past few days have been a little hectic,
thurs zone meeting, friday was nice cox i was free, then saturday was a series of events, then stayed over at HQ, ytd was ANCO briefing day.
the SNCOs told me i should be office girl next time,
just cox of the sorting of papers. HAHA~
ytd had alot of things happening,
Kah Meng sir is scary, OFFICIAL.
he smile at you, you should go crazy, LOL.
but he should be damn sad, cox he's still "30". haha~ =P

ytd alot of things to think through.
actually i think P4 is okay,
maybe cox of the fact that i mentioned what i observe abit too clearly,
the senior officers kinda misunderstand that my P4 kids have a lot of problem.
i think it's more of a miss on my side,
that i didn't coordinate well enough,
or rather maybe i should've devised a plan with Bin Koon and Rui Ting first before we handled the kids.
that would've made things clearer.
but it's okay, since it's over
things can change from this moment onwards.
one core duty i need to do is to rid the kids of their tendency to depend on seniors.
they need to be leaders who think and able to make decisions,
yes they can consult, but not depend.
and i hope i would keep things in check and not over-stress Bin Koon and Rui Ting,
cox these two, as far as i can see,
are two kids that are leaders with good personality and character.
things will go well. 3 of us can bring up proper and good leaders of St John's tomorrow.
=)

as for the rest of ANCO,
ytd, had alot of awareness with regards to what we need to do,
i love phone calls with sokting!
discussed about things and set things to do.
detailing needs to be done.
but no worries, we can do it.
target that tingxin has is to settle the things by 31st may.
it's not easy but it's not that difficult.
it can be done! =D
and it's not called arrowing, it's called TEAMWORK.
if everyone runs away from the "so-called" arrowing,
then who's gonna do the job, right?
so please dun call it arrowing. tyvm. haha~

as for overall, SJ wise,
glad about some things ba,
things like the sec 3s picking up things bit by bit.
problems with cadets, as always, it's there.
i think it's come to a time when i should let NCOs and NCOs-to-be to handle that,
cox i can't take away their power like that,
and i can't be there forever,
i can do stuff for corps,
but i can't be there every training you see...
hopefully things get settled or at least scaled down.
a bit of things on hand for corps,
but can coordinate de.
so no worries.

FAC wise, i'm really sorry and ashamed to say that,
i failed at coordinating everything,
and things are gonna get screwed up TOTALLY.
and the relations within SJ, well, i think i have heavily misunderstood alot of things.
probably cox i thought that more means better.
seeing them more doesn't equates to knowing them bettter.
seeing them more doesn't mean that i am closer to them.
i've fully understood.
i thought i was close to them but apparently not.
evidently, it all goes back to square one.
back to everything that started in 2005 and ended in 2008.
dun worry, it's not that i'm jealous cox you all are closer to who who and who.
it's just that i feel shameful to have assumed or even thought that we were close.
sorry for misunderstanding,
i'm not being spiteful. really,
i'm just embarrassed at the fact that i probably behaved in a way that made you all feel uncomfortable,
that made you all feel paiseh that "why is tingxin acting like she's close to me and all?"
sorry about that, really,
i should've been more self-conscious and know when to draw the line.
so that you need not suffer anymore.
i guess life's always like that.
human-human relations, there's always a party that thinks too much,
or go overboard,
to the extend that the other party is affected.
in this case, the other parties.
still regard you all as though you are my younger siblings,
still respect you all for all your hard work,
sill grateful to you all for your help and all that you've done,
but i will not make you all feel uncomfortable anymore.
wun unnecessarily do anything, or ask anything anymore.
it's not that i dun wanna know, just that perhaps it's not something you all would want me to know.
frankly speaking, i'm rather sad that things turned out this way,
because i was really happy thinking that we are close,
well, guess i'm just too much,
i've always been too much, i realised.
i'm sorry.
but i still cherish and love you all as true friends who'd never be replaced.

in SJ, there's always ppl who do random things at the wrong time.
or rather do irresponsible things at the wrong time.
sometimes i really regret my decisions.
quality always beats quantity.
this is a lesson i've learnt.
i didn't know that things will be done till that extend.
now i have the awareness,
i learnt my lesson, i wun make the same mistake again.
i won't trust what i can't trust anymore.
and i should buck up also.
this matter is my fault.
cox i was the one who decided to contact that person so that i can send in "enough" ppl,
in the end such things happened and that person didn't turn up and caused a hell lot of problems.
sorry for the trouble to the ANCO committee.

as for the rest of my life,
family wise it's okay,
but ah ma is, haix.
problems occuring here and there with her health,
to the extend that saying she's got problems from head-to-toe isn't an exaggeration.
and then she still keeps worrying about jie and i,
whether we have enough to eat, whether we face any problems.
i really hope nothing happens to her.
let nothing happen to her please.
i really hope that she can live to witness dandan becoming an adult,
that she gets the chance to let me bring her on a tour or travel,
that she gets to cuddle jie or my child in her arms and smile happily.
dun let anything happen to her. let her be healthy and safe.

and, a bit worried for mummy cox she's not working.
i am praying that history will never repeat itself again.
really.
dandan's grades,
i'm really ashamed to say that i dun even know what's going on.
only thing i know is that his mid-years are over.
hopefully there are improvements.
daddy, i think there's alot of stress on him,
in terms of mummy and us.
hopefully nothing goes wrong for him.

jie, well, i really wonder what's wrong.
recently, i dunno why, you just simply hate me or something?
when you talk to me, or i talk to you,
we either end up cold war or you start shouting at me,
or the other way round,
is it cox you're tired? or just simply you hate the sight of me?
or everything wrong in your life has got something to do with me?
yes i know i am irresponsible and didn't do things and you are stressed.
but i really wonder what is wrong with us,
why is it that you only talk when you need me to do something.
why is it that whenever i try talking to you, the moment the first word comes outta my mouth, you start frowning and giving me an irritated face.
i've said before, if you're unhappy, or i did anything wrong, SAY.
i wun know if you dun say.

life wise,
been procrastinating,
work undone etc,
but quizzes wise, still alright.
been passing, occasionally a little above average.
but i've been missing out on alot of things ba,
in terms of human-human interaction.
but i guess it's just me being anti-social.
and also cox of my poor financial management skills.
sorry that i haven't returned money to quite a few people.
resolution of june is to return everything and never to borrow/owe money again.
seriously.
i should wake up my idea.
i should starve to death than to borrow money.
cox it's not fair to the lender.
i'm really sorry people.
that i've been such a troublesome person.
that i've been non-participative in everything.

i need to reflect on my life.
it's been 18 years now, and what kinda person have i become?
there are so many flaws in my character and it's simply disgusting that i am behaving this way.
sometimes i really feel that i dun deserve all the people around me.
all these nice people, those who didn't ditch me even though i suck,
those who stand by me even though i am completely useless.
those who care for me even when i'm like that,
those who will tell me this and that cox they're scared i'd miss out on things,
those who are willing to lend me their ears to listen to what i have to say.
those who accepted me.
thank you all of you.
i will change, i will be better.
and i'm sorry.