistakes..
it's really time to.. before it gets too late..

D I S A P P O I N T E D


yes i got a scolding session and yes i was the one who triggered it.
yes i do understand what you two want of us and yes i will work on it starting this very moment.
one thing left me utterly disappointed is that the one who got the session with me, is at this very moment ignoring me, treating what i tell her as noise, probably.
why am i disappointed?
because her face tells me that she thinks i was the one who complained to mummy,
and she thinks that i didn't have the heart or drive to train them,
which equates to her never trusting me to begin with.
i can tell you, in your face, i want them to win as much as you do,
and though it's not easy teaching them, it takes more time than when i train my own cadets,
but their learning attitude is what i like most about them,
and it's what makes me never feel tired teaching them.
i treat them like my own kids, minus the strictness,
and train them without a condition.
they show me that they believe.
i train them with my heart, i can stand tall and say that to you,
but your reaction totally points out that you dun trust me, you dun believe,
you dun have a single ounce of faith in me.
and with regards to what mummy said, your reaction was simply telling me
that you think i complained to her, or i grumble to her,
which i can tell you i did not.
believe it or not, it's not up to me, it's up to you,
but to get what i am gettting now really hurts.
but i decided to stand tall and not to cry,
because i am not a single bit guilty about anything.
you can ignore me all you want,
you can blame me all you want,
i dun care, because you dun care, and because you dun trust me.
seriously, call it middle child complex or whatever,
it's enough that you are utterly spoilt by them,
i'm used to that,
but i do hope you wake up and dun point fingers telling me how disappointed you are that i complained or whatsoever,
cox Poh Ting Xin is not that kinda person,
and i think you know best.
enough of my ranting,
i'm tired of feeling tired.
here's an end to it,
f u l l s t o p.

D R A G O N S A I N T S


this ATC, i would say that i showed cadets a side of me that they haven't see before..
but i think, somehow, this side isn't part of me,
like how i told Sharmine, i keep screwing up when i scolded them
like zao xia or hiccups,
or suddenly say wrong thing.
but at least, i stopped myself from smiling for a whole 3 days,
which i think somehow worked?
but all in all,
i didn't really do much for this camp,
slept more than other camps also..
this camp may not be a success,
may not have gone the way we planned or wanted,
may not have changed things as much as we wanted,
and disappointment can be felt,
the sense of disappointment is so strong,
but one thing that made me really love this camp,
and think that it is a memorable and well spent 3D2N,
is the fact that many many seniors came back for this camp to help,
it made me feel that SJ still has a place in their heart,
although they may not come back frequently,
SJ is not cut off from their lives.
and for once,
since a long long long long time,
i felt that i was never alone in this family called SJAB.
it feels warm and nice that they are back,
it's like back to the time when we have many many ppl coming back to SJ.
really miss those times,
when we say "bond in unity one big family"
wonders if everyone misses those times?
haha.
now it's time to accelerate,
and it's time to increase our efficiency,
let's go ppl.
i would never feel alone,
or feel like there's nobody there,
cox i know there are so many ppl who no doubt are not physically with us,
but has SJ in one corner of their hearts.
and you know you can always count on them anytime.
with them around, you know you've got the whole world behind you,
supporting you, and you know you can do anything,
you know you can endure till the end.
Thanks alot to everyone who came back,
especially Jia Hong, Siew Huai, Wan Teng, Felicia, Wai Peng, Benjamin, Edward, Ryan,
who helped with all the training activities,
and thanks to the CCO Priscilla, DYCCO Hui Ying, for planning together.
To the cadets,
i do hope you remember what all the trainers taught you in the 3D2N,
and i hope this experience etch in your mind,
and you become a better person who lives your lives to the fullest,
and you make the corps a better one, of a higher standard,
than how it is now.
Thanks so much everyone.
onward dragon saints! =)

P A I N


I'm really really shocked right now,
suddenly i felt like, maybe i was never part of OT5 to begin with.
frankly speaking, to me, none of you felt like a burden in any way,
i'm sorry if i was a burden to you all,
i think i can understand how you feel,
and i think i know why you would want to say such stuff.
it's just really shocking to me,
like being caught off guard.
to be frank, i would say that i'm a little disappointed,
i thought we were better friends than this,
i thought we were closer than this.
cox to me, i felt that you all are close,
the kind whom i can suddenly decide to take an afternoon nap with at one of our houses,
the kind i can show my really weird sides to,
the kind i can remove all my "armour" when i'm with...
but maybe i am so so wrong,
this isn't the first time this kinda thing has happened to me.
i wonder if there's really something wrong with me.
maybe there's just something really wrong, just that i fail to see,
and turns out it's just a burden to all of you,
just that i lack the self-awareness to realise.
maybe i just didn't really belong with OT5 to begin with?
i wonder, really...

and right now i can't think,
i just keep crying and i dunno what i'm crying for.
i wonder how things will go on from now..
i wonder how am i supposed to react when i see you around.
or perhaps, you all, around.

D O U B T






Recently, there has been alot of doubt all around,
ppl doubting ppl,
ppl doubting things,
ppl doubting values of things,
ppl doubting themselves.
when will we, and when can we stop doubting.
i wonder..
maybe humans are borned that way,
we doubting and doubting because we dunno what is and what will happen.
i guess.
but no matter what,
i think we should stop doubting, stop guessing,
and brace ourselves to just face what will come


speaking about what's going on in my own life,
supposed to go teach BCLS today,
but then, carelessly fell in bonding camp,
and ate too much heaty stuff and used voice to shout,
so kinda at the "robot" voice state,
can't teach properly. ><

the bonding camp was great,
POKKA~~ xDDDDDDDDDD
shan't type what happened though.
haha.

talked to Jie about SJ today,
hmmm, i would say that my experience in SJ is like Singapore,
and hers, as well as those of many others, is like Japan?
having loads of earthquakes etc,
the insecured feeling.
those who know will know la...
i feel that i am lucky,
i can do what i need and want to do for my unit etc,
because i am blessed with support from ppl,
as well as good situations, circumstances.
this made me wanna do better, to keep going beyond the highest achievable standards,
because with such good environment,
it is only right to do even better than what is expected.

progress in corps,
i see a lil bit of improvement,
but i think that we need to move at a faster pace,
and that you ppl can really be better.
and i really hope that you all will stop thinking that SJ is a chore,
start loving SJ kay?

well, that's about it.
will update again soon.
JA~